Janey Godley's Blog

Jul 31, 2005 at 21:28 o\clock

Tits out in the Woods!

So I woke up and husband says “Why don’t we go for a long walk in the woods?” I thought to myself ‘Yes so you can kill me and bury deep, deep in the undergrowth since I have been nothing but a bitch since stopping smoking ‘

“It will be lovely and then we can go for lunch” He added.


So there we were, half way up the 5 mile hike at Arrochar. It’s called the Cats Coil walk, the hills were killers to my sore knee and immediately I realised this climb was a mistake.

My legs ached and we had only started! The sun came out and started burning us both and I was wearing heavy jeans.

I improvised, I took off my jeans and bared my fat ass to the rock face as I tied my ‘Hoodie’ around my waist and zipped it up then wrapped it again to look like a short skirt, at least it was cooler and I now have an idea to give the government about ‘How to use a Hoodie in different ways to suit your climate’ as they are banning Hoodie wearers from town centre’s. All those nasty kids can tie them around their waists!


As we started to wilt in the heat, I decided to take off my top and walk in my bra. There was no one near us and deep deep in the woods we were unlikely to stumble on a Church group.

There I was marching in my lovely black ( so love that colour) bra, then I decided to go one step further and take off my bra and walk in my short tied up skirt and just go TOPLESS!


It was EXHILERATING!! I am not an exhibitionist that way although I would set fire to my leg at a bus stop to get attention….but not naked!

My breasts felt so cool and walking was an amazing sensation doing it naked! Husband just smiled and said “Don’t worry if anyone comes in sight I will let you know”


I replied “I can see- you know, just because I have no top on does not mean I have suddenly went blind”


We both laughed and he told me I had nice boobs.

“Thanks, the rabbits and small furry animals think so as well” I added.

I felt the show was now over and time to cover up.

I pulled on my top and decided to walk faster to help build up muscle and strength in my sore knee (injury from years ago).


In the middle of the peaceful woods overlooking Loch Long I took a phone call from BBC to discuss a show I am on tonight. They want me to talk about child abuse (I am a survivor) and I kinda felt that my chat about abuse sullied the beauty of the place….my naked tits didn’t though!


It was a good day and I even managed not to shout and snap at husband.

He did suggest I take a picture of me topless in the woods for the blog, but I think that will take the whole thing into a territory that will be scary and slightly psycho sexual!


Tune into tonight Sunday BBC radio 5 live at 10pm if you wanna catch the show.

Jul 29, 2005 at 23:52 o\clock

Black dog

I have stopped smoking again…I know what you are saying…when did you start again? Well I started smoking again since June when I was doing the play.

Husband was bitterly disappointed with me and I cannot even begin to tell you how bad I felt when talking to my father.

Never mind, I am OFF the fags again…in time for the Fringe!


I had fun yesterday when my mate Jay Gaban (an old pal) took me to visit an elderly couple who knew my mammy when she was younger and they knew the man who was her boyfriend and eventual murderer.

The couple Bill and Betsy had a big black dog called ‘darkie’ ( I kid you not) and the only way I could get into a conversation with them without the big dog BARKING loudly was to pat it’s old fat ass…It was getting all odd and horny but I had to keep patting it’s hind quarters as it groaned and moaned in ‘doggy horny’ language, the minute I stopped ‘courting it and patting it’s ass’ the dog barked over the man’s very interesting conversation.

Bill knew Peter Greenshields (my mother’s murderer and boyfriend) very well and told me that Greenshields had actually admitted to killing another woman called ‘Manchester Mary’ in Glasgow back in 1950’s. This intrigued me and if there is anyone out there who knows anything about this let me know?

So I had a sore hand stroking an old dog but got loads of perspective on the man who killed my mum and that was worth it.


I am tired again for no real reason and this is worrying me. I seem to be tired during the day and ratty to everyone…maybe that’s just me being a woman in her 40’s?


Who knows?

Jul 27, 2005 at 23:37 o\clock

Posters and Edinburgh

Well Ashley (my daughter) went through to Edinburgh to put up 'Janey Godley is Innocent' (name of my show) posters. They are just plain A4 sheets with black writing on...no explanation, just the words!

It's a teaser campaign that she is working on. My real posters and flyers are being delivered to the Underbelly this week. She had a chat with some journalists and had an look at the venue and checked my books had arrived from Random and are safely put away until the show opens on 4th August at Underbelly.

