Mood: honest
Listening to: computer buzzing
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So - you have gathered from the last few entries that I am on a solo journey and have been for quite a while.. this has been good, introspective, working out some stuff, doing some inner healing and re-grouping .. I am still doing it but, I dont want it to be like this forever.. At present I am in a cycle in which I also have no choice but to be a hermit..I dont get many opportunities to make new friends and I cant just 'go out' on my own or else people would think I am a loony or a pro.. I am neither. I dont have leporasy, the plague or any other weird bug that I know of either.. I am normal, healthy well-adjusted considering my situation at present.
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According to my astrological and metaphysical profile I am a mystic / dreamer even visionary and I was meant to be this way.. and fair enough I am very spiritually minded and I dont mind being on my own... I am always kind of daydreaming about life..
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Basically, I am used to the solo experience. I have never been surrounded by many people in my life, usually a close 'other' -..
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I am not sure exactly how to explain all this ok or where to start.. When I was about 15 or so, I went in this dance competition..... I was the kid at the high school dances that never stopped ok - I was 'obssessed' with music and loved dancing.... .. Anyway, this dance competition ok.. I entered it at the last minute, did some crazy inspired dance routine which I made up on the spot, and got in to the final.. mum didnt actually give a stuff when i told her about it.. at the final, I chickened out - .. it was a huge event - half the population of the town was there, media and everything.. it would have been fantastic fun - but I was too shy..
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Basically, I have had a few career changes in my lifetime ok.. I went from music and drama, sports you name it.. I was good at most things but my mum had the enthusiasm of a wet blanket which just made everything seem pointless.. I did secretarial work for about 5 years - it was dull, I hated being temporary, I couldnt see why I wasnt good enough to have a permanent job like everyone else.. all the while I was figuring out what I should do for a 'real job'..
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I had this thing about dolphins and trees so I chose biol ..it seemed sensible.. I figured if I got the quals, people would believe me when I told them they were killing the fish by using pesticides ... and that ripping out old growth forrests would stuff everything... something like that ok.. I went in to uni, got the quals (worked my arse off!!) and now its like 10 years later - I dont have a job in it yet.. ...I dont know why I bother to have a plan - my life is a joke!...
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So .. that is most of it.. there is more but that is private.. if I ever decide to put it in a book, fine, go read it, I will provide the weblink...
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I think I am probably from another planet ..... I feel very misunderstood, even by myself!
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I have about 3-4 friends that keep in contact.. to me a friend or someone who cares, keeps in regular contact.. people that dont care, dont keep in contact - simple. I dont hate anyone.. right now I am annoyed with a few things, but I could never hate anyone or want to hurt them.. I feel sad because I dont understand why people do this - I mean appear and then disappear.. I cant cope with it really, I hate to say goodbye..
I have high expectations about how people should treat each other and they are usually disappointed..
I have spent the last 5 years writing job applications.. I am kind of tired of it... I actually think it is a hilarious joke now.. I spend so much energy writing these things then they just get thrown in the bin.. its incredibly funny !!!... I did very well at Uni!!! I got distinctions!! This is beyond a laugh.. I have a sneaking suspician my applications get used to write up new policies..I dont put as much effort in any more.. I have started to add things which say - "I would be happy to provide my ideas and advice on this subject for work in the context of this position".. which is as good as saying - piss off!, you cant have my ideas unless you give me a damm job!
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I have girlfriends that have similar difficulty.. I think I would probably be a much more interesting candidate if I had a busier social life.. ironic though, I cant afford a social life so I am caught in a merry go round of isolation, applications and rejection letters.. I am starting to think I should complain to someone about this.. surely there is a human rights group out there who would help me!!
I have some amazing ideas though..its kind of cool actually.. I can think of a solution to just about anything.. you give me the parameters, I think it over, come back - I have solutions, or I have solutions on the spot.. I dont know why this is.. perhaps it is because I dont get out much, dont have a tv.. something like that.. anyway, because I am not socially connected my ideas get snapped up or swept under the carpet.. I dont mind.. the people that are ripping me off will go to bed at night thinking they are so good, and that their job is safe for the next 50 years, but they will have to live with the guilt that they ripped me off and that they dont have an original thought in their brain.. I guess I should feel happy that I am contributing sooo much to the world even though I am considered to be sooo worthless.
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Something you will always notice about me and this blog - I can be extreme.. either extremely positive or extremely negative.. I try to maintain a balance and realistic perspective - obviously one in which there is always hope for the future..
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thank you for listening - bless you all
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Have a great day
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and come back soon!!
