I spent the whole night writing stuff that meant nothing on my blog, and the real truth is I felt quite down today. I don’t really know why, I had one of those days when I ended up reflecting on my life a bit for no reason and then felt a bit down.
I don’t know how that happens, but it does I am sure.
I know I should be happy as I have so much to loom ahead to, like going to NZ with my daughter to what looks like a fun successful tour and then I get to go to London to perform at Soho theatre and then I go to Edinburgh Fringe with my adorable daughter Ashley and before all that I get to dress up nice and go to BAFTA TV awards…but somehow I felt flat.
I suppose part of me is worried I wont miss my husband when I go to NZ.
I know that’s sounds odd and am hoping he sticks to his rule that he never reads this blog; coz I think what I will say will hurt him.
I have spent an entire lifetime with him, since I was 18 to be precise and way back then I was besotted with him as all young brides are. I would lie awake to watch him sleep; I lay there in the darkness and would kiss his face gently.
After I wrote my autobiography I know that I exposed our very turbulent and difficult marriage to the world, he never read it. He promised he wouldn’t and I am glad, but after all the press and radio stuff I did, he heard plenty to know that I had told our innermost problems to the listener ship of BBC Radio 4 and possibly the world.
So anyway, in the past ten years of doing comedy I have been away so much that I no longer miss him as much as any wife has the right or at least decency to do. It scares me.
I know that any relationship involves compromise, but when you compromise yourself too much, you end up infringing on your own personality and values, its like cutting up your own nation and adopting a new language and trading with a hostile country. Some of it is worthwhile but some of it makes you want to throw out the illegal immigrant values and become racist….well racist against HIM.
The last four years he has become a whole new man, the man I wanted in 1986, not necessarily the man I need in 2006…so where does that leave me?
I have managed to change or at least help manipulate a bastard into a decent bloke and now I am not sure if that’s what I want.
I sometimes look in the mirror and don’t know who is staring back….have you ever done that? Not recognised the person you see? That’s what I do.
So today I walked around town, all of these thoughts milling around my wee head and I worry that I have compromised too much and have ended up with someone I am not sure of and have a person inside of me that I don’t know.
So I am not sure who I am today, maybe tomorrow I will know me….but tonight…I am a stranger.