All The Small Things

I just finished reading "How to Kill your Husband (and other handy household hints) and I have to say that it was utterly dreadful.

Maybe its just the state of mind I'm in at the moment, but the idea that all men are lying cheating assholes, and that marriage is basically a death sentance for your sex life, romance and intimacy is abhorrent to me.

I know that married couples must get used to each other... but I wonder if there isn't something implicit in becoming married to someone that means that you are going to make an effort NOT to slide into that sort of numbness.

Wedding Vows along the lines of:

I promise to never take you for granted, or ignore you, or let you do all of the housework all of the time...

I promise that I will make the effort to keep our sex life fulfilling and interesting for both of us...

I promise to clean up half the vomit, poo and wee from our pets and children, and all of yours when you are ill...

I promise to not put my penis into other people / allow others to put their penis in me...

I promise to continue noticing you, engaging with you in interesting conversation, and romancing you till the end of our days...

I promise that if I have an issue I will talk to you about it... not put my penis in the babysitter about it.

 

I am shit scared of committment. I have to be quite clear about that. I have spent the last few days in a crappy mood and unable to shake a feeling of dread having realised that I am now in a "Serious Relationship" for the first time since Nicky's Dad left. This is my longest relationship. One year. (After discussion with Ellvis, we are counting the period where I had broken up with him and we were still seeing each other as relationship time... its fair I think.)

And Ellvis says that he isn't going anywhere. With my funny twitchiness over the last few days, he's started calling my his little fruitcake, but he continues to reassure me that he loves me and he isn't going anywhere.

I'm packing bricks at the thought of us hitting the two year mark, which, lets be honest, is a pretty early milestone. Matrimony is way way way off in the incredibly distant future if ever for us.

But should I ever be persuaded to head to the altar and undertake to give my life over to another, I would be giving a committment of the above proportions.

Why is it that authors think that it is ok to write such awful books about marriage?

No wonder there is so little faith left in the institution.

Now I'm not rushing off to get married. I have a fairly strongly held belief that noone will ever want to marry my inherently flawed and committment phobic self. However, deep inside, I want to be married one day, to a husband who loves and respects me and would make those vows and keep them.

Despite this book, I choose to believe that there are men out there who are capable of doing so.

So tomorrow evening, at 5.30pm, I have to take my beautiful Nicky to meet her Dad.

She will be spending the next three weeks with him, including the entire Christmas / New Year period. I'll see her again in the second week of January. Feels like forever away.

I know that I should be focussing on the fact that next year it will be my turn, and that I want her to have a good relationship with her Dad, and that she's happy there and that Christmas is really a time for children, and it isn't fair to drag her between houses at Christmas time.

But there is a very selfish part of me that just wants to keep her here with me and spend Christmas Day with my little girl.

I look after her all year, I'm the one who provides for her, who cares for her when she's sick, who stays up all night with her when she's got nightmares, who takes off work when she needs to stay home, who volunteers at her school and packs her lunch every day and tucks her into bed at night.

I want to do the caring for her on the one day of the year that the whole planet recognises as a day for being with the ones that you love.

 

I'm going to have lunch with my parents on the day - my grandparents on Dad's side will be there, the rest of the family are going away this year. We aren't doing presents, and I have to say that it really doesn't feel like Christmas to me at all this year.

I got Nicky a portable DVD player and some speakers for her iPod - she's opened them already and had a play with them. It didn't seem right to hold onto them until she came home. All the excitement has gone by then. She was really happy with both of them, which was great. She loves to listen to her music, and she's set up the speakers next to her bed. The DVD player she wants to take with her to her Dads house. Its hers, so I'll let her if thats what she wants. I just hope it comes back in a decent condition.

I miss her already. Tomorrow I'm going to take her out for a day of whatever she wants to do. Just the two of us. I'm tired of running all over town to visit everyone else and getting no quality time for ourselves. Tomorrow is our last day together for a while, and we are going to enjoy it!!! 

 

 

I'm looking forward to spending Christmas Eve with some old friends, and with my Ellvis. He is such a strength and delight to me. The other night I was out having dinner with Tink and our big brother, Ellvis, and Nicky, and I accidentally took some medication then drank some wine. I mean, I didn't accidentally take the medication - I did that deliberately - I just didn't clearly think through what I was taking, and the fact that I was drinking a glass of wine at the time. By my second glass of wine I was a cross between off my face and asleep. The medication absolutely wiped me out.

