So tonight for the first time, Glasgow Jongleurs was NO smoking…!
I have stopped so it was easy for me (well so far...one day stoppage does not an expert make).
Anyway the crowd were lovely and laughed along fine until I mentioned my funny exchange with Owl Man, for those who have read that blog from last week; Owl Man was the bloke who was stood outside a shopping centre with his collection of woodland owls and birds of prey.
I was telling the audience how he was marching around with a big leather gauntlet on shouting “Does anyone want to stroke a hawk” the absurdity of this situation made me piss myself laughing, so I told the audience and one crowd screamed and pointed to this man sitting at the end of their table, one woman shouted “Its him, he is owl man”
I stopped in mid sentence and asked him “Are you that strange man with the owls and collection of woodland birds”
“Yes” He replied…Owl man was in the house!
“How many birds do you have” I asked him as the audience all stared at him.
“30 owls and fourteen various birds of prey” He smartly and proudly answered.
“Ok, don’t you think you should just let them all go free?” I asked as the audience cheered.
“No, they are all hand raised” He replied.
“Yes, but not by fucking accident, you bred wee owls and birds and keep them tethered to posts” I got annoyed.
“They are entertainers!” he answered.
“Just because something is nailed to a bit of wood doesn’t make it entertainment, Terry Waite the hostage who was tied to a radiator wasn’t an entertainer, Jesus was nailed to a cross but no one shouted up to him ‘Hey Jesus do that funny dance you normally do’ did they? Come on let them all go free” I laughed.
“Well, it is good to let inner city kids see Owls and Hawks, they may have never seen an owl or hawk” he argued.
“Listen mate I know inner city kids who have never seen balsamic vinegar or avocados, but I don’t stand outside shopping malls shoving them into their faces” I added.
The audience was laughing, the guy was laughing I wasn’t being as argumentative as this blog suggests, then it came to me and I stopped and laughed and asked him seriously “Listen mate, imagine you were having the most amazing blow job and right at the perfect moment your phone rang and someone shouted down the line ‘Keith, there has been a eagle spotted at the end of your street sitting beside a dead cat, go quick and get it’ would you jump out of the bed and run after an eagle with your professional bird catching equipment or would you sit back and enjoy the blow job” The whole crowd laughed loudly as Owl man debated this….
I even got the whole crowd to go ‘Whoo whoo’ like an owl and asked him if it made him horny…honestly it was so funny-can you believe I met owl man?
So tonight I have stopped smoking for one whole day and it feels so good, no numb limbs, no ear pain and that fucking smoking ban will never annoy me!