What you have made me

Mood: Hiccuping
Listening to: Tom and Jerry on TV

     The last few years, all I have been concerned about in my life is having people like me. I didn't have many friends in highschool. I was overweight and depressed.. I was the "goth" (though i have ALWAYS hated that word!) girl who people seemed afraid of at times. I moved as soon as I graduated, To a city where I fit in. I had friends, boys liked me, I just became popular.

     Even then, things in my life were spinning out of control... but nothing mattered as long as people knew my name and liked me. I began what is still an issue in my life - eating disorders. Some days I eat nothing, others I binge and purge. Most days now, I just eat once a day. Like a salad, etc. Otherwise, I feel huge.

     This was a lot worse last summer when I was a hardcore alcoholic. I drank every night even if I had to do it alone in my room. And with not much food in my stomach, it pretty much always made for rough times. I'd go to work drunk/hungover - it was my way of people liking me because I was loud and fun and people had a good time drinking with me.

     I don't drink like that anymore. After about a year of just being sick/drunk all the time, and a few people actually expressed concern, I took a break from alcohol. Though it still comes up when Im feeling sad. It was the first thing I ran to when 'E' left. I got sloshed and was sick the whole next day.

     Why am i so self destructive? Everything bad that has happened to me since highschool (i will NOT blame myself for the things that happened as a child) has been my fault. SO maybe I deserve it. Maybe I deserve to be sick - to never have what is ALL I have ever really wanted. A real relationship with someone who actually cares about me. But that is no longer a possiblity for my future.

     And now my life is the complete opposite. Though people may think they are my friends, I realize in this break that I am just a mere aquaintence to all of these people that were important to me. The fact that no one even notices I havn't been around, makes that an obvious reality. I could start a whole new life somewhere else and never come back and none would be the wiser.

     I feel like Im 12 again. I want to run away!! If I had a car.. or the money, I would leave. I wouldnt tell anyone and I would NEVER come back. That is my dream.

Mood: Ruined
Listening to: Flyleaf

     I don't know if anyone reads these.. I just did a search for a blog site because I had to get some things out an dI have no way of doing so in the real world. I am even afraid that if I were to write in a real journal, someone would eventually find it and I would have to relive these times again, explaining them. So I'm here to get out a few things.

     I'm sick. I knew I was sick when I met him, yet it hadn't been confirmed. But.. I knew. I knew from the moment I found out he was interested in me that I wouldn't be able to carry on a relationship with him because I did'nt want to have to tell him I was sick. Because I have way to much pride to let anyone know that I'm not 100% all the time.

     Only a month into the most amazing relationship of my life, I got my confermation. So I started acting distant and I guess a little crazy. One night he had only been at my place for about an hour and he just sort of got up and was like, "I should go." And that was that. I havn't spoken to him since. I felt it when he left... there was no "I'll call you tomorrow.. or I'll see you soon.." like there always was. That was just the end.

     I can only imagine the things he's thinking about me. A day or so earlier, he liked me soo much and was asking me WHEN he was going to find something wrong with me, because I seemed perfect.. He was perfect. And there's this horrible fear in the back of my mind all the time that he somehow found out I was sick... my worst fear.

     But I have never MISSED someone so much. To go to seeing someone everyday and talking to them on the phone every second your not together, to being completely shut out... It's absolutely ruined me. I havn't spoken to my friends in a weeks because they know him... I only answer the phone if my mom calls because I dont want to let her know that there is anything wrong.

     SHE doesnt even know Im sick. NO one does. No one ever will. So I have to lie to people I care about forever.. I can never have a relationship again... I can never lead a normal life. I don't want people to be close to me because I dont want to have to FEEL like Im hiding something. I have been crying alone in my apartment for days. I dont know what to do.

     It's all such a shock to my life. I have had bouts of depression since the 5th grade. Im in my early 20's now and things STILL happen that trigger them. I have been doing really well lately - been really happy. But to find out I have an illness, and to lose literally the best thing that has ever been in my life, is crushing. I am crushed. I didn't love him by any means... but if EERYTHING had been different, I know I would have. He would have loved me too.

     God, I wish I wasn't sick.