She was giving out small flyers with 'Janey Godley is Innocent'  written on them, she was standing outside the Scottish Parliament building ...then thought better of it as she had on a backpack and has a fake tan and was scared she would be shot!!

I meanwhile sat at home and found 35 things to argue with my husband about, there seems to be a glut of stuff from our past that still has some mileage in it and so I picked a fight that harked back to an incident in 1987...it was very interesting as I never won the argument back in the 80's but I did today.

Tomorrow we will be fighting about 1979, Blondie were number one, Thatcher had just come to power and UK had bin strikes...see how good my memory is?

I did TV show with BBC Scotland and it was great fun, it will be broadcast later on in the year. I have been taking bookings for other shows I will be doing during Fringe, like the late night ghost story show at the Pleasance and the Funny Women show and a few others including Equity workshops.

I am excited about the Fringe and I have good pre-sales tickets to look forward to!

Hope some of the bloggers will come along, maybe we can have a special BLOG NIGHT?

Jul 26, 2005 at 20:52 o\clock

Sex noises at 3am NOT ME!

Finally after getting to sleep and trying to mentally rake through my brain to make sure NO nightmarish ideas have been lodged ....I lie there and get disturbed by loud

"Aaah, aaah YES YES!" coming from my car park.

My bed is directly beneath my window and my window is open. I start to think maybe someone is being beaten in the back yard or maybe some evil seagull is doing a late night Aria? Then it slowly dawns on me it's someone or some people having sex...are they in the car park? Tucked behind my new car?

I lean up and stare out of my window...half hoping NOT to catch them but strangely seeking where they can be. My back yard/car park is built on a 'Coliseum' type set up, a huge circle of flats that are tall and the entire estate make a complete O, so any noise is immediately thrown up and echoed round the area.

There is no one there, then I see a bedroom window flung wide open, therefore the noise coming from that flat will bounce and the acoustics will carry it loudly round the houses! I am now secretly worried that....

a) I don’t make too much noise

b) My window has been open in the past

c) Why are they STILL having sex after half an hour?

Anyway I make a mental note to shut my mouth and my window in ALL bedroom activities...still the noise continues...it sounds like some fucker is beating a gull to death OR some dude has PORN up very loud at his window?

The past noise from my bedroom would probably only be ME shouting, arguing and getting on everyone's nerves.

Me-"Turn that fucking radio off"

Me-"Give me the fucking duvet ya fuckwit"

Me-"Stop snoring or I will hit your eye with a toffee hammer"

That's all you would actually hear from me. Talking about snoring, I read in an old magazine that OLD people read (it was in the doctors surgery) it said a good cure for snoring is to sew a solid WOODEN COTTON REEL into your husband's pyjama's and he would never lie on his back again...

NO because that would twist his spine and give him a fucking stroke...OLD people are cruel...a COTTON REEL???..sewed into your JIM JAMS??? wot is wrong with elbowing him in the ribs?

I am off to eat dinner, no more eating straight from the pot, no more eating half naked at the TV table. Husband is home, I must go dress in taffeta, white gloves, and a full underskirt as I sip Sherry and set the table with a linen table cloth and polished cutlery...I hate being posh.

Jul 25, 2005 at 18:51 o\clock

BT are bastards

My landline is not yet connected to broad band in fact it's fucking broke...yes I called BT (Welcome back to BT their slogan says-fuck off-I say) they tell me through a talking robot that there is a fault on the line but if I want to go online to email them I can!


I sat there screaming at my phone and get told by TXT that an engineer will call at my home Wednesday.

Nine minutes later BT were at my buzzer (was it BT? I ask my paranoid self? How quick was that? Was it the M15 after all my fights at Millbank and very public humiliation of the government in my set and the countless times I shout Al'Q'eda on the phone...suddnely felt like Mel Gibson in conspiracy theory)

So BT man comes up to my home and starts ripped phones and line apart.

me-"Are you M15 and here to bug my home?"

BTman-"No I am here to fix your phone, you have watched too many movies"

me-"Ok whatever, please get my phoneline to work then"

Of course he couldnt as there is a problem with 'software' back at the BT head quarters or some shit like that.

So I am internet less again and now phoneless.

Bastards...I am off to buy two cans and some string.

Will talk tomorrow, if I dont then send a search party for me, I have a bit of a tan and run in tube stations often, whilst acting weird. I may get shot in the head, although I am still too white to be a threat, thank fuck for factor 25 suntan cream...it saved my life.

