http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley Award-winning Blog, running since 2004 en janeygodley janeygodley Mon, 15 Mar 2010 22:14:24 +0100 daily 1 People who get together at an event and hire an after dinner speaker for a wad load of cash deserve a good night. I am not writing here to berate the after dinner speakers circuit- I won after Dinner Speaker of The Year and beat 9 men to the title. I like after dinner speaking, to me it's a way of doing comedy in a nice dress to people who normally wouldn't come out to a comedy club and hopefully giving them a taste for it. What I have encountered is basically horrendous! I am usually on with two other men, in suits, who get up with a clutch of cards in their hands and launch into 30 minutes of old material which is peppered with gross sexist, racist and unbelievably dull comedy that they either got off the internet or swapped with another speaker. The audience are usually full of nice business people who ask me things like ‘as a woman comic do you swear?' but they don't hesitate to laugh out loud at the joke about ‘my mother only had two kids because she was told... Mon, 15 Mar 2010 22:14:24 +0100 http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/After-Dinner-Speakers/4394/ http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/After-Dinner-Speakers/4394/ Yes, it has begun and I love the festival in my wee home town. Comedy is very much a Glaswegian thing; we just seem to be a funny bunch of folk in Glasgow, which isn't to say people from Dumfries, Hawick or Prestonpans aren't inherently funny, but well...are they? We in Glasgow are the kind of people who can turn a queue at a bus stop into a comedy gig, and that my friend is something I have never seen in London or elsewhere! My one woman show is at The Tron Theatre on Thursday 25 th March you can get tickets here http://www.tron.co.uk/event/janey_godley/  I would love to see you there! Last night I headed down to The Stand in Glasgow and watched the amazing Benjamin Crellin, he is a Kiwi comic mate of mine from New Zealand and Ben's stuff always makes me smile from the inside out- very clever and interesting comedy juice flows out of him. There are heaps of big TV names coming to Glasgow and that's nice but it's always good to go watch a comic who... Fri, 12 Mar 2010 19:31:25 +0100 http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/The-Glasgow-Comedy-Festival-2010/4393/ http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/The-Glasgow-Comedy-Festival-2010/4393/ Been ages since I have been to Liverpool and my GOD it has changed beyond some recognition- big flashy shops and a weird area just full of expansive expensive shops like an LA mall or something. But it is lovely and that’s cracking, though I don’t understand why building big concrete shopping museums as a way of regenerating a city is helpful- but am not educated in inner city regeneration, so what the hell do I know?   I am staying in lovely flash serviced apartments; it really is so awesome-but the doors bother me. They are HUGE doors and all marbled flooring throughout. The doors on my flat don’t have a chain or lock, just a plastic card with numbers in indelible ink crudely scrawled over it, then scored out and rewritten. You just hold the plastic card against the door and it unlocks, so when I am in bed I worried I couldn’t lock my door, so I put a metal grill pan handle I found in the massive kitchen (which is beautiful) and balanced it on the handle so if anyone opened my... Wed, 10 Mar 2010 12:11:02 +0100 http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/Liverpool-looks-good/4392/ http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/Liverpool-looks-good/4392/ "Don't let the cat lick your eyelashes" my great niece Abi shouted. There was no danger of me letting her evil cat near my face; it has the temperament of Naomi Campbell on one of her hormonal days. I have never known such a moody cat in my life. Seriously it goes into attack mode from the far end of the hall when it sees me and it regularly cuddles up to the kids then turns on them. It's stopped using its nails on them and basically boxes their wee cheeks with its pads...but the intention is still there. I do love going over to see Abi, Shaun and Julia but Myra Hindley the cat always manages to have a go at me for no reason and I LOVE CATS...yet it still resists my cat luring charms. I think it's slightly mental. Anyway had fun seeing Ann Mags and the kids- their house is always chaotic when I arrive and this visit was no different. Julia was doing tumbles and banging her spine off the coffee table, Shaun was clattering all over the hall... Thu, 04 Mar 2010 01:27:24 +0100 http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/My-week-so-far/4391/ http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/My-week-so-far/4391/ It’s been a weird week all in all. I was in Birmingham last week doing shows and was about to head home by train on the Monday, and then of course I got the news on Saturday night that my comedy friend Jason Wood had died suddenly. So, instead of heading back to Glasgow I went straight to London. I just felt I had to see my best pal Monica and spend some time with her; Jason’s death shocked us both to the core. And of course I wanted to attend the wee get together with some of my mates who knew Jason. So, I brought forward some meetings I had at BBC as well and just spent the past week in London. I do love the place and despite being all discombobulated I had some quality time doing nothing much but sleeping and wondering why someone can die suddenly so young and what that means to us all. The rain battered London into submission, I even managed to stand on one of those wobbly cracked concrete paving stones that are secretly submerged in a puddle, so when you land on it, you lever the... Sat, 