Rambling

 

Well, I am still thinking about the boy from my last post. I deleted him off facebook to try help me move on. I am really hurt. I really thought maybe he liked me. Guys don't think I reciprocated any interest though so I guess it is understandable he gave up if I wasn't being overly interested. I was hesitant because I was surprised and I didn't want to put myself on the line and have him do exactly what he has just done (ignore me). If I had gone hell yes come visit next month when he had emailed that and he didn't reply I would have been even more gutted. But this is hurtful too cos I feel led on. 

I have a date on Thursday which I am nervous about....have no idea what to talk about and it is the first date date I have had since I was 19.  I think Iam a little to hung up on the other guy to really be thinking about someone else, maybe the distraction will be a good thing though. Hard though when all I wanted was to see someone else when I went back home this weekend and he ignored me. I didn't email him directly though...maybe I should have. But he still should have replied to the group thing and if he gave a shit he would have. 

I am embarrassed because I probably made it very obvious to him as well by deleting him from facebook. Also embarrassed that people said yes they would come and just didn't fucking come. Rude considering all the trouble I went to with the food. 

 

So I know it's been a while since I wrote....but anyways, just got something I need to vent and flesh out so I can move on I guess.

Before I moved states I liked a guy at work. I had liked him for ages, but never really thought he was interested in me. It was a call centre and my role was off the phones, so we didn't sit near each other and really have much chances to talk. But if we were over at the kitchen area we would chat and he had lunch with me and a friend once, we have been to a couple of work functions including a friends birthday.

Anyways, we weren't really close or anything and I decided to move. A couple of months before I move I train him in checking account closures and we flirt a little, but nothing really serious. Nothing happens after this and we don't actually speak much. 

I have decided to move states and this gets announced two weeks before the friends birthday. He emails me to wish me all the best. At the birthday his boss happens to off handedly mention that the guy changed his day off for my last day at work...I am not sure if this is true.  At the party the guy tells me he doesn't want me to leave and we talk for a bit. At the time I found the comment a little odd since we hadn't talked much before the party. 

On my last day we don't talk, which I was really hurt by. He had however been sick all week and still wasn't well that day either, but still I was upset.  Anyways, I delete him off face book but end up adding him back on there and writing a message indicating I was upset he didn't say goodbye.  I didn't expect a reply back but I got a message to my inbox from him telling me he went home sick, that we would see each other again because these things are just temporary absences and he also said he wanted to come to the city I have moved to. He also said he didn't get to write his usual long message in my card cos he was rushed???? In my card he even said he was very sad I was leaving

I got so excited about this all i could think about was how nice it would be to be able to show him around the city etc. 

I went back to my hometown a couple of months after moving and organised a group dinner which he came to. At the dinner I was really happy he was there. I didn't feel like we were flirting during the dinner - it just felt normal, but when the dinner was over and people were leaving I gave him a kiss on the cheek goodbye. He had his arm around my lower back/hips which I was surprised by because I expected him to just back away and head off. But he held eye contact and said to keep in contact and that we should do a dinner again next time I come down. 

I got my hopes up so I wrote to him when I got back to my new city and said it was good to see everyone and thanked him for coming.  He replied back saying he admired my courage for going. 

I am  going back home at the end of the month and so I am organising a BBQ. I invited him in the hope he would come. I sent an email to people a month early so they could keep the date free. He did not reply to say yes or no. I sent a reminder again this week, still three weeks early and he again has not replied. In my email I said to click a button if you weren't coming and didn't want to keep getting reminders.....I made a mistake with the button when I set it up. But I am still sure people will get the point that I want to know either way if they are coming and basically tell me NO if they aren't coming so I stop emailing them reminders. He again has not replied. I am surprised by this because he normally is quite keen to go to social stuff and he ws the first to reply to my dinner invite. Now this time no response at all. I don't know if that means he is considering it or if he is just simply too rude to have the courtesy to tell me he isn't coming. 

I probably just got my hopes up, but I can't believe he wouldn't have the decency after his little performance of 'keep in contact and dinner next time" stuff from last time. I am gutted he hasn't even bothered to reply either way. I don't understand it. 

I actually started to get my hopes up he liked me and didn't think I was imagining it. And now he is just ignoring me. 

