What you have made me

Mood: Hiccuping
Listening to: Tom and Jerry on TV

     The last few years, all I have been concerned about in my life is having people like me. I didn't have many friends in highschool. I was overweight and depressed.. I was the "goth" (though i have ALWAYS hated that word!) girl who people seemed afraid of at times. I moved as soon as I graduated, To a city where I fit in. I had friends, boys liked me, I just became popular.

     Even then, things in my life were spinning out of control... but nothing mattered as long as people knew my name and liked me. I began what is still an issue in my life - eating disorders. Some days I eat nothing, others I binge and purge. Most days now, I just eat once a day. Like a salad, etc. Otherwise, I feel huge.

     This was a lot worse last summer when I was a hardcore alcoholic. I drank every night even if I had to do it alone in my room. And with not much food in my stomach, it pretty much always made for rough times. I'd go to work drunk/hungover - it was my way of people liking me because I was loud and fun and people had a good time drinking with me.

     I don't drink like that anymore. After about a year of just being sick/drunk all the time, and a few people actually expressed concern, I took a break from alcohol. Though it still comes up when Im feeling sad. It was the first thing I ran to when 'E' left. I got sloshed and was sick the whole next day.

     Why am i so self destructive? Everything bad that has happened to me since highschool (i will NOT blame myself for the things that happened as a child) has been my fault. SO maybe I deserve it. Maybe I deserve to be sick - to never have what is ALL I have ever really wanted. A real relationship with someone who actually cares about me. But that is no longer a possiblity for my future.

     And now my life is the complete opposite. Though people may think they are my friends, I realize in this break that I am just a mere aquaintence to all of these people that were important to me. The fact that no one even notices I havn't been around, makes that an obvious reality. I could start a whole new life somewhere else and never come back and none would be the wiser.

     I feel like Im 12 again. I want to run away!! If I had a car.. or the money, I would leave. I wouldnt tell anyone and I would NEVER come back. That is my dream.