Jul 24, 2005 at 17:17 o\clock

Cool City!


I do love Glasgow! My husband and daughter are in Amsterdam for five days (she is having a pre-University holiday with her dad) and it's great being at home alone...I never get to do this- normally i am alone elsewhere in the world...but i now lie on my huge sofa, eat ice cream at midnight, watch MY televison (not interrupted by HIS constant channel flicking), I get to eat my kind of food.

Get this -I made cheesy pasta and added chicken breast to it, and mushrooms...CHEESE and CHICKEN...I ate it out of a POT...no table cloth and polished cutlery for me..I ate at the small table (Husband will kill me for this) with a big pot on the surface and chomped into my strange meal. It was great, and I read a full book in one sitting!

I sleep until 3pm and walk about half naked eating ice cream!

Today i will need to clean the whole house and get washing hung up, clean pots and discard ice cream cartons.

Went up to my local pub yesterday 'Oran Mor' and was surprised to see the famous David Walliams from Little Britain and Gweynth Paltrow, Fran healy from Travis...then realised that Simon Pegg was having his wedding there, his lovely wife is Scottish and they had the full bagpipe and tartan affair!


Went straight to my gig at Blackfriars and as usual the mic broke..the audience were lovely though and it was a good night. I tried out some of my new stuff for the fringe and it all went well.

Husband is back today and I am off to do some spring cleaning.

The UK is still reeling at the fact the poor bloke they shot five times in the head is innocent but was acting weird...

Fucksake if acting weird is a shootable offence then everyone I know will be dead by next week.

If that is the 'Intelligence' of our Intelligence people then hopefully they will recruit my crazy brother MIJ, he has more intelligence than our authorities and he talks to worms.

RIP poor Brazilian boy...thoughts are with your family.

Jul 21, 2005 at 23:16 o\clock

Colourblind politics


I am so exhausted with bad dreams…when does this stop?


Get this…I dreamt I was in Hell last night, a really scary dark eerie place, if felt so frightening and to make it worse I was convinced I was Dame Judy Dench! Fucking hell even my nightmares have to be theatrical!!


I have no idea what goes on in my head. Life is ok just now, though due to the extremely large amount of electricity I carry in my body, I have blown two lights, an iron and the fucking hoover in one day and to top it all I have crashed the PC twice. I am sure the coverplan people think I am possessed by the devil.


I called coverplan (the PC warranty people) and the wee lovely Asian man on the line told me to tip up my ‘tower’ that sits on the floor that holds my hard drive and to pull all the plugs out of the back.

So whilst on the phone I do this…there is a mild sense of alarm creeping over me as I realise I will be fucked trying to remember where to put them all back in.


No worries Ahmed tells me on the line, it’s all colour co-ordinated.


“Really” I laugh “That’s a fucker coz I am colour blind” I add.


I am colour blind, this is true.


Trying to put all those fucked up wires back in was a nightmare.


“Pink” he shouts at me “Pink goes into pink hole”

“I can’t tell the difference…I am not sure if this is pink or purple” I scream at him.


I go off to get a pink top that I wear in my photo shots as I know that is pink and I have to drag it up to the PC tower and hold the wire beside it to remind my brain what pink is.


“What are you doing?” He sounds concerned.

“I am holding my pink jumper against the wire to see if it is pink” I add sarcastically “Coz I don’t know if that is PINK”


We spend an hour trying to put the plugs back…there is fucking light purpley coloured ones..greeny yellow looking ones and a variety of ‘dark’ ones…I am so fucked you have no idea.


Eventually I get them all in and my works. At last.

I am also having hair problems, those who know me will recall my never ending fight with my ‘badger-trap’ hair.


I have thick coarse dark/grey (when it feels like it) bushy lets-go-anywhere-we-want-to hair and it drives me mad. I am now growing out my fringe and have to clip it up with a clasp and I truly now look like a mental patient, this will last for about three weeks until my fringe grows long enough to hang down the side of my face.


Husband laughed last night when he say the clip in my hair and then was slightly alarmed when I refused to take it out when we went over to the local for a beer.


“You should take that mad clip out of your head” He said as I walked downstairs.


“Then my hair covers my eyes and I wont see anything and then get hit by a car crossing the road” I sniggered.


He looked at me oddly and accepted he now has a wife with a big clip in her head.