27 Feb 2010 18:30:36 +0100 http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/What-times-I-had/4390/ http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/What-times-I-had/4390/ It's serious business being three years old. I know this, because I wear big girl's pants and mummy cheers when I go to the toilet myself, but she hates it when I show Mr Ali in the newspaper shop my big girl's pants under my dress. There are rules to understand, big people make the rules, then break the rules. "Show Aunty Janey, your big girls pants" she says, but when I show them to other people she screams "Don't Julia" So I guess only some people is allowed to see them, I wish she would make a list of these people so I can keep up. "Be kind to the hamster" is another rule, but when I put lipstick on it, she shouts again. The hamster loves lipstick, its smiles at me when I do it and then it licks its lips which I know it means it wants more. Cuddling the goldfish is out; it makes its eyes go funny and I suppose it doesn't like cuddles. There are three girls upstairs with the same faces that are brown, mummy says I have... Tue, 23 Feb 2010 14:35:51 +0100 http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/I-am-Julia-and-I-am-Three/4389/ http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/I-am-Julia-and-I-am-Three/4389/ Jason Wood the lovely comedian aged 38, died on Saturday 20 th February 2010. He transcended all the bitching, all the jealousy and all the clichés that comedy generates and actually made us better people for knowing him. It's not often in comedy you meet a gracious lovely human with no bad words to say about anyone and Jason Wood was that man. He was a great comic and amazing singer who worked the circuit all over the world. I met Jason years ago through a mutual friend and then we renewed the friendship years later when I got into comedy and it was as strong as ever. You see that was thing about Jason he touched the heart and made a connection with everyone he met. We all had a special friendship with him. He twittered me on Friday afternoon to encourage me to play a game on IPhone with him and always sent wee uplifting messages when he instinctively knew you needed them. That's who Jason was, someone who always had your back. We last spoke on the phone... Sun, 21 Feb 2010 12:23:35 +0100 http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/Jason-Wood/4388/ http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/Jason-Wood/4388/ I was in London last weekend. The wind whipped right through me at Battersea Park, it was like a cold sharp knife seeking the warmth in my body, so it could slice and dice the heat into fragments to jagged ice through my old blood. Do not go out there people. I saw skinny folk jogging, I felt eternally sorry for them but they probably had better arteries than me, so who am I to judge? I walked down past the Latchmere theatre to find a hairdresser to get my ever present grey roots dyed as they push up through my scalp like persistent weeds. Why can't someone invent a chemical pill that you take which dyes your hair from ‘inside' your head and grows out that particular colour? Why can't that happen? University's get funding to write papers on why biscuits go damp in tea or why women don't like slap stick comedy, why can't someone spend cash on the hair dye pill? Anyway I went searching for a hairdresser's and came across one where the woman... Tue, 16 Feb 2010 22:49:31 +0100 http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/London-was-chilly/4387/ http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/London-was-chilly/4387/ Yes, I know...over a week for a blog...I have been busy as hell. Writing and doing stuff, eating and watching movies. My life is eternally dull; I couldn't imagine what to tell you all. Went into Glasgow centre yesterday to meet dad, who told me a big story about how years ago he went to a Scotland versus Brazil football match in Edinburgh (maybe it was the 60s) anyway he told me that a fight broke out and an Edinburgh man hit him right between the eyes with a hand held scythe, the pointed bit knocked a hole in my dads forehead. Ok a few questions here, who takes a scythe to a football match, why was he fighting other Scottish people AND when was my dad a crowd fighter? Anyway he told me this story to impress upon me why he doesn't like Edinburgh people....seriously? One scythe to the head and you don't like a city? So I suppose he wont be coming to the Fringe to see my show...not with all that scythe action happening. There are lots about my dad I don't know, it's... Thu, 11 Feb 2010 13:34:40 +0100 http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/World-s-laziest-blogger/4386/ http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/World-s-laziest-blogger/4386/ Andy Murray got beat at tennis and I got a camera up my ass. Yes, the day dawned for my colonoscopy, heres what happened, months ago I told my doc I had some bowel issues, now I would write the Latin word but my spell check is having trouble with Diarrhoea - maybe that's the right spelling eh? Anyway...my doc got me a hospital appointment and the specialist booked me in for a colonoscopy...as fast as that! And as fast as that my Diarrhoea disappeared, yes it did! So, I was told to drink FOUR litres of a powder that the hospital sent in the post, not an illegal powder I hasten to add, just something called Prep-klean...I hate ANYTHING spelt with a K when it really means a C but anyway I had to dilute these evil smelling granules in water. It said ‘vanilla' flavour on the side, now unless vanilla tastes like battery acid, I have no idea what they added to the foul smelling salts, but I managed to get ONE litre down my gullet before I started throwing up. ... Thu, 04 Feb 2010 08:51:10 +0100 http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/Spoiler-Alert-may-contain-stories-about-shit/4385/ http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/Spoiler-Alert-may-contain-stories-about-shit/4385/   It felt like January was going on forever, but it has ended now, thank God! It's been an odd month for me all round, lots of writing work and less performance gigs which have freaked me out slightly. If I don't get on stage I tend to be mental, husband says am like a cloven hoofed wolf prowling the house looking for faults! My dad decided he wanted new curtains for his windows, so we bought him some (he picked them and shouted the serial number of them into my face in the street- he is a bit deaf, still...I nearly bit his face, I hate shouting). After we delivered them and the new curtain pole, I told him to give us a few days before we could come up and fix it into the wall. He agreed and spoke at length about the dangers of an old man going up heights, but as we drove away, I saw the silhouette of him erecting the ladders through his blinds! He is a stubborn old bugger! Ashley and I have been writing hard for a radio show. People always ask what... Sat, 30 Jan 2010 16:40:52 +0100 http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/January-never-ends/4384/ http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/January-never-ends/4384/ Last weekend was awesome, Ashley and I decided to head to London and have a fun weekend. We were both doing Burns poems at a Private London Club as part of their Burns Night celebrations. Ashley ‘gets' Burns and I am not really sure of how to pronounce his work, but she taught me over the week. We flew into London at 8am on Friday morning, both of us exhausted as we don't do mornings well and I hate folk who fight for elbow space on the London tube. Some nasty wee man started pushing his elbow right into my side as he read his paper. Ashley was sitting opposite and glared at him, whilst making silent angry eyes at me, I waited till he got comfy and gave him a proper Glasgow dunt (a big shove) right back. He was startled but gave up trying to stick his arm under my left breast. I felt like turning round and saying "We will need a lubricant if you get any closer to my side boobs" but the dunt did it. He had the cheek to look at me as if I was wrong! Anyway we got to the... Thu, 28 Jan 2010 03:37:47 +0100 http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/London-Weekend-Fun/4383/ http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/London-Weekend-Fun/4383/ On Monday I had to go present myself for jury duty; I tried getting out of it by providing a valid E-Ticket from British Airways which clearly states I am leaving Glasgow this coming Friday. They sent it back by post and told me turn up on Monday and ...maybe just maybe...they will let me off. What I don't understand is- with the sheer amount of unemployed people that we keep reading about in The Daily Mail why do the courts want people who are terminally busy? Do busy people have better judgement? I don't think so, I think if I had better judgement I would not work and lie in bed all day. I am a stupid twat that chose a career; if I was smart I would do piss all and sleep instead of working in an industry that still thinks women aren't quite good enough for the job. Anyway, I dragged myself out of bed at 8am on Monday, thought ‘suppose I better wash my hair, I don't want to turn up looking mental....hang on...maybe looking mental is good?' So, instead of... Wed, 20 Jan 2010 16:57:33 +0100 http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/Happy-Monday/4382/ http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/Happy-Monday/4382/ Have loved the cold weather, so much so I went on ‘STV The Hour' show and declared my love of the snow, it was funny- to me.  I did have a blocked up nose during the broadcast and was sweating slightly. The snow has been a double edged sword in my household. On the one hand, we are all getting cabin fever, on the other we are all talking more and huddling together. Ashley and I are writing together, I have to sit in her room as we do it and I get all distracted by staring at her book collection (why does she have Dirk Bogarde's biography?), the bundles of clothes (are they clean or needing ironed?), why is there make up bottles mixed with bank statements and a basil Panini? (Should I sort them out?) Things come into my head and she shouts "Mum, stop looking at my stuff and bloody focus on what we are writing, we have a deadline!" I am easily distracted. So after all this week of writing, learning a new programme on the laptop and dealing with a... Wed, 13 Jan 2010 21:40:35 +0100 http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/Chill-Out-Time/4381/ http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/Chill-Out-Time/4381/ The fair haired woman at the bus stop cried loudly and turned away as her male friend shouted into her face. He then slapped her loudly across the head with a plastic bag which I assumed must have concealed a bottle, for the crack that she suffered made my teeth grind and crush as I heard the impact. He stood there, his bald head red with anger, his other fist trembling in rage and his face contorted into that of a snarling bull dog. The blonde woman simply moaned and bent over holding her head after the bottle made contact with her scalp. "Leave her alone you crazy freak!" I screamed and stepped between him and the moaning simpering woman. "Don't say anything." - The woman lifted her dazed face towards me, pleading with her frightened eyes. I knew exactly what she was conveying with her eyes. "If you upset him, I get it more" is what she was saying. "If you stand up to him, he will beat me worse in private." Those feelings stirred up old... Thu, 07 Jan 2010 17:36:39 +0100 http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/Safer-World-for-Women/4380/ http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/Safer-World-for-Women/4380/ Yes, it is the end of the year. That time when we look back and think...screw that... I am looking forward! I am NOT looking back to see what I could have done differently, I refuse to mull over old shit and worry about it. I am old enough now to just look ahead! I have just discovered the delights of PS3- Ashley got it for Christmas and I love watching her play, I may even try to do it myself. The last time I played a ‘video' game was at the Weavers Inn pub in the early 90s. It was a space invader game and the sound effects made me nervous, so I am not that great at them but am willing to give it a go. I was watching Ashley create a digital image of herself on the PS3, then she entered this digital city centre and seemed to ‘run' around meeting strange folk who wanted to either fuck her or swap sex files with her, not much different from real life I suppose. Except that smart city scape looked very clean and didn't have dog shit or have drunks vomiting into... Thu, 31 Dec 2009 19:50:08 +0100 http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/Is-it-the-end/4379/ http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/Is-it-the-end/4379/ We are about to go into 2010, how was the last decade for you? Here are the highlights of my last decade. 2000- I watched the Millennium firework display on a balcony overlooking the Thames in London on the eve of the year 2000 with my daughter Ashley, she was the youngest stand up comic in 1999 and was finishing the year by retiring from stand up- she was 13 years old. I was running a comedy club at Mansions Café Bar in Glasgow's West End, it was great fun but it closed suddenly due to non payment of bills or tax problems, whichever is easier to believe. My cousin Sammy died due to infected heroin. 2001- I hopped over to NZ and did the Comedy Festival for the first time. I ran a comedy club in London at The Atlantic Bar, it closed due to the terror attacks in New York on September 11 th , which resulted in a lack of tourists or non payment of bills & tax problems, which ever is easier to believe, you decide. No one died, in my family. ... Mon, 28 Dec 2009 15:32:00 +0100 http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/That-was-the-Decade-that-was/4378/ http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/That-was-the-Decade-that-was/4378/ I don't have a Christmas rush, because I take time to go buy food we want to eat on the ‘big day' and contrary to popular belief, shops DON'T run out of stuff. My problem is having time to organise myself and the work, and the amazing evil deathly snow didn't help. Luckily I was based in Glasgow for most of December, no flapping off to foreign climes for me during the season, just good old Glasgow! Usually husband & I are snugly ensconced in a serviced flat in Leeds, Nottingham or Canada around this time of year as I do my comedy thing, but this year I stayed home and did local gigs. Mainly because my dad is spending his first December as a widower, we lost mum early this year. It has had a devastating effect on him, luckily my dad has an awesome step family who care and love him. I do my bit by turning up, chasing squirrels from his wheelie bin or convincing him that one mouse does not equate an invasion. Sometimes we talk about stuff, or I have to cancel Virgin... Thu, 24 Dec 2009 08:00:40 +0100 http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/This-past-week/4377/ http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/This-past-week/4377/ Just watching the Nativity scene in my local town square, I was struck by how bare it looked. Having given birth myself once, and I do say once because it was so painful and distressing, I never done it again, I was shocked at how serene Mary always looks. Personally I would be thoroughly gutted, that after giving birth to the most important child in all millennia, the only visitors I received were a trio of Kings bringing totally useless gifts, not one women pops in with a hot mug of tea and a couple of pain killing tinctures. It was bad enough for Mary having to go through a painful labour (She was a virgin as well, that stuff would have hurt) amongst straw and some farmyard animals, but to have to entertain guests without as much as a shower first, must have been horrendous. How does she remain that peaceful and happy looking, I personally couldn't sit down for a week and don't even ask me how my boobs felt, as to describe that would involve a flip chart and an over head... Thu, 17 Dec 2009 23:15:28 +0100 http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/Mary-in-the-stable/4376/ http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/Mary-in-the-stable/4376/   Long life energy saving light bulbs are total bollocks. They don't last ten years and they are so dull you have to buy the highest wattage, which still feels like a flickering candle and end up buying another lamp to brighten the room. How is that ‘energy saving'? I now have two lights running to make up for the ONE light I used to have. Apparently if you use the energy bulbs on the ceiling they don't last long with heat reflecting from the ceiling and they are only going to last ten years if you only use them for 3 hours a day, and to make matters worse, if you continually switch them off and on, THAT reduces their lifespan as well! On top of all that, the light gives me a dull thudding headache and I end up with a battery lamp beside my laptop! So, basically I am going through these energy saving bulbs at a rate of 2 a year! My old bulbs lasted longer and I don't know if that's less energy used, but when you work out the carbon... Tue, 15 Dec 2009 08:41:13 +0100 http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/My-Rant/4375/ http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/My-Rant/4375/