Memo from Dick Cheney to Karl Rove.
George recently told the world how Laura was a snivelling coyote for refusing to share her bed with him. Don't ask me how it leaked but I'll certainly be looking into it.
THE DAILY CODSWALLOP
A leaked excerpt from the tape recorded journals of George W. Bush.
Wednesday 28th December 2005
As we plummet towards 2006, here is the first in a series of excerpts from Dubya's personal diaries.
Gee, but I told those idiotics didn't I? I told those evil doing bozos last week. How dare they critisize me who is their leader and their better and God's annointed? You can't knock God that way. Jesus. Well I let 'em have it last week though. I ain't no whipped dog wimp like daddy was. I am the STRONG one, Goddammit and they'll see. Goddamn them but they will. They won't be in no rush to disagree with me for a few weeks unless they want another trip to the wood shed, eh? Move aside Coulter for I am the daddy, I am the man and next time..... next time.... I'll tell it straight. I'll tell it like it is. Like, I'll tell 'em this.... I'll say, you know about the Katrina thing? Well you were right all along. I could not give a good goddamn about New Orleans. It is a sinful Sodem & Gomorrah cess pit, and God told me to let it drown. It was a message from God. It was that wrathful smote thing that He'd got going there when He decided to drown that town and I'm not ever gonna' question the word of our Lord. What He says goes and me, being his man down here on Planet Earth, I ain't about to stop Him. I got His back and New Orleans can go nail its head to a barn door if it wants to, it ain't never coming back. The public has moved on and so have I. Goes to show that those little white lies of mine aren't really sinful at all. Quite the reverse, you bastards, quite the reverse. Its gonna be like that Aids in Africa thing. I told 'em I was gonna' spend big to help out there but I lied 'cos God smote those Aids suckers too and 'tain't no way I'm gonna' thwart the Lord . I just want the American people to take their eye off the ball just long enough to get bored and move on. Knew I would't have to wait too long for that neither. So New Orleans and the African Aids brigade best not be sending out no reminders about the "where's our money thing" 'cos they aint getting it.
Jesus, but I'm a genius ain't I, oh yessiree Bob I am, even if I say so myself. Move over Machieveli. Move over Karl Goddamn Rove. Idiotics, the pair of you, leastways compared to me you are. My but you've met your match. Goddamit, I'm a genius and no messing .... he-heeeeeeeeeeeeee.
THE DAILY CODSWALLOP
27/10/05
"Why is everyone calling me names?", that was the president's plaintive question last night as the storm clouds gathered ominously around his presidency. The 54 year old went on to insist that he is not (as some have claimed) talking to the portraits hanging on Whitehouse walls. He went on to retort "There are millions of portraits around that place and if I was really talking to any of them , don't you think I would have started with Ronald Reagan, him being my all-time hero and all. Come to think of it, Reagan would be the only one worth talking to anyway .... well him and Herbert Hoover maybe. The American public can rest assured that If I ain't talking to those two, I ain't talking to anyone".
Bush a dunce claim
Those with long memories may recall that Richard Nixon was also said to have been in the habit of speaking to portraits during the dog days leading up to the Watergate resignation. However close aides say that, unlike Nixon, Bush is a dunce and has no interest in the portraits of past politicians. One reliable Whitehouse source has told the Daily Codswallop "If Tammy Wynette and Dolly Parton were there on the wall or the little baby Jeeeeeeesus, well that might have been a problem but Abe Lincoln? FDR? JFK? ? Give me a goddamn break, for crying out loud. Junior is bored sh*tless by history and politics and the like so why would he want a conversation with any of the dignatories hanging on the walls of the whitehouse?
Bush bone idle bastard
This plucky, wacky Prez Bush, meanwhile, admits to an uncoventional approach to running the country. "They can call it ignorance and apathy but I would remind my critics that I am the son of God and God moves in mysterious ways, and so do I. I only look lazy because Our Lord has asked me to look that way. Its to throw non-believers off the scent and prevent them from gate- crashing The Rapture".
Bush the defiant won't be changing a thing.
THE DAILY CADSWALLOP
Thursday 22nd 2005
GEORGE BUSH HAS ENEMIES LIST
Whitehouse aides have been rocked by allegations that incumbent President George Bush has entered his unlikely second term with a list of enemies and now the testy Prez may suffer another steep decline in popularity for his trouble. Said one close aide, "He wants all the people on this list whacked... and its a long list but he thinks its do-able, if only because he thinks he can claim national security reasons for the hits. He makes Nixon look like the tooth fairy."
Bush is loony bin bound
Sources close to the Oval Office say that boss of the USA is getting worse and now aides have dubbed Bush's oddball behavior as "The Madness of King George". Said a high-ranking official "If people knew how f**ked up Bush is, he'd be in a high security asylum for the criminally insane now. He is a menace."
Bush wants more people dead
It is alleged that a large number of people wouldn't be dead were it not for the eccentric forty third US Prez but now freinds fear that he wants more. "Every day there's another one he orders killed", said a friend "he e-mails people two or three times a day about it. We have to prentend that the Secret Service are carrying out national securiry assassinations practically all the time now."
Us or Him?
Washington insiders are now so alarmed by these developments that they are seemingly starting to break ranks. The pugilistic Prez's has even left a paper trail that leads right back to him. One such memo was leaked directly to this newspaper.
Shut it or else
And now the nation's favourite tabloid, the soaraway "Bullshitter News" is determined to publish the damning document as soon as we can. For now, sneeky Whitehouse lawyers have a temporary gagging order in place . We are determined to bring our readers a full accounting once we have once we win our court case to have the order removed
THE DAILY CODSWALLOP
sUNDAY 17TH sEPTEMBER 2005
Liberal Laura In Commie Outburst
Leftie First Lady Laura Bush shocked friends late Saturday night after a drunken evening led to a frenzied assault on her own husband's record. Legless Laura turned on her teototalling president hubby after downing half a bottle of her own homegrown moonshine and tippling her way though several glasses of Champaigne.
Bush is shit president.
Leftie Laura rounded on her husband in full view of the assembled world media, insisting "You are a shit President and you are spoiling everything" She then turned her guns on First Mom Babbs, yelling "You horrible old bitch. You make Marie Antoinette look like Mother Theresa and I hate your guts! No wonder you son is such a heartless shit for brains".
Cheney is Psycho
But the inlaws were not the last to get the hard word from outspoken Laura. She stunned onlookers when she said of her husband's hard-hitting second in command, Dick Cheney "Dick is a fully signed up criminal psycopath and I don't care if he has another heart attack.
Close aides to the President dubbed the hard drinking Laura "tired and emotional". but denied last week's rumours that the militant first lady intended to "spill the beans " on her husband and his government before the month is out.
Mrs Bush was unavailable for comment this morning and is not expected to speak about the matter again.
By noragchick.