Life is strange, watched the news today as more ‘devices’ blew up in London, who knows where it will all end?


One thing I know for sure, this country is at war and a war that the majority did not want to happen.


I hate Tony Blair and stand by my constant decision to never elect him….yet the country did ….AGAIN!

I off to blow a light bulb in the toilet.

Jul 20, 2005 at 21:52 o\clock

Sex and baked goods

I do seriously wonder if about men. Is it every time they have sex and sperm leaves their body; do they need to immediately fill that gap with baked goods?


I am not joking here, husband leapt out of our bed at 4am… (It was a late night session…when does he slow down? I am getting very old…to old for all this late night exercise) and ran to the kitchen to eat ham toasties. Oh God. I hope my step mum is NOT reading this…she will really stab me with a knitting needle for discussing sex again. Maybe she has a point.


I love his ham toasties, but then I soon fell asleep into the Village of the Damned dream. I was right grumpy cow this morning, having dealt with burnt bodies, dead babies and blood all night in my nightmares -what do you expect?


I need to get my intelligent head on, I have so much to organise this week.

I am being filmed on BBC next week, I need to organise books to be sold at Underbelly venue throughout Fringe, need to finalise details for flat in Edinburgh, get posters and flyers printed, all monies owed to me brought in and fuck knows what else to be honest….my brain is dead.


Got told I had upset some members of my in law’s family and other people mentioned in the book, makes me feel odd and truly upset as I know the book was very intrusive of people’s lives, but I had to tell the truth as I saw it. So I am sorry to those who read this and then tell others what it said. It’s like apologising by proxy!


I know that ‘Someone connected to my husbands family ’ reads this BLOG and then tells ‘someone’ and they tell ‘someone’ else and the family (my husbands’ family) then get told…I mean fuck sake guys just get the net and stop the Chinese whispers, read the book and the BLOG first hand, that’s how rumours start!


So there we have it, maybe I should have written my book from all of their perspectives….can you imagine? Seven versions of one story? That would be like the Bible! Even it has discrepancies in it!


Life goes on and I am sure I do believe in what goes around comes around…


I went shopping with Ashley today as she needed three skirts.


We actually bought

4 skirts

3 pairs of trousers

4 tops

1 jacket

2 pairs of socks


My Visa bill will be hard to face…..oh have you had that fake email from PAYPAL? I did….

It explains how you paid £1,400 for two maxi Vibrators and it will be charged to your PAYPAL account. Well I quickly called VISA and they told me straight off it was a hoax…Shit, I really was looking forward to getting my Double Delight Maxi petrol powered turbo vibrator…at least it doesn’t need baked goods after a session. (Sorry Mum)

Jul 19, 2005 at 23:48 o\clock

The Birds.

So I finally get to the airport and Heathrow is heaving with holiday makers. I HATE that! I am a moany cow and a half at times.

Anyway I do automatic check in with BA and proceed straight to ‘Fast Bag Drop’ as instructed.


There is a big queue at the regular check in desk but ‘Fast Bag Drop’ is empty.

I breeze up to the nice lady and as I drag my bag full of shoes and clothes yet again unworn (why do I wear the same old gear over and over?) I hear a big Asian man shout “Someone should tell her there is a big queue”

I turn and look at him pointing at me, yet he still can’t confront me.


Me-“Why don’t you grow some balls and say what you want straight to me then?” I shout back at him as I pass over my boarding card to check in my bag.


Asian man (Now annoyed) - “You have jumped the queue”


Me-“No I haven’t and the next time you decide to complain make sure you know you are right or you will look an ass for shouting at women, have you no respect? This is the fast bag drop that I was told to go to by that big British Airways man (I pointed to a ground staff member who put me in this queue) and stop shouting at me and pointing at me or I will get security to stop you”


My Check in lady-“This woman is right, have you already checked in at the automated machine Sir?, if not then stay in that queue as indicated, stop distracting my customer when I am trying to ask serious security questions please”


By now the queue behind him, who were once on his side three seconds ago, were now distancing themselves from ‘his’ embarrassing mistake!

I smiled at him, well sniggered actually, he saw this and started shouting at me and called me a ‘Whore!’

At this the security men came over and took him out of the queue!

Lovely day at the airport!


I finally arrived in Glasgow and went outside for a coffee and a cookie. As soon as I sat down I called my mate, and as soon as I unwrapped my cookie…SEVENTEEN wee aggressive Glasgow Sparrows came hopping onto my table and tried to peck me and my cookie…it was like a fucking Hitchcock scene I kid you not!


