http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley Award-winning Blog, running since 2004 en janeygodley janeygodley Thu, 04 Feb 2010 08:51:10 +0100 daily 1 Andy Murray got beat at tennis and I got a camera up my ass. Yes, the day dawned for my colonoscopy, heres what happened, months ago I told my doc I had some bowel issues, now I would write the Latin word but my spell check is having trouble with Diarrhoea - maybe that's the right spelling eh? Anyway...my doc got me a hospital appointment and the specialist booked me in for a colonoscopy...as fast as that! And as fast as that my Diarrhoea disappeared, yes it did! So, I was told to drink FOUR litres of a powder that the hospital sent in the post, not an illegal powder I hasten to add, just something called Prep-klean...I hate ANYTHING spelt with a K when it really means a C but anyway I had to dilute these evil smelling granules in water. It said ‘vanilla' flavour on the side, now unless vanilla tastes like battery acid, I have no idea what they added to the foul smelling salts, but I managed to get ONE litre down my gullet before I started throwing up. ... Thu, 04 Feb 2010 08:51:10 +0100 http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/Spoiler-Alert-may-contain-stories-about-shit/4385/ http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/Spoiler-Alert-may-contain-stories-about-shit/4385/   It felt like January was going on forever, but it has ended now, thank God! It's been an odd month for me all round, lots of writing work and less performance gigs which have freaked me out slightly. If I don't get on stage I tend to be mental, husband says am like a cloven hoofed wolf prowling the house looking for faults! My dad decided he wanted new curtains for his windows, so we bought him some (he picked them and shouted the serial number of them into my face in the street- he is a bit deaf, still...I nearly bit his face, I hate shouting). After we delivered them and the new curtain pole, I told him to give us a few days before we could come up and fix it into the wall. He agreed and spoke at length about the dangers of an old man going up heights, but as we drove away, I saw the silhouette of him erecting the ladders through his blinds! He is a stubborn old bugger! Ashley and I have been writing hard for a radio show. People always ask what... Sat, 30 Jan 2010 16:40:52 +0100 http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/January-never-ends/4384/ http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/January-never-ends/4384/ Last weekend was awesome, Ashley and I decided to head to London and have a fun weekend. We were both doing Burns poems at a Private London Club as part of their Burns Night celebrations. Ashley ‘gets' Burns and I am not really sure of how to pronounce his work, but she taught me over the week. We flew into London at 8am on Friday morning, both of us exhausted as we don't do mornings well and I hate folk who fight for elbow space on the London tube. Some nasty wee man started pushing his elbow right into my side as he read his paper. Ashley was sitting opposite and glared at him, whilst making silent angry eyes at me, I waited till he got comfy and gave him a proper Glasgow dunt (a big shove) right back. He was startled but gave up trying to stick his arm under my left breast. I felt like turning round and saying "We will need a lubricant if you get any closer to my side boobs" but the dunt did it. He had the cheek to look at me as if I was wrong! Anyway we got to the... Thu, 28 Jan 2010 03:37:47 +0100 http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/London-Weekend-Fun/4383/ http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/London-Weekend-Fun/4383/ On Monday I had to go present myself for jury duty; I tried getting out of it by providing a valid E-Ticket from British Airways which clearly states I am leaving Glasgow this coming Friday. They sent it back by post and told me turn up on Monday and ...maybe just maybe...they will let me off. What I don't understand is- with the sheer amount of unemployed people that we keep reading about in The Daily Mail why do the courts want people who are terminally busy? Do busy people have better judgement? I don't think so, I think if I had better judgement I would not work and lie in bed all day. I am a stupid twat that chose a career; if I was smart I would do piss all and sleep instead of working in an industry that still thinks women aren't quite good enough for the job. Anyway, I dragged myself out of bed at 8am on Monday, thought ‘suppose I better wash my hair, I don't want to turn up looking mental....hang on...maybe looking mental is good?' So, instead of... Wed, 20 Jan 2010 16:57:33 +0100 http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/Happy-Monday/4382/ http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/Happy-Monday/4382/ Have loved the cold weather, so much so I went on ‘STV The Hour' show and declared my love of the snow, it was funny- to me.  