What you have made me

     She's probably the most influential person that has ever been involved in my life. She had no idea how much she would grow to mean to me or how much I miss her and that is the hardest part about it. There are some things that you can't tell your friends because they would think badly of you, or your mom because she'd be dissappointed, or your boyfriend because he wouldnt understand.. but I know I could have said those things to her. And I know I would have been loved, and understood, and helped through anything. But I have no one who is that to me now so I am alone in everything. Sometimes I think that I am almost angry at her for not taking the time to say goodbye to me individually. So I could have at least had that to remember. Had she told me that she loved me and that she would always be here for me maybe I wouldnt question it so much. But maybe she had her reasons, like trying to make it easier on me back then... I have no idea what her motives would have been. I probably have no right to question her or be angry but sometimes I wonder so hard why everything had to be the way it was and since it was, WHY do i think about her soo much now? WHY do I miss her with every single breath I take and WHY do I NEED her?? Is it just because I have no one and I imagine in my head what she could be to me? If she was still alive, would she really be my confidant like I imagine? Or would I just have something else that I wished for to stand up for me? I need something. ANYTHING. I need closure, I need support, I need understanding, I need COMPASSION... I need someone who will tell me that everything will work out and actually believe it themselves. I need someone that will just sit and ACTUALLY listen to me, and take in what I have to say. Or sit with me and say nothing at all when I feel like I feel today, as to keep me from the ledge. I think that I need something that I will never have a shot at having in my life and admitting that is probably the lowest point of my life.