Loup and Agneau.
There's this story that not too many people know about. A few of the lucky ones are conscious to the tale of the boy and the girl, Loup and Agneau. If you would like, I can tell you this story as I remember it, but you have to promise not to interrupt me as I speak. Merely sit and listen. Too many interruptions and you'll lose the significance of the tale of Loup and Agneau. Of what it means to everyone. Of what it means to me.
There was a boy, named Loup. And a girl, named Agneau. Two separate creatures in their own worlds, thousands of miles apart, unaware of one another's existence until one day when Agneau stumbled upon Loup's abode and invaded in the most unsubtle of ways. Loup instantly noticed Agneau's presence, and as horribly cliché as it may sound, they both knew that life would never be the same.
So they talked. Eight days after they met, Loup told Agneau that he was in love with her. Madly so. He couldn't explain how he was feeling, but knew that in his short twenty-two years he had never known any emotion like it. Or perhaps that was simply what he wanted her to believe. Either way, little seventeen year old Agneau was swept off of her feet and found herself enveloped in a suffocating blanket of young, budding love.
Sweet, isn't it.
The weeks went on. No real fights, maybe just a few squibbles here and there. Loup and Agneau were so much alike it was almost eerie, and each knew precisely what to do to get on one another's last nerve. Each was a bona fide pain in the ass for the other, Loup with his short temper and Agneau with her neediness and each with their rather surprising level of possessiveness. But both were convinced that it was all worth it because, as you know, they were in love.
Fast forward about five months into their relationship. Loup is having some issues. Because they live so far apart, he can't have her like he wants. His innate sexual deviant is ripping at the seams and screaming in his ear. He knows that she's beautiful, she's gorgeous, his little Agneau, but she's just so bloody far away. So he finds an outlet, a boy in one of his classes--psychology, I think. A heroin junkie, but Loup doesn't care. Not really. All he wants is the sex. Loup fucks this other boy, and it drives him insane. He is overwhelmed with this sickening sense of guilt. And he hates it. He can't fucking stand it. Loup hates how Agneau is all he can ever think about. He has dreams about her almost every night, some pleasing some not. He thinks that he sees her dark curly hair and caramel skin wherever he goes. Every girl looks like Agneau. And no matter how hard he tries to forget about her when he is seducing another, he can't. She is his world.
Loup breaks up with Agneau, telling her in so many words that she's too good for him, and that he's in no position to be dating an angel. He claims that she is a kinky, sadistic bitch and from day one she's had his heart. He has a tattoo of her name on his arm, right above the elbow. She's furious and tells him that he was stupid for getting the tattoo if that's what he's going to do to her.
He merely says that it's a permanent reminder of someone very special. She's mad, but somehow she doesn't care that Loup, who never lies to Agneau, has slept with another person. She just wants him to be happy, which he obviously isn't, and tells him that they'll work through this. They'll fix it.
"How is it that you can make me smile when I want to die?" he asks.
They don't talk for a week.
One night, Loup goes out with his friends. One of them has Loup's one true love: meth. Four years ago he kicked the habit. Long before he knew Agneau. He was sure that he could resist. But he was miserable. Killing himself every single day. He needed it. He wanted it more than anything else in the world.
One bump.
Two bumps.
Three bumps.
That's it, right?
Just a few bumps after years of resistance and he's flying. But something goes wrong. Horribly, horribly wrong. And before he realizes what's happening, Loup is backed up against the wall, shaking and crying, wailing, "She's going to kill me. She's going to kill me."
That was not a good night for Loup.
The next day, Loup kicks a hole in his roommate's wall and informs him that he's off to rehab. Again. Loup's an alcoholic and recovering drug addict. He doesn't want to fall back into his habits. And he doesn't want to encourage his current habit. So he leaves. He wants to fix it all.
In rehab he gets to a computer to talk to Agneau and relays to her his undying love. He knows that he's a fuck up and that all he ever seems to do is hurt her, but he wants to fix it. And she's overwhelmed. She can't help her heart from fluttering. And she promises that she'll wait for him.
She always waits for him.
Almost two months go by with off and on responses from Loup. Agneau goes on with her life. She always misses him but only on rare occasions shows it. After a meeting with the board at the rehab center about a month and a half into his rehabilitation, Loup is denied release. They tell him that he's violent and has sociopathic tendencies (which Agneau knows he does) and shouldn't leave.
Loup gets angry and leaves anyway.
So Loup and Agneau are together again, but the fights are worse than before. They aren't often, but they're intense. Because Loup and Agneau were never subtle creatures. They're passionate and filled with fire. They have to hate each other in order to love.
But Loup can't take it. And he breaks up with her again. But this time it's semi-mutual. She understands that he needs his space, his time alone. But they keep talking. They always keep talking. They know that without each other they really can't survive.
Loup rents a cabin to work on his thesis, so he can get his doctorate. Loup is a genius, although sometimes he forgets it. There, he meets a boy. This boy makes Loup's stomach hurt in that way that Agneau does. Loup wants to be with this new boy. Because, Loup and Agneau, they've told one another that they're no longer in love. They can be with others, although they both are still incredibly possessive of one another and never want to hear of the other's romantic exploits. The only thing that they refuse to tell one another.
But Agneau knows, and more than anything she wants Loup to be happy. After she tells him this, he seems to get better. And she knows nothing of what Loup has or has not done with this other boy, if Loup loves him as he loved her.
But Agneau wonders.
She doesn't believe that they fell out of love by coincidence. She's positive that they stopped being in love with one another because they forced themselves to. And then...are they even out of love? Sometimes she's sure that they are.
But when he calls her Princess...the name that he used for her at the peak of their relationship, the name that he saved for her and her alone and would never call another person, she wonders. She melts inside. Because no matter what happens, Loup and Agneau know that she will always be his princess. Her name is still on his arm.
She will never tell him just how much she loves him.