I literally could not hear my mate for the noise the birds were making…they were screeching and chirruping at me so loudly I screamed at them…nothing would deter them! They were so cocky!


My pal asked me if I had decided to call him from the Amazon rainforest as he too could hear the ‘BIRDS’ cheeping in the background!


My mate-“Where the fuck are you? On a David Attenborough show?”


Me-“I am swamped by angry wee birds trying to get my cake…FUCK OFF YA WEE FUCKER!” was all he could hear me say.


People were walking past laughing at the lone woman and her angry bird collection, a Policeman went past and I asked him to bludgeon them with his truncheon but he smiled and said “They are only wee birds, don’t be so nasty”


“If you find me here with my eyes pecked out in ten minutes, it’s your fault” I screamed at him. The wee brown, grey fluffy fuckers gathered around my ankles, some hopping dangerously close to my hand as I broke my cake with shaky fingers, so I pulled out a box of matches I had in my bag and lit three like a small torch and waved it at them.


People were now watching a crazy haired woman trying to burn small birds….Honestly I looked like a nutter. I stuffed the cake into my mouth, the birds fled and immediately there was silence. Gone…all of them…no cake to peck and I was left sitting with a mouth full of cake and three burnt matches swearing at nothing.


Welcome to Glasgow Janey…

Jul 18, 2005 at 21:51 o\clock

Fringe show

Well that’s the previews over and I learned so much from them it was so worthwhile doing. I now have a good idea of what i am taking to Edinburgh this year.


I am back at the flat after having spent the day with Monica, she made a great lunch and we had a good walk round Chelsea. I am so exhausted, but happy.


I am also looking forward to seeing some good shows at Edinburgh including my mate Noel Faulkener's show, he is a great writer/performer and I can’t wait to be entertained by him.


Nothing exciting happened today that I can entertain you guys with to be honest...so I may make up a story about a talking cat...or maybe not as the case may be!


Although I was chatted up today by a twelve year old boy and his two mates on big BMX bikes near the flats here, well I say chatted up... they blocked my path on the quiet street and said -


"Hey old woman show us yer fanny"


So I laughed and threw my head back and said "Fuck off ya wee prick or I'll burn you" and then threatened to belt him hard with my family sized bottle of Pepsi in a plastic bag.


They moved so fast, despite being on clumsy big bikes, they swivelled around and pedalled off into the sunset.


Good...I love bullies...bring 'em on!


Little fuckers...I may live here in the posh part but I am an East Ender and I can still have 'em.


Talk tomorrow!


Jul 17, 2005 at 20:30 o\clock

Sleepless in Westminster

I cannot seem to sleep well, this flat is amazing though...two bedrooms, ensuite toilets and power showers deluxe and I lie in that big bed and stare at the ceiling...I even have air con, yet I cannot rest well. Driving me mad, all my dreams are surreal and weird. I keep dreaming I lie there and talk to my husband and it seems so very real. I went for a good walk yesterday all around this area, and it's so lovely. The Houses of Parliament are behind my garden and the river walk is just amazing. I walked round the square where all the protestors stay, living there beneath the banners they have erected in protest to our elected Governement and it seems a law is being passed to move them away as there will be no protestors allowed within a certain boundary of the Houses of Parliament, so that the MP and the PM can sit safely in the 'Big House' secure in the knowledge that when they pass that square they dont have to look into the eyes of the defiance of the people....such shit I say. What a fucking blatant disregard to our freedom of speech. What is wrong with the 'chosen few' (who we must never chose again I say) are they too scared to see the gentle, yet powerful and peaceful words that challenge them? Do we live in state where we cannot talk about what we believe in? I may just rip off one of these expensive Egyptian cotton sheets off the bed here and write up FREEDOM OF SPEECH FOR ALL on it and set up camp in the square. Or maybe I will not bother as I am scared beasties that live in the grass or worse...RATS will come and live on me....I am good at the talking but worried about the long haul involved...so I applaud the bravery of those people who stand up for themselves in that square near Parliament and urge you all to support their right to freedom of speech. It's our rights too that are being affected. See what happened you put me near a government building and I get all political! I am getting ready for my preview show tonight at Richmond and I think I am better prepared than Friday's show. It's exciting to have a whole new HOUR to take to Edinburgh! Roll on August!