Lovely Ellvis drove me back to his place in my car (I could hardly keep my eyes open, no hope of driving!), then packed a bag and drove us home to our house (45km) and put Nicky and I to bed. I slept the whole way home, getting more and more wiped out by the minute, and when he put me into bed he couldn't wake me up enough to get me out of my clothes. Needless to say, this is rarely an issue that Ellvis faces with me!!!!

He had to get a lift back to town with a workmate the next morning, and then another lift home to his house to get his car. It was so terribly inconvenient for him, and he was planning on getting a good nights sleep - not nursing me and getting up at 4.30am! He's such a wonderful man. I love him... which is weird, because I didn't think that love could grow.

I'm beginning to realise that this whole slow and steady, growing into each other and into love is a much more stable and satisfying way to go...

and although that makes it sound a bit boring and pedestrian, its really anything but that. Its exciting, and intense, and delightful, and joyful and safe and kind and beautiful and solid.

Who would have thought! (Except for you Mrs. Macca - obviously!!)

 

What a disjointed post. Oh well. Tis getting late in the year and I'm not in a great frame of mind at the moment.

 

Wishing anyone reading a very merry Christmas and the happiest of New Years, Sass xoxo

Funny thing happened the other night.

I went to the local oval to watch my man Ellvises children playing cricket. He had made a lovely dinner for us, bought me a fold up chair and the whole deal. He's a honey.

Anyway, we were sitting there watching the children, and his ex wife was there. She was sitting with a bunch of her friends, occasionally sending us a foul look and drinking beer from a bottle.

We just minded our own, but it was hard to ignore the very loud conversation going on beside us...

"Has he introduced you to her yet??"

Mumbled reply, laughter.

Then this, from his ex wife...

"Well, it has to be a legitimate relationship. They've had coffee together!" Laughs her her head off.

 

Now, a few weekends ago, we were in a local coffee shop, getting a coffee before heading out on a well planned hunt through the Saturday morning Garage Sales. In line behind us, two people back, was his ex wife. She didn't acknowledge him, he didn't acknowledge her, and I just pretended I had no idea who she was, because we haven't been introduced yet. Considering that we had to stand about half a meter from her to pick up our coffee it was pretty awkward. Presumably this is where the coffee comment comes from...

 

But, I think its pretty rude to be commenting on the legitimacy of our relationship. She doesn't even know me! Plus, we have been seeing each other for a year now, so to my mind, there is no reason to question the legitimacy of it. Ellvis doesn't presume to question the legitimacy or otherwise of her relationships.

 

I'm not going to let it bother me too much... but I do keep reminding Ellvis that I don't think I'm ready for us to take our relationship to the next level... Coffee AND Cake. LOL

"Cake Ellvis? Cake is a big step."

"I don't think I'm ready for Cake."

"Can I have some time to think about Cake?"

"I wonder what our children would think about us eating Cake together."

"Perhaps we need to discuss what Cake will mean for all of us..."

 

In related news...

Relationship talk makes me hungry :-)

Authorities have recovered a stolen 18-carat gold bookmark that reportedly was given to Adolf Hitler by his longtime mistress, Eva Braun.

Christian Popescu, a Romanian national, was arrested on Tuesday outside a Bellevue Starbucks after trying to sell the bookmark to an undercover agent for $US100,000 ($A152,850), according to papers filed in US District Court.

Federal prosecutors said the bookmark was among several items taken in an auction-house heist in Madrid, Spain, six years ago. At the time, some antiquities experts questioned its authenticity.

The bookmark is engraved with a portrait of Hitler as well as an imperial eagle and swastika, and its inscription indicates that Braun gave it to Hitler to console him after German forces surrendered at Stalingrad.

"My Adolf, don't worry," it reads, adding that the loss was "only an inconvenience that will not break your certainty of victory. My love for you will be eternal, as our Reich will be eternal. Always yours, Eva. 3-2-43".

Regardless of its authenticity, federal agents said its theft broke the law.

"Artifacts of historical significance are not souvenirs for illegal sale to the highest bidder," Leigh Winchell, special agent in charge of Immigration and Customs Enforcement's office of investigations in Seattle, said in a statement.

Popescu made an initial appearance in federal court on Wednesday, where he was represented by a public defender who left without speaking to reporters.

