Dec 17, 2013 at 16:58 o\clock

RICHARD LITTLEJOHN: Ye Olde English Christmas? Ho ho ho!

RICHARD LITTLEJOHN: Ye Olde English Christmas? Ho ho ho! | Mail Online

Ye Olde English Christmas? Ho ho ho!

PUBLISHED:17:54 EST, 16 December 2013| UPDATED:17:54 EST, 16 December 2013

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Father Christmas was a seven-stone weakling in an outfit which looked as if it had been bought in Poundland.

The reindeers had no antlers and the 'ice rink' was made out of plastic sheets.

The 'huskies' were a couple of emaciated wolves ina cage so small they couldn't turn round, let alone pull a sleigh ladenwith presents.

The organisers of the Winter Wonderland in Milton Keynes received so many complaints that they shut down the 'attraction' after just one day
The organisers of the Winter Wonderland in Milton Keynes received so many complaints that they shut down the 'attraction' after just one day

And according to parents who paid up to 65 to take their children to Winter Wonderland in Milton Keynes, the grotto in the main tent 'smelt vaguely of urine'.

One parent wrote: 'My daughter trod in dog poo and was told by one of the events team it was actually reindeer poo.'

The organisers received so many complaints that they shut down the 'attraction' after just one day.

Youcan't help feeling sorry for the kids who had their big day ruined and their illusions shattered.

But, at the risk of sounding harsh, what exactly did their parents expect from a Winter Wonderland in Milton Keynes?

We're not talking Disney's Magic Kingdom here, are we?

Haven'tthey ever heard of 'caveat emptor' -- buyer beware? One visitor complained: 'The photos on the official website couldn't be any more misleading.'

And your point is?

It's not as if this sort of thing hasn't happened before. The most famous Winter Blunderland rip-off was the Lapland New Forest experience.
Father Christmas? A seven-stone weakling in an outfit which looked as if it came from Poundland
Father Christmas? A seven-stone weakling in an outfit which looked as if it came from Poundland

Families who paid 30 a head arrived to find something which resembled a cross between an illegal gipsy site and a derelict garden centre.

After being forced to stand for up to three hours in freezing temperatures to see Santa, visitors were told if they wanted their pictures taken with him it would cost an extra 10.

Most of the toys handed out didn't work and the nativity scene looked like something 'plonked in the middle of a war zone'.

Needless to say, tempers became frayed and the elves started brawling with customers.

Santa was punched in the face by a father who had been queuing for four hours.

A young girl had to be comforted after arriving at the grotto only to discover Father Christmas out the back having a quiet cigarette.

One of the elves took a blow in the face from a livid mum. - exposed skin care in singapore - Another suffered leg injuries when she was rammed by a pram. A security guard was punched in the forehead by an irate parent.

It was closed down on the orders of trading standards officers and the RSPCA, following reports that dogs, donkeys and reindeer had all been ill-treated.

This fiasco received widespread publicity. So you might expect anyone planning to visit a similar-sounding 'wonderland' to check it out first, in person, not relyon an 'official website' knocked up by a spotty youth with a laptop.

Still,as a metaphor for modern Britain and our 'world class public services',this latest Winter Wonderland couldn't be more perfect.

Imagine thatyou are a foreign tourist coming here for a traditional British Christmas holiday. The next story we read might go something like this:

Theyflew to London for a dream Olde English Experience. But a party of American tourists was instead forced to endure an authentic modern nightmare.

First, they were prevented from landing at Heathrow because of a light fog and a flash-mob occupation of Terminal 5 by opponents of a third runway, led by the Mayor of London, Boris Johnson.

After being diverted to Birmingham, they had to wait five hours to get through immigration and customs.

As a metaphor for modern Britain and our 'world class public services', this latest Winter Wonderland couldn't be more perfect
As a metaphor for modern Britain and our 'world class public services', this latest Winter Wonderland couldn't be more perfect

Alltrains to Euston having been cancelled because of leaves on the line, they were then herded on to a replacement coach service to London.

If they thought their ordeal would soon be over, they were reckoning without the traffic police, who closed the M1 in both directions for 24 hours following reports that a man was threatening to jump off a bridge.

