Isha's findings

Mood: contemplative
Listening to: time ticking away....

Things starting to happen,  am getting 'signals' and 'directions' and I like it!!! It feels like I am a sentient being, slowly being coaxed out of my cave.. I would of said I was a bear being coaxed out of hibernation, but that's not accurate!! ha ha..I am not! planning to be grumpy when the weather warms up!..

Am having doubts about my true love.. if I see him again, he may be disappointed and this is a worry.. he might not like my less than perfect face, smile, figure, hair... he may see too many 'flaws' in my exterior that he overlooks me completely.. has he come as far as me or is he still behind??.. I will have to wait and see....

I have become much more 'beautiful' on the inside and outside, of course, no where near as beautiful as I could have been.. but, that is relative.. I think beauty is actually love.. no-one is ever perfect all the time, at every hour, in every situation.. some things make us appear different and un-attractive.. can anyone honestly say they look beautiful when they wake up??!! No Way!!! you might have puffy eyes, pale skin, messy hair ..every day is different..nobody is so perfect, they are always 'beautiful'!!....?

If he doesnt 'see' me to be beautiful, it is something I am prepared for.. I have a lot to live for.... I dont mind if he prefers the company of some supermodel rather than me.. if he is happy then thats nice, I wont argue.. I can try to get his attention, but obviously, not too much.. these things cannot be forced - ever. Wish me luck!!

Anyone who reads this, please vote in my poll.. ..........> cheerio come back soon!

I am starting to fall in love with someone.. actually I have probably always loved this person, but I was too scared to do anything about it..How awful that fear can stop us from going after what we need or want.. the first time I saw his photo, I knew he was my true love.. when I found out more about him, I was certain.. we seemed to have matching souls as far as I could work out... he loved everything I loved, he thought like I did.. and of course, I thought he was the most handsome man I had ever seen in my life - his photo jumped out at me as if to say "Pick MEEE!!!", I felt like I knew everything about him, he was so gorgeous to me that I thought I would cry..I was captured right then, but my fear immobilised me... I put his picture away and set him into my mind as an impossible target....

After all this time of hiding my desire away.. I have started to think that I ruined my whole life. I cant imagine how happy I could have been if I had tried to find him... I have missed out on my real life in fact!!! All the time between then and now has been wasted on growing up!!......?

Thinking about this a little longer, I discovered that not going after my true love was not the only thing I had denied myself.... while I care about what I am doing in my current career, I noticed that I would probably have been so much happier and successful had I chosen a job that I truly loved... The trouble was that back then I felt a lot of pressure to make money, I wanted my family to be proud...I decided to give up on my dream.

Everybody tells us that we find success when we are truly "on our path"...this is probably very true!!.. When we are doing our best work, we at our happiest, we have more to offer the world and our relationships, we are more powerful and focussed, we have more confidence in our abilities and the process of the universe. We can give out our creativity to the maximum, people appreciate it and want us to do more, life overflows with abundance..When we are truly on our path, everything goes along right.. we can access every happiness, everything good can happen.. I dont think we find our soul mate if we are unhappy or on the wrong path....

... this probably explains a few things about why I am where I am.. I got stuck on a path that is growing weeds and drying up in front of me...it has been sapping my energy, draining out my time, costing me the earth!!, and it is not making me any money or any friends either!! - I am over-due for a change to something which will allow me to free my creativity, express my self.. get me back to a life that I love..

Somebody told me to make a list of what I want in my life partner..I think that is so hard...I should make a list of what I dont want- my true love is not going to meet my expectations, he is going to exceed them!! and thats what it is all about. I think a list is impossible to write anyway because it is finite.. it would take me the rest of my life to get to know him!.. every time I try to write a list - this is the kind of thing I end up with:

- tall, dark and handsome, honourable, loving, passionate, honest. He would want to take me out to things, dinner parties, dances, he would want to introduce me to his family and friends, he would want to be spontaneous, he would love me the person very much, he would see my potential, he would be very affectionate, caring and thoughtful. As far as looks are concerned, all I know is that he will know when he sees me. There will be something about me, that will capture him so that he keeps on chasing me even after he has got me, there would always be romance, he would go out of his way not to upset me or argue, he would worry about me when I am away, he is the type of person who would do anything for me as I would for him.

What I havent factored in to all this is that I am human and so is he!!! I was not brave enough to try to find him, but he wasnt brave enough to find me either.. I guess it is not all my fault and it is not his fault either..

What is really great about the world, nature, god and all the power of the universe is, that while we are here (alive and on earth), we have unlimited chances to reach our potential.. the universe, unlike people, never ever gives up.

True love - if you are reading this.. please forgive me that I gave up on you, I promise to find you - I am sorry, I have loved you all my life, I will love you till the end of time, I miss you and I dont want to live without you.