The operation began when ICE learned a man was trying to sell the bookmark in the Seattle area. An informant contacted Popescu, who confirmed he had the bookmark and provided pictures. Popescu told the informant he wanted $US150,000 ($A229,270) for it.

Spanish authorities estimated the bookmark was valued at between $US13,000 ($A19,870) and $US17,000 ($A25,980), according to court documents.

Investigators set up a meeting with Popescu at a Starbucks coffee shop in Bellevue, where the Romanian man showed an undercover agent the bookmark, charging papers said. He was arrested in the parking lot as the agent paid him $US100,000. ($A152,850).

Popescu is being held on one count of sale or receipt of stolen goods. A detention hearing was set for Monday.

US Attorney Jeff Sullivan said agents are still investigating how the bookmark arrived in Seattle. Five people were detained in Tuesday's operation, but only Popescu was arrested and charged, he said.

In 2002, three thieves walked into the Duran Subastas auction house in Madrid during work hours and stole the bookmark along with several pieces of jewellery from a glass showcase.

 

 

Isn't it weird when a story just makes you scratch your head like that? The guy stole an artifact from an auction house, then got arrested and told that you can't just sell the artifact to the highest bidder... but isn't that what Auction Houses DO???

Only in America.

So I've been emailing back and forth with a very nice girl on here who contacted me when I left and then came back... and I haven't written back to you in forever because I am clearly the worlds most shit penfriend, and now my email has corrupted and I have lost your email address!!

 

Can you pretty please please email me again - I'm also wondering if you are on facebook? If so, you can totally use my email to search and add me, I'm a way better facebook friend than I am penpal. I promise!!

 

 

(I totally realise that this is of no interest to anyone else, but its important to me and its my blog so ner ner ner eat my shorts etc.!)

So Mrs. Macca was so kind as to point out to me that this blog has been getting a bit... boring lately.

Its true, sorry to say! I've been so busy / happy lately that there isn't a) any time or b) anything interesting to say! But here are some small things to keep you happy Mrs. Mac...

A little story about Bad Service:

After a full morning perusing other peoples stuff at garage sales on the weekend, Ellvis and I decided that we would have a lovely lunch at a local cafe. So we went into the cafe, took a seat and placed our order with the waitress.

Shortly afterwards, another waitress arrived with our beverages. Ellvis's coffee, and my pot of tea. She put the drinks down, and asked me if I needed milk. I said, yes please. I then added, I asked for extra milk.

She snapped back at me "Yeah, well I only have two hands." Clearly she was not having a good day / was a shithouse waitress.

She bought the milk out and then went over to the next table where she had a very obvious conversation about myself and Ellvis with the couple sitting there. She then went and bought a childrens colouring in book for the girl of the couple, and again, had a very pointed, obvious and audible conversation with the girl about us.

The service was shithouse, long story short I guess. Why do people like this enter the service industry?????

More importantly - WHY DO THEY ALWAYS HAVE TO WAIT ON MY TABLE!!!???

I let her know at the counter when she took our payment that I had been less than impressed with the service that she offered us. Terrible. I'm taking my usual stand and telling EVERYONE.

 

Other than that, I'm just disgustingly happy really. Ellvis is a wonder and delight to me, and takes up a lot of my time. Plus its the end of the year now, five weeks till Christmas etc. Its just a busy time of the year.

There was one other thing I wanted to record for prosterity though... Oh shit, make that TWO THINGS!!!

 

Ellvis told me that he LOVES ME.

(I asked him if he'd said it by accident.) (He said no, then he repeated it.)

(AAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!! JOY!! DELIGHT!! SMILES!! SUNSHINE!! HAPPINESS!!)

(I said it back... but not straight away. I let him wait a bit ;) I'm mean!!)

 

 

The other thing is not so nice, but kind of funny.

There is this lady I've been helping for a while now. I was at her house, and her MIL came in. Older lady, in her sixties I'd say.

The MIL started getting stuck into the lady, verbally abusing her. I went and stood behind the lady, asked the MIL to leave.

She told me that noone here likes me, that I'm an interfering little bitch, and that if I didn't stay out of her way she was going to punch me in the face.

 

Yep.

 

Sass.

 

Making elderly ladies threaten physical violence since 2008.

My Sister Is Back In The Country...

 

I knew this week was going to be bad, I didn't realise it was going to be THIS bad.