 

 

Hey,

Well it has been a while since I posted....sorry. I guess I should update by saying that I am in Sydney now. Have been since mid May.  Hasn't all been easy, especially work wise. I had hardly any systems when I got up there and just when I am explaining things it feels like I am talking under water because they just have no idea about how the bank runs - as bad as not even knowing cut off times and transaction processing timeframes such as how long a cheque takes to clear. It is very frustrating and if my systems play up then good luck explaining to management what the system actually is so it can get fixed......The department is short staffed and they are really tight with overtime and expenses which makes it harder. 

In terms of making friends...people are way clickier here. It is hard. I have maybe one good friend at work in different department. We went sailing yesterday which was brilliant. I have been to the Friday night drinks at the local a few times to try get to know people and that in the early days was fun, but it is getting to expensive. 

I am looking for a new job because I am over the one I am doing. I am meant to get trained in payments soon which will be good to do something different....if I stay. I got an interview with Flight Centre, but I got turned off by the fact the salary is highly commission based and the base is really low. I would be too panicked about money and I am struggling as it is. 

My apartment is ok. I have had plumbers out a few times....but it is old so I guess expected. I am comfortable for the most part though. 

I have been to the Blue Mountains for a day and the Zoo and out to Manly a few times. Back to Melbourne twice so far (once to get my stuff out of storage and again to catch up with people). 

I like the surroundings in Sydney, miss the work people in Melb heaps, these guys plus some people I have met traveling are my first real friends. Still feeling a little lonely in Sydney. I do have a couple of people visiting this month and next month from overseas which will be nice. 

Went to Yoga last week and have looked into going to Toastmasters so will try get to the next session, didn't have the energy today.

I tried speed dating a little while back which was ok but I didn't get any matches. Without wanting sounding pathetic, I am so tired of being single. It would be nice to meet someone for the first time in my life. I have never had a boyfriend. I never dated at uni, or in highschool because I was too shy and part of me feels left out and regrets having been so shy and wasting that time when I could have been fund doing normal things. I really was lonely at school. What can I say, I have always had trouble making friends. I wish I could have that time back and not be so shy because I don't have any summer fling or boyfriends or even many memories of simple things like going to the movies or shops with friends back then. 

Boys are confusing though, because I am inexperienced I don't always know how to act and yet I am old so people wouldn't expect me to be a virgin. I get sad sometimes because I just feel ugly and uninteresting, why do no guys pay any attention to me as anything more than a friend.

Anyways, enough for tonight.

 

 

 

 

Well,  I have just begun 2 weeks off holidays. Not really going anywhere as yet. Might head down to Portsea or Bright or maybe the bus to Wollongong so I can see the 12 apostles finally. That is actually sounding more appealing.

Portsea would be good cos I can go horseriding though.  

I have been told at work that I have been accepted into the role in Sydney when it goes - they still haven't sorted out when though. All I know at this stage is they want it in Sydney ASAP....they were looking into systems access last week...that could take a month in itself.....I just wish I knew something official.  They are also sorting out a contract for me. I do not get relocation benefits which is pretty tight of them. I am trying to get a payrise, but not liking my chances too much. 

Anyways, I guess I will hopefully find out something more official when I get back from my holidays. I have some running around to do this week and a friend to catch up with and then the footy on the weekend, so it will probably be me going away just for a couple of days and that is it. Maybe even just a day trip somewhere.....

 

Well, I have applied for a few more jobs at work. I have also asked them to consider letting me go to Sydney with the job if it does end up there.  They still have not made their decision yet which is annoyng because they have had MONTHS and MONTHS. The head dude was meant to come down last Monday to discuss it all and he didn't.

I would love a better paying job. It would make things easier. I can get my own place so much quicker. I am just fed up with the whole "we don't want this role being part of IB" attitude. The TLs are meant to check our work and yet they have no idea what we actually do in the role and they don't WANT to know, which makes me feel like shit because I just get ignored because I am not a CSC on the phones with IB questions and I am not a high and mighty bloody TL. I doesn't help that it is always a mission to find someone to check closures etc. All I ever seem to get told is we don't want the role sitting with us" blah blah blah. For god sake, the role DOES sit with you and you have a responsibility to it, stop your whingeing and be a little pleasant. Take an interest so you can actually do performance reviews accurately.

 

I should here back this week hopefully if I have some interviews......so wish me luck..... 

Ok vent over. 

 

I caught up with a friend I hadn't seen in ages yesterday, which was REALLY good. Felt like old times. We saw the movie Changeling, which was great. Very sombre topic, but great movie. What a woman. I quite like Angelina as an actress too.