Mood: fictional
Listening to: air

.... "you are here for the tour mam??".. "yes thank you, I have a booking" .. "welcome to ursa minor!, you are in room 12, here is your key, let me know if you need anything, enjoy "..

during the night, I woke up from the traffic noise - how do they sleep here!!??.. - I can get by without sleep now, for up to a month... a brief meditation provides sufficient energy but I prefer real sleep....I got up to review the tour details and make notes, I sent a message to amelia and tristan..amelia has been following my story, she knew I had to come here alone.. she is becoming a follower.. tristan is learning about my language, I am training him, we are going to meet up and write up our idea.. he knows who I am

At 9:15am both suns were up, five layers of atmosphere were visible.. since they figured out atmospheric re-processing, the air was clean, no pollution just noise and busy skies.. I made my way to the auditorium to meet the coordinator and register.. I had been selected from a small group of assistants.. while I was here, I would try to find my contact, if I can find him we could stop the war.... The night before I had reviewed his photo, he was worrying about whether there was any hope at all, he seemed to think he had lost something very important, he looked so unhappy now..... I knew I was running out of time, how could I tell him everything would be alright!!??

Mood: honest
Listening to: computer buzzing

...

... So - you have gathered from the last few entries that I am on a solo journey and have been for quite a while.. this has been good, introspective, working out some stuff, doing some inner healing and re-grouping .. I am still doing it but, I dont want it to be like this forever.. At present I am in a cycle in which I also have no choice but to be a hermit..I dont get many opportunities to make new friends and I cant just 'go out' on my own or else people would think I am a loony or a pro.. I am neither. I dont have leporasy, the plague or any other weird bug that I know of either.. I am normal, healthy well-adjusted considering my situation at present.

... According to my astrological and metaphysical profile I am a mystic / dreamer even visionary and I was meant to be this way.. and fair enough I am very spiritually minded and I dont mind being on my own... I am always kind of daydreaming about life..

...

... Basically, I am used to the solo experience. I have never been surrounded by many people in my life, usually a close 'other' -..

...

... I am not sure exactly how to explain all this ok or where to start.. When I was about 15 or so, I went in this dance competition..... I was the kid at the high school dances that never stopped ok - I was 'obssessed' with music and loved dancing.... .. Anyway, this dance competition ok.. I entered it at the last minute, did some crazy inspired dance routine which I made up on the spot, and got in to the final.. mum didnt actually give a stuff when i told her about it.. at the final, I chickened out - .. it was a huge event - half the population of the town was there, media and everything.. it would have been fantastic fun - but I was too shy..

... Basically, I have had a few career changes in my lifetime ok.. I went from music and drama, sports you name it.. I was good at most things but my mum had the enthusiasm of a wet blanket which just made everything seem pointless.. I did secretarial work for about 5 years - it was dull, I hated being temporary, I couldnt see why I wasnt good enough to have a permanent job like everyone else.. all the while I was figuring out what I should do for a 'real job'..

... I had this thing about dolphins and trees so I chose biol ..it seemed sensible.. I figured if I got the quals, people would believe me when I told them they were killing the fish by using pesticides ... and that ripping out old growth forrests would stuff everything... something like that ok.. I went in to uni, got the quals (worked my arse off!!) and now its like 10 years later - I dont have a job in it yet..

...I dont know why I bother to have a plan - my life is a joke!...

... So .. that is most of it.. there is more but that is private.. if I ever decide to put it in a book, fine, go read it, I will provide the weblink...

... I think I am probably from another planet ..... I feel very misunderstood, even by myself!

...

... I have about 3-4 friends that keep in contact.. to me a friend or someone who cares, keeps in regular contact.. people that dont care, dont keep in contact - simple. I dont hate anyone.. right now I am annoyed with a few things, but I could never hate anyone or want to hurt them.. I feel sad because I dont understand why people do this - I mean appear and then disappear.. I cant cope with it really, I hate to say goodbye..

I have high expectations about how people should treat each other and they are usually disappointed..

I have spent the last 5 years writing job applications.. I am kind of tired of it... I actually think it is a hilarious joke now.. I spend so much energy writing these things then they just get thrown in the bin.. its incredibly funny !!!... I did very well at Uni!!! I got distinctions!! This is beyond a laugh.. I have a sneaking suspician my applications get used to write up new policies..I dont put as much effort in any more.. I have started to add things which say - "I would be happy to provide my ideas and advice on this subject for work in the context of this position".. which is as good as saying - piss off!, you cant have my ideas unless you give me a damm job!

... I have girlfriends that have similar difficulty.. I think I would probably be a much more interesting candidate if I had a busier social life.. ironic though, I cant afford a social life so I am caught in a merry go round of isolation, applications and rejection letters.. I am starting to think I should complain to someone about this.. surely there is a human rights group out there who would help me!!

I have some amazing ideas though..its kind of cool actually.. I can think of a solution to just about anything.. you give me the parameters, I think it over, come back - I have solutions, or I have solutions on the spot.. I dont know why this is.. perhaps it is because I dont get out much, dont have a tv.. something like that.. anyway, because I am not socially connected my ideas get snapped up or swept under the carpet.. I dont mind.. the people that are ripping me off will go to bed at night thinking they are so good, and that their job is safe for the next 50 years, but they will have to live with the guilt that they ripped me off and that they dont have an original thought in their brain.. I guess I should feel happy that I am contributing sooo much to the world even though I am considered to be sooo worthless.

... Something you will always notice about me and this blog - I can be extreme.. either extremely positive or extremely negative.. I try to maintain a balance and realistic perspective - obviously one in which there is always hope for the future..

... thank you for listening - bless you all

... Have a great day

... and come back soon!!

Mood: levelling
Listening to: silence

Hello - here is a new entry.. not that it can replace the old one... it is an addition.