 

But then, perhaps Dad is right. Perhaps she's improved while she's been away.

 

Perhaps she's had a personality transplant and is returning as a pleasant person to be around. Hope springs eternal, right?

 

Friday night, shindig for my brothers 21st. Should be great fun.

So last year I did the right thing and went to have one of those nasty Pap Smears that one hears about ladies having.

Nasty, embarassing. Apparently my inside bits are as twisted and upside down as the rest of my life, so finding the bit to smear is difficult. But thats fine, because its only every two years right?

Wrong.

That little test came back abnormal, so I had to go back again this year and again have my lady parts examined and smeared.

And again, this years test was abnormal.

So apparently what happens when you are abnormal two years running is that they send you off to a gynacologist, who is just the next step up the vaginal examinatory team ladder.

I trundled off to my appointment (which took me a month and a half to get by the by) with a fist full of cash ($240) and when I was called in was relieved to see the lovely little doctor lady.

She was in a pretty skirt, and we had a lovely chat during which she gathered my details. I perused the office. Nice desk. Nice floral arrangement. Nice examination table - no sign of any stirrups. All good.

"Ok," she said "Just come into the exam room and we'll have a look at you"

The fucking what room? What other room??

She opens a door to reveal a torture chamber complete with scary looking trolley loaded with undercarriage inspection equipment, and a chair complete with freaking stirrups.

"Just head behind the curtain there and take your bottom half off"

Now my Dad always told me that if you played with your belly button your bum would fall off... but I figured she wanted me to remove my jeans and undergarmature rather than fiddle with my belly button. So I did.

She loaded me in to the chair of pain, and I found myself be-stirruped and in a position which made me pretty sure that expiration from sheer mortification was imminent.

Firstly she did some more smearing, because shit, why not.

Then she "had a look around" which made me feel like I should be pointing out the facilities and touting the benefits of the neighbourhood and making sure that she didn't steal any of my stuff.

She found some obvious abnormal bits while she was looking around, so she decided to take a biopsy - this is where the real fun began.

Apparently a biopsy of the cerviacle area involves just slicing off a section of cervix without the assistance of any sort of anasthetic or numbing cream of any kind.

"Good Golly Gosh that smarts!" is probably preferable to what I actually yelled at the nice little woman stabbing at my vagina.

She then cauterised the wound - a nice way of saying that she burned my insides to stop them from gushing bloods everywheres - again without the inconvenience of anasthetic.

 

Based on this experience, I have decided to open my own clinic.

I will rig up some stirrups - I can get some chicken wire and baling twine and spray paint them silver.

Equipment required is only the long sharp silver letter opener currently on my desk.

I totally have the skills to stab unsuspecting women in the vagina and charge them excessively for the priveledge.

Sass's Gyno Clinic! Book Now!!

 

In reality, my poor undercarriage is a little tender, and worse - est of all is that there will be no jiggy jig for me for at least a week. Sorry CK!

Go Here and Play This:

www.freerice.com

 

Or Try This:

http://www.catchmentdetox.net.au/play-game/

 

Both of them are educational - don't mock me because I like to waste my time learning stuff.

So I'm doing this course at the moment, apparently its a Diploma in Business Management.

I used to have a bit of respect for people who went off and did a course like that - I mean, its not a Degree, but its better than a Cert IV. Usually, takes two to three years to do. Its intensive. Its worthwhile. It means you have a sound knowledge of the principles of Business Managment.

But this one, this alleged course, is only 10 DAYS LONG.

10 days, spread over a year usually - in my case I'm doing it in 6 months, as I am part of a group who has been "fasttracked".

The assessments are easy, the days themselves are actually only 10am - 3pm, 4pm at an utter stretch. Getting to Melbourne and back takes longer than that. I spend four hours to get there actually, and another four to get home, so its three hours longer in travel time than it is in learning time. Geez.

I am really cross about it actually. I'm paying a bit of money to do it - I mean, its only $2k, but still. I just don't feel that its good value if I'm not learning anything!

It will look good on the CV, and in my case I guess I have 5 years actually MANAGING every aspect of a small business, so at least I have knowledge gained through experience... but there are people in my class who really don't have any experience. They don't get the most basic level of information being given out at these classes, and they clearly are not across some of the aspects that we are covering. Specifically, financial managment.

I wonder if I should be complaining that the course isn't good enough, or should I shut up, take the qualification and run?