Janey Godley's Blog

Went into the post office yesterday, I needed to post a DVD of my show to some TV dude, so I thought the big flagship Post Office was best in town. I walked around and around looking for those padded envelopes that the DVD can fit into perfectly. The place was so busy and I had to weave in and out of people who were in the long snake like queue. I could not find the envelopes anywhere…then I noticed they had SOLD OUT of all the posting wrap and packaging, but they now sell hairdryers and kettles IN A FUCKING POST OFFICE? For the love of God …why? How was I supposed to wrap up my DVD? In a kettle and post it? The day didn’t get any better, I was walking through Boots chemist shop when I recognised this older woman, I could not think where I knew her from, then it struck me, she was a good friend of my Uncle who abused me. She was in court as support in 1996 when I took my Uncle to court for sexually abusing me; she stopped when she saw me and spoke straight at me. “Hello Janey” She spoke, I smiled and said hello back, she then launched into a tirade of abuse and accusations at me “By the way, I bought your book, and all that stuff is lies, your poor Uncle could not walk the streets because of your lying shit that you fucking cunt bustards told everyone” I stood there watching her mesmerised, her mouth moved really quickly and she kept threatening to walk away, but stepped back to deliver another piece of abuse, her shopping was cascading in fan-like circles around her legs as she swung back and forth and that was amazing, it was like an angry swirly dance involving shopping and handbags’! “You are a fucking, lying cow, and shit lying bastard that made that poor man really sad, we all know he never abused you, we all know that you fucking bitch lying cunt” I stood there watching her wee smoke pinched mouth jabber quickly, I was impressed by the amount of swear words she packed in and the bag dance was poetic, but to be honest I wasn’t catching the smaller words, I forgot how slang people talk and I am NOT posh…but it was a real thick East End Mud-like accent. I looked at her when she stopped to breathe and I said “Thanks for buying my book, I am sorry I don’t really understand everything you are saying, but good on you for trying, and if my Uncle was worried about walking the streets, then good, he was paedophile who deserved everything he got. I am sorry I need to go I want to spend that £15 I made on you buying my book” So there we have it, I managed to post my DVD, I looked at Kettles in the Post Office and I had a paedophile fight beside the lip-gloss counter in Boots.

Yes he was and I missed him! Fucking hell -for the love of God what is wrong with me? How could I miss him?

Well on Saturday I was in Liverpool working and last night I was at BBC Scotland helping out at a pilot show.

Why couldn’t Donny come knocking at my door though? I mean Mormons are never away from my door any other week, but the one fucking Mormon I want at my door failed to arrive, I cannot believe that I missed him, I never even stalked out the hotel he was at, and I would have… trust me. I love him, but I forgot he was here in all my busy life-ness.

 

I am so annoyed. I have met so many celebs at my local hotel, as I used to be a member of the gym there at the Hilton Glasgow. I shared a sauna with the entire pop sensation East 17 (Yeah I know how rock and roll am I?); I had tea and a quick smoke one day with Jude Law, Ewan McGregor and Jonny Lee Miller and have sat and chatted with Billy Connolly! But NO DONNY!

 

Life goes on and I am sure Donny will regret not seeing me.

 

Went for a walk into town today to get banking and stuff done, I quickly just put up my hair in a pony, pulled on a pair of cropped trousers that are way too faded and grubby for fashion and wrapped myself up in husbands oldest jacket and when I caught sight of myself in a shop window, I looked like a fucking homeless pikie that needs a good scrub up. I really need to take time to asses my look before I leave the house in future. I saw other women my age. They were all dressed up in lovely clothes, full make up and coiffed hair! What is wrong with me lately? I am old and lazy is the answer, no wonder Donny Osmond doesn’t love me.

 

The good news is, I bought a good hair masque and new make-up, so tomorrow I will emerge from this flat looking like something from Desperate Housewives, but without the baking, gardening and fucking pool cleaners. I intend to be sexy and lickable.

 

I was supposed to be in London tomorrow for a meeting with a TV company but they have moved the meeting to December, so I am going to spend that time, plucking, shaving, waxing (I need all of those things to get all of the hair out of my entirely hairy body). Then I am going to get my hair cut (again with the hair thing), then I will have a facial (must make sure moustache is gone, again with the hair thing) and then I will cut my toenails and paint them. I am going to be sexy and sleek and hair free.

 

The good news is, despite being a fat, hairy and a decidedly spotty blur, husband still finds me sexy, or maybe he is at the age where anything with oestrogen gets him going. Fuck I never actually thought of that…shit...I need to look better soon.

 

 

Just realised that it is one year ago today that I was in that TV show on E4/C4 Kings of Comedy, so I called Mick Miller (one of the lovelier contestants and fellow comics on the show) and had a quick word with him. I have to say that Mick Miller is a great comic and wonderful human being, I did have some issues on the show with some of the other comics-but never with him, he is adorable and very very funny.

 

So a year on and I am still smiling at the memories of the whole experience, I have to say that the best part of the show was the fee…!

Sorry about being late, I have been working away and had no PC to work on. Firstly I went to Galashields, it was a dark car journey (which I hate even though I don’t drive!), Alan Anderson drove me there and I was a nervous passenger, silly me as he is a good driver. Anyway, the gig was fun and with being a smaller audience I got to do a more intimate gig which I love.

 

On the way home through those dark fields, occasionally the head lights would illuminate the eyes of a big scary bull hanging over the fence of some farm and totally freak me out, what the fuck are they watching for and how scary are those big bastards in the dark?

I had to pack quickly for Thursday as I was off to Liverpool to do the weekend as a last minute booking, seems someone let them down and I was the stand in.

 

I do love Liverpool, but having no accommodation booked and going last minute always worries me, as I hate the disorganisation of trying to get a hotel on spec.

 

We were lucky and managed to get into the Adelphi Hotel smack bang in the town centre. Husband and I settled in and rushed off to the gig at Baby Blue. The crowd was slightly indifferent and despite the MC trying hard to get on their side, they sat all nonchalantly waiting for the comic to come on.

 

Well I had the ropiest gig in years, I was so worried throughout the set as NOTHING was endearing me to them and I left the stage feeling very shitty. It has been ages since I had such a shit gig; husband said I was harder on myself than I should have been as it was not as bad I thought. I hate not doing the very best I can do and felt low going back to the hotel.

 

Next night I was on at the Sports Café, which is the new gig for the Laughter House people and it is AMAZING! The set up is genius and I had a STORMING gig there and came off elated but very nervous as I had to go back to Bar Blue for my second night of comedy/hate.

Luckily the crowd was really warm and up for it, I had a really good gig and got to really interact with the crowd which I love and came off on a high. Thank God.

 

So I am back in Glasgow and getting ready to go up to BBC Scotland to take part in the Craig Hill Pilot show, I will be a bona fide guest in the coming weeks but tonight is the dry run so to speak.

I love Craig Hill; he is the warmest, loveliest and most generous person to come out of Scottish comedy. His style may not be everyone’s cup of tea, but I have NEVER heard him sit backstage and bitch about anyone, and that’s fucking rare trust me.

 

I am looking forward to taking part in the Funny Women tour that comes to the Stand in Glasgow, it will be nice to perform there and the details are on my gig page if you are interested.

 

I am off to write up my October newsletter and its two days late, so husband is annoyed at my shit time keeping!