I did have a blocked up nose during the broadcast and was sweating slightly. The snow has been a double edged sword in my household. On the one hand, we are all getting cabin fever, on the other we are all talking more and huddling together. Ashley and I are writing together, I have to sit in her room as we do it and I get all distracted by staring at her book collection (why does she have Dirk Bogarde's biography?), the bundles of clothes (are they clean or needing ironed?), why is there make up bottles mixed with bank statements and a basil Panini? (Should I sort them out?) Things come into my head and she shouts "Mum, stop looking at my stuff and bloody focus on what we are writing, we have a deadline!" I am easily distracted. So after all this week of writing, learning a new programme on the laptop and dealing with a... Wed, 13 Jan 2010 21:40:35 +0100 http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/Chill-Out-Time/4381/ http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/Chill-Out-Time/4381/ The fair haired woman at the bus stop cried loudly and turned away as her male friend shouted into her face. He then slapped her loudly across the head with a plastic bag which I assumed must have concealed a bottle, for the crack that she suffered made my teeth grind and crush as I heard the impact. He stood there, his bald head red with anger, his other fist trembling in rage and his face contorted into that of a snarling bull dog. The blonde woman simply moaned and bent over holding her head after the bottle made contact with her scalp. "Leave her alone you crazy freak!" I screamed and stepped between him and the moaning simpering woman. "Don't say anything." - The woman lifted her dazed face towards me, pleading with her frightened eyes. I knew exactly what she was conveying with her eyes. "If you upset him, I get it more" is what she was saying. "If you stand up to him, he will beat me worse in private." Those feelings stirred up old... Thu, 07 Jan 2010 17:36:39 +0100 http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/Safer-World-for-Women/4380/ http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/Safer-World-for-Women/4380/ Yes, it is the end of the year. That time when we look back and think...screw that... I am looking forward! I am NOT looking back to see what I could have done differently, I refuse to mull over old shit and worry about it. I am old enough now to just look ahead! I have just discovered the delights of PS3- Ashley got it for Christmas and I love watching her play, I may even try to do it myself. The last time I played a ‘video' game was at the Weavers Inn pub in the early 90s. It was a space invader game and the sound effects made me nervous, so I am not that great at them but am willing to give it a go. I was watching Ashley create a digital image of herself on the PS3, then she entered this digital city centre and seemed to ‘run' around meeting strange folk who wanted to either fuck her or swap sex files with her, not much different from real life I suppose. Except that smart city scape looked very clean and didn't have dog shit or have drunks vomiting into... Thu, 31 Dec 2009 19:50:08 +0100 http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/Is-it-the-end/4379/ http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/Is-it-the-end/4379/ We are about to go into 2010, how was the last decade for you? Here are the highlights of my last decade. 2000- I watched the Millennium firework display on a balcony overlooking the Thames in London on the eve of the year 2000 with my daughter Ashley, she was the youngest stand up comic in 1999 and was finishing the year by retiring from stand up- she was 13 years old. I was running a comedy club at Mansions Café Bar in Glasgow's West End, it was great fun but it closed suddenly due to non payment of bills or tax problems, whichever is easier to believe. My cousin Sammy died due to infected heroin. 2001- I hopped over to NZ and did the Comedy Festival for the first time. I ran a comedy club in London at The Atlantic Bar, it closed due to the terror attacks in New York on September 11 th , which resulted in a lack of tourists or non payment of bills & tax problems, which ever is easier to believe, you decide. No one died, in my family. ... Mon, 28 Dec 2009 15:32:00 +0100 http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/That-was-the-Decade-that-was/4378/ http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/That-was-the-Decade-that-was/4378/ I don't have a Christmas rush, because I take time to go buy food we want to eat on the ‘big day' and contrary to popular belief, shops DON'T run out of stuff. My problem is having time to organise myself and the work, and the amazing evil deathly snow didn't help. Luckily I was based in Glasgow for most of December, no flapping off to foreign climes for me during the season, just good old Glasgow! Usually husband & I are snugly ensconced in a serviced flat in Leeds, Nottingham or Canada around this time of year as I do my comedy thing, but this year I stayed home and did local gigs. Mainly because my dad is spending his first December as a widower, we lost mum early this year. It has had a devastating effect on him, luckily my dad has an awesome step family who care and love him. I do my bit by turning up, chasing squirrels from his wheelie bin or convincing him that one mouse does not equate an invasion. Sometimes we talk about stuff, or I have to cancel Virgin... Thu, 24 Dec 2009 08:00:40 +0100 http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/This-past-week/4377/ http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/This-past-week/4377/ Just watching the Nativity scene in my local town square, I was struck by how bare it looked. Having given birth myself once, and I do say once because it was so painful and distressing, I never done it again, I was shocked at how serene Mary always looks. Personally I would be thoroughly gutted, that after giving birth to the most important child in all millennia, the only visitors I received were a trio of Kings bringing totally useless gifts, not one women pops in with a hot mug of tea and a couple of pain killing tinctures. It was bad enough for Mary