When they eventually arrived at Euston, they discovered the Underground was shut because of a wildcat strike by members of the RMT.

Several members of the party had to be taken to hospital suffering from exhaustion and dehydration.

Unfortunately, most of the available A&E departments were closed andthose that were open had a 12-hour wait on a trolley in a corridor, because it was a Saturday and only a skeleton staff of Eastern European locums was on duty.

More from Richard Littlejohn... /debate/article-2522830/Banking-Its-really-wonderful-life.html - Banking: It's not really a wonderful life - 12/12/13 /debate/article-2521043/Wine-gums-madam--ID.html - Wine gums, madam... do you have ID? - 09/12/13 /debate/article-2519141/To-accuse-ex-wife-snorting-cocaine-press-1-RICHARD-LITTLEJOHN.html - To accuse your ex-wife of snorting cocaine, press 1, by RICHARD LITTLEJOHN - 06/12/13 /debate/article-2517215/Welcome-Khazistan-gang-masters-slum-landlords-winners-RICHARD-LITTLEJOHN.html - Welcome to Khazistan where gang-masters and slum landlords are the only winners, by RICHARD LITTLEJOHN - 03/12/13 /debate/article-2515367/LITTLEJOHN-And-BBC--1bn-wasted.html - LITTLEJOHN: And over on BBC... another 1bn wasted - 29/11/13 /debate/article-2513516/Wolfie-Smith-mysterious-case-slavery-RICHARD-LITTLEJOHN.html - Wolfie Smith and the mysterious case of slavery, by RICHARD LITTLEJOHN - 25/11/13 /debate/article-2511561/RICHARD-LITTLEJOHN-If-diversity-squad-dont-elfnsafety-will.html - RICHARD LITTLEJOHN: If the diversity squad don't get you, then elf'n'safety will - 22/11/13 /debate/article-2509588/RICHARD-LITTLEJOHN-Lets-hear-Crystal-Methodist-Why-tonight-Flowers-portrayed-hapless-victim-evil-newspaper.html - Let's hear it for the Crystal Methodist: Why, by tonight, Flowers will be portrayed as a hapless 'victim' of an evil newspaper - 18/11/13 /news/columnist-322/Richard-Littlejohn.html - VIEW FULL ARCHIVE -
Three of the tourists contracted MRSA and later died.

Buford J. Beefburger, from Arkansas, said: 'We thought the world-class British NHS would be like Call The Midwife and the dancing nurses at the Olympics.

'Instead, it looked like something out of M*A*S*H and none of the staff spoke English.'

From then on, it was one disappointment after another.

'The subway was a real rip-off. Over seven bucks to go one stop? You gotta be kidding me.

'As for bobbies on bicycles two by two, the only cops we saw were wearing either hi-viz jackets or riot gear.'

They were promised Pearly Kings and Dickensian street urchins, but when they got to Hyde Park to visit Speakers' Corner, all they found was a makeshift Romanian gipsy camp.

Several of the party had their wallets and cameras stolen. When they reported the thefts to the police, they were told there was nothing which could be done because of European human rights legislation.

Hiram J. Hamburger, from Wyoming, complained: 'We went to world-famous St Paul's Abbey for a traditional carol service, but it was closed for a week as a mark of respect for Nelson Mandela.'

Chuck E. Cheeseburger, from South Bend, Indiana, said: 'So much for the land of Dickens, Churchill and Sir David Beckingham. What's happened to this cockamamie country?

'The whole place smells vaguely of urine. It's nothing like the pictures on the official website.'

Jack: More rabbit than Sainsbury'sThis week it was announced that Jack Monroe is to star in a new TV commercial for Sainsbury's
This week it was announced that Jack Monroe is to star in a new TV commercial for Sainsbury's

Back in November, I wrote about Jack Monroe, aka 'A Girl Named Jack', the Left-wing Guardian food columnist masquerading as an 'ordinary person' for a Labour Party political broadcast.

She didn't take it well, firing back an hilarious, self-justifying tirade on the Guardian website.

Among her claims was that she didn't set up her food blog 'to make a career out of it'.

She was also keen to point out that: 'I don't go in for product endorsement posts, or sponsored posts.'

This week it was announced that Jack is to star in a new TV commercial for Sainsbury's.

