Isha's findings

 

So bloggers.. without the technology to add digital pics  - this is about as close as I can find to what looks like me. :)

Right now I am living in a country coastal area. Its been raining here for about the last week. I always get around in black strides and my trusty orange scarf which doubles as a raincoat.. Am about 5"11 or so.. my hair is short (shorter than this) since I cut it off a while ago to begin a period of change and new growth - sort of a zen thing I guess.. rather start all over again.

The puddles are mostly real - I negotiate them regularly. We need the rain here right now. I dont have any pets, but would love one of those iguanas and a dog or two.

If you can see closely in my facial expression - it is me to a tee with the look of permanent fear, hope to be rescued, romance and optimism all in one.

cheerio

Mood: FEARFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Listening to: Heater heating

Hi Bloggers. Sunday has arrived. I didnt really notice since I have been affixed to my PC most of the day and half of the night.. A curious existence that I have at present.

Faced with a decision on my direction - return to an old possibility or move completely forward into an unknown future..

Having been living the life of a hermit / nun / etc. for quite a while now, and the thought of pairing up with a friend / even if an ex of most un-reliable nature, is appealing.

As I live in fear of remaining as a life lost in space floating in a spacesuit, never to engage in human contact again.. my challenge is to create a world which is full of people - "to land on a new planet??" and become part of a world again..

The how to part is fuzzy.. but the intention and hope is there. If I could just make some progress.... a safe place to live, people that care,.. work. ?

My loss has been so huge, it is barely describable - total ruin, loss after loss after loss, never-ending familial torture.. a family hanging on to me purely for entertainment value, emotional ties severed, false friends, deceit at every turn, manipulation, blackmail, constant isolation.

I consider changing my name, getting a false ID, passport and etc every other week, but then I realise WHY ON EARTH SHOULD I???!!!! I didnt actually do anything wrong!!!!!!!!! I never killed anyone, never stole anything, never did drugs - why do people hate me so much???..!!!

Trying to refrain from entering into negative brainspace, depression, immobilising fear.. - quit smoking recently!! (yahooo!!) - dont know what I liked about it so much!.. if Im not careful I will start again just for something to do.. Trying to keep my focus...

where

how

what

who

why

............................................

All those basic things in life still desired but still so far out of my reach.. love, family, kids, pets, jobs, community, friends, being needed, giving, a life worth living!!!!!!!!

....maybe I should just cease to try, give myself to the wind, to space.. drift and then one day.. open my helmet.