having to go through a painful labour (She was a virgin as well, that stuff would have hurt) amongst straw and some farmyard animals, but to have to entertain guests without as much as a shower first, must have been horrendous. How does she remain that peaceful and happy looking, I personally couldn't sit down for a week and don't even ask me how my boobs felt, as to describe that would involve a flip chart and an over head... Thu, 17 Dec 2009 23:15:28 +0100 http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/Mary-in-the-stable/4376/ http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/Mary-in-the-stable/4376/   Long life energy saving light bulbs are total bollocks. They don't last ten years and they are so dull you have to buy the highest wattage, which still feels like a flickering candle and end up buying another lamp to brighten the room. How is that ‘energy saving'? I now have two lights running to make up for the ONE light I used to have. Apparently if you use the energy bulbs on the ceiling they don't last long with heat reflecting from the ceiling and they are only going to last ten years if you only use them for 3 hours a day, and to make matters worse, if you continually switch them off and on, THAT reduces their lifespan as well! On top of all that, the light gives me a dull thudding headache and I end up with a battery lamp beside my laptop! So, basically I am going through these energy saving bulbs at a rate of 2 a year! My old bulbs lasted longer and I don't know if that's less energy used, but when you work out the carbon... Tue, 15 Dec 2009 08:41:13 +0100 http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/My-Rant/4375/ http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/My-Rant/4375/ I had an awesome wrap party night at the BBC gig, just lovely and my daughter Ashley came along and made me happy. She makes me laugh; she suggested that she buy me a small red duffel coat so that I can run around the river bridges of Glasgow in a ‘Don't Look Now' manner. She says I look like a child from behind but have a wee old wrinkly face at the front. What a nice child I gave birth to eh? Last week I met up with my dad who told me to walk him to the bus stop, he then told me "That bus takes me home" and pointed to a big Glasgow bus. I waved him off then ten minutes later he called me shouting "This is the wrong bus you put me on" "Dad, I never put you on a bus, YOU said it was YOUR bus" I laughed loudly on the phone. "No I didn't its like going to Belsen horror camp on this bus" he muttered. Now before you get all umpity and suggest my dad is anti- Semitic, he isn't, it's a generational... Sat, 12 Dec 2009 03:55:36 +0100 http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/About-Last-Night/4374/ http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/About-Last-Night/4374/ Wee baby Julia is now three years old and is my great niece, she is small, blonde and the perfect Aryan child that Hitler would have shoved on posters of the propaganda type. Her giant blue eyes that peep at you under the white blonde hair are disarming; she is the wee sister of Abi (famous in her mouse killing video on my YouTube site) and just gorgeous. Luckily Julia hasn't started killing small mammals; her favourite thing at my house is to pull down the collection of miniature hedgehogs in my hall and make them all kiss each other on my wooden table. A lot of kissing happens and American type chatter, it's funny that small Scottish kids use a Californian voice when they do ‘play'. American TV has such an effect on children, that annoying nasal voice that inhabit all the cartoon characters eventually come flooding out of the mouths of wee Glaswegians. She asked me to switch on kids TV which I did and I was agog at the adverts for Barbie's who were wearing... Wed, 09 Dec 2009 19:09:09 +0100 http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/Where-do-I-begin/4373/ http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/Where-do-I-begin/4373/   Best Wishes from Janey Godley, her family and the team! Mon, 07 Dec 2009 15:54:43 +0100 http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/Have-A-Merry-Christmas-A-Happy-New-Year/4372/ http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/Have-A-Merry-Christmas-A-Happy-New-Year/4372/ Yes, it truly is December. I know this because everywhere I look is fake snow, bright baubles and scented shopping malls. I do love it though. Husband isn't a big Christmas fan, he has made it clear the tree can go up, but it mustn't get in the way of the flat screen telly and it better not flash too much, as that exacerbates his Aspergers Syndrome. I told him that him talking about the happy Christmas tree exacerbates my hormones and makes me feel like taking him straight to punchy town, he told me such a place didn't exist. I said it was a metaphor - he said he didn't like metaphors - I said "shut up or I will poke your eye with a Christmas bauble" it went on for ages, suffice to say I won and he dragged the tree from the cupboard with an annoyed face. Every year we go through the same crap. I don't want a gift as I don't need anything and I can buy stuff myself. He doesn't want anything as we can never get him what he wants... Fri, 04 Dec 2009 18:57:16 +0100 http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/Is-it-December/4371/ http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/Is-it-December/4371/ Yes, it truly is December. I know this because everywhere I look is fake snow, bright baubles and scented shopping malls. I do love it though. Husband isn't a big Christmas fan, he