So no sponsorship or endorsement there, then.


Following criticism of their plans to introduce a two-child benefit cap, ministers have gone back to the drawing board.

They now intend to embark on a slaughter of the first-born instead.

A Conservative source said: 'This may be controversial, but there is an historical precedent and the money saved will go towards our promise to cut inheritance tax.

'It will also be fiscally neutral since there will eventually be fewer children left to inherit anything.'

California dreaming
After giving 27 million to China, the Government has announced the list of next year's lucky overseas aid recipients.

More than 3 billion is to be shared between Silicon Valley, California; Dubai and the Bahamas.

A spokesman said: 'I know these are some of the richest places on the planet, but they still have problems, such as climate change, which can only be addressed by bunging them bucketloads of British taxpayers' money.'

The Department of Overseas Development confirmed last night that a delegation of MPs and civil servants will be leaving after Christmas on an extensive, three-month fact-finding tour of California, Dubai and the Bahamas.

________________________A leg protruding from a cubicle was enough to spark a full-scale nonce alert at a swimming pool
A leg protruding from a cubicle was enough to spark a full-scale nonce alert at a swimming pool

A leg protruding from a cubicle was enough to spark a full-scale nonce alert at a swimming pool.

Dozens of children were evacuated from Larkfield Leisure Centre, at Aylesford, in Kent.

Don't panic! Further investigation revealed that the suspected paedophile was a false leg left in the changing room by a man who had removed it while he went for a swim.

Meanwhile, Jimmy Savile is still dead.

The Chief Inspector of Schools, Sir Michael Wilshaw, says he is opposed to grammar schools because they 'are stuffed full of middle class kids' and do nothing to increase social mobility.

This would be the same Michael Wilshaw, working class son of a postman, who passed his 11-plus, won a place at a grammar school and then went on to the University of London.

It certainly worked wonders for his social mobility. Does he really believe he would have risen to high office and become a knight of the realm if he'd been condemned to attend one of today's 'bog standard' comprehensives?

So why does Sir Michael seek to deny the same opportunities to the clever sons and daughters of today's postmen?


That's my lot for this year, but don't miss my special 2013 Makes You Proud To Be British Quiz after Christmas.

Thanks again for all your emails, letters and fabulous contributions to Elf'n'Safety, Mind How You Go and You Couldn't Make It Up.

I say it every year, but this column really wouldn't be the same without you. Have a great Christmas and a wonderful New Year.

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/registration/1361605031164892/Roger-64-Stoke/profile.html - Roger 64-Stoke, - Stoke-on-Trent, United Kingdom,9 hours ago

Every Wacky Warehouse smells of urine....allegedly
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/registration/1375231403562642/kb/profile.html - kb, - London- uk,10 hours ago

Beautifully put Mr Littlejohn and frighteningly realistic........
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/registration/6016200/dingo/profile.html - dingo, - perth w.a,10 hours ago

Merry christmas Littlejohn! YOU MAKE ME LAUGH TROUGH ALL THE PAIN!
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/registration/4042437/Callan/profile.html - Callan, - Liverpool,12 hours ago

Thank you Mr. Littlejohn, you made me laugh and want to cry in equal measure.A Merry Christmas to you sir.Oh, sorry, should that be a merry winterfest?
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/registration/5771557/monty/profile.html - monty, - milton keynes,12 hours ago

Milton Keynes shopping centre has one of the best Santa displays in the country. If you head for some far off field to see Santa you'll be robbed.................Oh Oh Oh...Merry Christmas to you Richard, and to all your family.
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/registration/5985033/alim361/profile.html - alim361, - coventry - united kingdom,13 hours ago

It's shocking how gullible some people are in this day and age. Seriously what did they expect from ' winter wonderland ' in MK ?
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/registration/3388619/russ99/profile.html - russ99, - exmouth, United Kingdom,15 hours ago

Did any member of staff think to tap on the door of the cubicle and inquire after the false leg or is that too easy BRING BACK COMMON SENSE
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/registration/3504595/J-W/profile.html - J W, - Yeovil, United Kingdom,9 hours ago

No. They just legged it.
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Dec 5, 2013 at 16:04 o\clock

Choosing The Right Wedding Dress Online

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