Travel of the spirit
Mood: Positive despite circumstances
In this year (2006) I have realised that I have travelled all over the East Coast of Australia seeking work and life opportunities.
Each time I ventured out bravely, but each time, failed. Without a friend, guide or mentor I find I am wandering blindly and soon lose confidence in my course, in myself.
When I finally stopped searching for someone else to give me a job, I discovered that I do have plenty of ideas for work. And I guess I have a wealth of experience and ability to draw on.
In a recent post I mentioned that I had lost my livelihood. This is true - the career I trained for 6 years at university is ruined. I cannot find a way in to work in my field. I have been 'pushed out' and rejected by the giants that monopolise the area. Bullying is alive and well. I couldnt be any more tired of being rejected for jobs.
It does seem an ironic and cruel blow from the world. I could not have gone to more trouble for my chosen career than 6 years of university and use of all my financial resources. Without gaining the job at the end of the study, it feels like it was simply effort wasted. Perhaps I should ask my university to pay for my training in a new field? That sounds fair. THEY RIPPED ME OFF!!!!!!!!!!!
Being 36, I am also frightened of living the rest of my life alone. It may sound silly to think that way but, I have lost most of my friends and have no way or confidence to make more. I am actually quite frightened of people now. How I am ever going to find a husband is a mystery to me. I am so frightened of never having children, of living a lonely miserable rest of my life - broke!! That does not sound fun to me.
These days I take on an 'observer mentality'. This is where I participate without becoming too involved. I am collecting and processing information on societal culture, trying to see the parts which are illogical and need change. It may be that I am like a nun or a monk to others. Quiet, polite, thoughtful.
It is difficult to maintain positivity without positive feedback from the world.
I think that many people would rather I were not alive... which, gives me reason to live, just to piss them off!
cheerio bloggers.