has made it clear the tree can go up, but it mustn't get in the way of the flat screen telly and it better not flash too much, as that exacerbates his Aspergers Syndrome. I told him that him talking about the happy Christmas tree exacerbates my hormones and makes me feel like taking him straight to punchy town, he told me such a place didn't exist. I said it was a metaphor - he said he didn't like metaphors - I said "shut up or I will poke your eye with a Christmas bauble" it went on for ages, suffice to say I won and he dragged the tree from the cupboard with an annoyed face. Every year we go through the same crap. I don't want a gift as I don't need anything and I can buy stuff myself. He doesn't want anything as we can never get him what he wants (his... Fri, 04 Dec 2009 18:53:28 +0100 http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/Is-it-December/4370/ http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/Is-it-December/4370/ Things are happening in my life that keep making me look back, its not good news. Recently when I was in London it happened. I immediately recalled the first time I went to London to stay with my pal Finlay. It was 1994; I was hardly doing any comedy and was running my pub at the time. Just the sheer excitement of being away from the pub, husband and my child made me giddy with happiness. Soho looked like the most amazing place in the world; the big bright lights of Piccadilly dazzled me like the oik I was back then. It was fantastic to be free from domesticity and just be me and just be with my pals. I recall looking in Time Out magazine and wondering how I could possibly contain my bursting exhilaration at the thought MY NAME one day might be in those listings as a comic at a club, it just made me foam at the mouth. Years later when I wrote articles and was featured in Time Out, I giggled and had a wee heart warming feeling, recalling the Janey who thought that was... Mon, 30 Nov 2009 02:26:10 +0100 http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/Don-t-let-me-look-back-in-anger/4369/ http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/Don-t-let-me-look-back-in-anger/4369/ I haven't had a decent lie in since London. Honestly you would think I had a proper job or something, having to get up early and be places is the very reason I became a comedian. I do nowt! This morning I had to get up and go see the specialist about my ‘bowel' issue suffice to say I am getting a colonoscopy quite soon which I am sure is sexual to a few hard nosed politicians yet evil to me. I have NEVER found excitement in shoving things up my back bottom, seriously -its exit only- and those folk who shove hamsters and lava lamps up theirs need executed or put in a special ward. Ok that might have sounded extreme, but I am having a strange day as a pigeon attacked me as I slept. Here is the story; my bed is beneath my window, so my pillows are basically where your knees would be if you were hanging out of my top floor windows. I like it that way but sometimes I push the windows open full and birds come up under the eaves, spot the gaping window and do a wee peep in.... Tue, 24 Nov 2009 19:39:22 +0100 http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/Mr-Pigeon-go-away/4368/ http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/Mr-Pigeon-go-away/4368/ Late blog - I know. Sorry, I was either really busy or asleep in London. The time just flew past and I didn't quite catch up with myself. And I have been partying a wee bit, I do that in London - I rarely go out in Glasgow and save all the time up and end up staying out at The Groucho Club till 2am, then sleeping in like a fat old dog. My trip here has been really interesting, firstly on arrival in London I decided to call up Gordon Smith who is the boss of the Scottish Football thingy and I applied for the job as Scotland football manager. The fact I called it ‘thingy' should indicate I am not really suited to the job. But the press were touting Sean Connery as the next manager and because I actually live in Scotland, I thought I should be more in the running so to speak. I can order men about, I can actually play football and I am great at strategy, what's not to like? "Do you have a valid coaching license?" Gordon Smith asked. ... Mon, 23 Nov 2009 17:46:00 +0100 http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/Comedy-can-be-hell/4367/ http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/Comedy-can-be-hell/4367/ Dear Janey, you are probably sitting listening to a Donny Osmond LP on your big record player and dreaming of becoming a Mormon, flying off to Utah and marrying the toothy singer…it won’t happen, stop crying and dreaming of Salt lake City and swoony Osmond kisses, he marries his teenage sweetheart and she has all her teeth, you have nine missing.   Oh, by the way, buy a toothbrush, I know you have hardly any cash but seriously that stuff they say about decay is right, a toothbrush is important. By the time you are 40 years old you will have paid £2,000 in veneers and bridge work at a private dentist.   Yes, you will have private health care; I know it’s hard to believe right now.   So, get the record player turned off and start staring at school books. Try harder to understand maths and don’t give up on art or English, you will be good at both in future, just try to understand me when I say you will write, paint and you really need to understand... Fri, 13 Nov 2009 22:01:01 +0100 http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/Note-to-my-teenage-self/4366/ http://www.blogigo.com/janeygodley/Note-to-my-teenage-self/4366/