Have you ever met a woman, stared at her and thought "Surely you know that the make up you have slapped on your face is crazy looking?"
I had one of those moments last month, I went up to the check-in desk at Heathrow airport and as I held my passport over -the girl smiled at me and I stopped all movement and stared at her. She blinked and carried on doing her thing. I stared more.
Her eyelids held me captivated, she was a pale white girl but on her eye lids she had painted the whole lid in an aquamarine metallic glittery paint, now that in itself isn't mental BUT right above her eyelid and right beneath her eyebrow she had drawn a small perfect circle in black and coloured it in metallic shiny aquamarine paint.
It was as if she had gotten a big butterfly face painting done and only wiped off bits of it to come into work at the airport!
I was mesmerised, I have never seen any woman with circles in her eyelids painted shiny green! If you thought that was odd, her mouth was even more scary, she had drawn a big set of lips in pink pencil around her mouth where she wanted her lips to actually be... that's it, she never filled it in with lipstick...she just left a pink drawing of the mouth she really wanted around her own mouth! I worried that she was crazy, but she was talking normal, she even reminded me to get my passport renewed.
I imagined that she fell asleep in the staff room and other airline staff who hated her had just drawn some bright stuff on her face and she was unaware of what she looked like...so I decided to tell her. Yes, I know ...I can hear you scream NO JANEY, but I fucking did tell her.
I leaned over the desk as she tagged my baggage and I said "Did you know you have wee bright green circles on your eyelids and a pink pretend mouth around your lips?"
She stared at me, gasped; she looked panicked and I felt justified now, she pulled a lipstick pouch out of her pocket, flicked it open and stared at the wee mirror.
Her face softened, she glared at me and said "I look fine, that's my make up!"
"Sorry" I murmured.
"That's ok, it's a new style, the lady up in the make up section did this for me, she is a make up artist actually, it's very NOW" she explained with a sympathetic look on her face at me, I must be stupid that I didn't know the latest make up look. I need to learn to draw circles in my eye sockets.
I walked away thinking that either the woman up in the make up section hates beautiful blonde pale girls, or she was having a mental health day OR she was a make up artists for CLOWNS and was working part time in the airport.
I admit I am not fashionable, I never was, and I am not good at make up or clothes. I watch models on the catwalk and I am one of those fuck wits who shouts ‘Why is she dressed like a table cloth has just raped her from behind and who would wear a face mask made of cat fur? Who wears a full length dress made of metal, fish flaps and tree twigs to a party?"
Those designers need a right good kicking, even I know a tree coming out of your head isn't fashion, and I have a deep seated feeling of rage when I spot people clapping a woman dressed as a tree with fish flaps hanging off her skirt, walking down a catwalk to pumping music.
The best fashion show I ever saw was years ago in Parkhead shopping market (real East End Glasgow, the kind of place where people take photos of a poached salmon at a buffet, to prove they actually saw a full fish- I should know as this where I came from!).
This fashion show was just a stage made of upside down crates with a bit of lino over it. I was walking through the market and heard a microphone boom out and I was drawn in to Pikey heaven.
There were wee Glasgow women of all ages and sizes sitting around eating cakes and drinking tea on plastic seats around the ‘stage' and a big fat bloke covered in gold came out and shouted "Ok, ladies get ready for your fashion picks of the week, we have astounding bargains and top models to show it off" The women all clapped and cheered.
This made me sit down and stare, I was in for the week with this one.
A really surly skinny blonde girl came strutting out; she was wearing an acrylic dress in yellow that clung to her legs and thighs as she tried to walk down the lino. She was trying to pull it off her legs but the static made it cling even more she struggled with it.
"Ten quid for your batwing dress in banana, we also have it in fire engine red and baby blue, it's comfortable and goes with any kind of shoes or slippers" shouted the fat bloke on the mic.
I stifled a giggle at the slippers comment; this was comedy gold I was not moving till it was over.
The women round me chatted and gave their opinion on the yellow clingy dress, but being Glaswegian women they decided to loudly discuss the model. They even chatted to her and this annoyed fatty on the microphone.
"Is that comfy Donna-Marie?" one wee wife shouted.
The fat man interrupted "Donna is working and looks very comfy in her yellow dress that's only ten pounds each"
The blonde model stopped sulking and brightly smiled and shouted back to the crowd "Aye, it's fucking great Betty, but it's a bit clingy, ye might need to spray some starch on it to stop it clinging"
Betty- "How is your Chantalle?"
The model smiled again, pulled down the clingy dress and shouted "She is great, that's her started school and that cunt still hasn't paid a days maintenance for her"
This made me nearly piss myself, the man on the mic got extremely annoyed and indicated to Donna-Marie to get off stage. The next model was an even skinnier blonde girl wearing a big fluffy housecoat and pink slippers.
"This is Serenity and she is wearing a mixed fibre housecoat and fluffy slippers, the set comes in at fifteen quid" fat man bellowed out.
I laughed as Serenity just pulled the thing off quickly, she stood there in her knickers and bra and shouted "that's really itchy, I cant wear that Tam" The women all laughed, it was awesome, no one was selling over expensive shite that wasn't even real clothes, it was cheap shit that people liked. That the kind of fashion show I love...and I hope it is still going strong up in the Parkhead Market.