What you have made me

Dec 28, 2006 at 08:26 o\clock

Fix Me

by: cute_when_i_SCREAM

Listening to: Red Hot Chili Peppers

     She's probably the most influential person that has ever been involved in my life. She had no idea how much she would grow to mean to me or how much I miss her and that is the hardest part about it. There are some things that you can't tell your friends because they would think badly of you, or your mom because she'd be dissappointed, or your boyfriend because he wouldnt understand.. but I know I could have said those things to her. And I know I would have been loved, and understood, and helped through anything. But I have no one who is that to me now so I am alone in everything. Sometimes I think that I am almost angry at her for not taking the time to say goodbye to me individually. So I could have at least had that to remember. Had she told me that she loved me and that she would always be here for me maybe I wouldnt question it so much. But maybe she had her reasons, like trying to make it easier on me back then... I have no idea what her motives would have been. I probably have no right to question her or be angry but sometimes I wonder so hard why everything had to be the way it was and since it was, WHY do i think about her soo much now? WHY do I miss her with every single breath I take and WHY do I NEED her?? Is it just because I have no one and I imagine in my head what she could be to me? If she was still alive, would she really be my confidant like I imagine? Or would I just have something else that I wished for to stand up for me? I need something. ANYTHING. I need closure, I need support, I need understanding, I need COMPASSION... I need someone who will tell me that everything will work out and actually believe it themselves. I need someone that will just sit and ACTUALLY listen to me, and take in what I have to say. Or sit with me and say nothing at all when I feel like I feel today, as to keep me from the ledge. I think that I need something that I will never have a shot at having in my life and admitting that is probably the lowest point of my life.

Dec 26, 2006 at 05:52 o\clock

I Can't talk about it

by: cute_when_i_SCREAM

Listening to: So I thought - Flyleaf

     I am absolutely infatuated with a few songs by this band right now... everytime I hear this song, my eyes well up. It sums up alot of how I feel right now - however that works. Thought I'd share it with you.

All your twisted thoughts free flow to ever lasting memories - show soul

Kiss the stars with me and dread the wait for stupid calls, returning us to life

We say to those who are in love it can't be true cause your too young. I know thats true because so long I was so in love with you - so I thought

A year goes by and I can't talk about it. The times were right, but I couldn't talk about it

On my knees dimlighted room thoughts free flow try to consume myself in this im not faithless - just paranoid of getting lost - without I might lose

Ignorance is bliss - charish it. Pretty neighborhoods you learn to much to lose believe it not. And fight the tears wth pretty smiles and lies about the time

And just maybe we might see something there in between - then and there that exceeds all we can dream

 

Anyways, I hope everyone had a good Christmas.I can't believe another year is already ending...

 

Dec 18, 2006 at 22:02 o\clock

Play Dead Dear

by: cute_when_i_SCREAM

Mood: Hiccuping
Listening to: Tom and Jerry on TV

     The last few years, all I have been concerned about in my life is having people like me. I didn't have many friends in highschool. I was overweight and depressed.. I was the "goth" (though i have ALWAYS hated that word!) girl who people seemed afraid of at times. I moved as soon as I graduated, To a city where I fit in. I had friends, boys liked me, I just became popular.

     Even then, things in my life were spinning out of control... but nothing mattered as long as people knew my name and liked me. I began what is still an issue in my life - eating disorders. Some days I eat nothing, others I binge and purge. Most days now, I just eat once a day. Like a salad, etc. Otherwise, I feel huge.

     This was a lot worse last summer when I was a hardcore alcoholic. I drank every night even if I had to do it alone in my room. And with not much food in my stomach, it pretty much always made for rough times. I'd go to work drunk/hungover - it was my way of people liking me because I was loud and fun and people had a good time drinking with me.

     I don't drink like that anymore. After about a year of just being sick/drunk all the time, and a few people actually expressed concern, I took a break from alcohol. Though it still comes up when Im feeling sad. It was the first thing I ran to when 'E' left. I got sloshed and was sick the whole next day.

     Why am i so self destructive? Everything bad that has happened to me since highschool (i will NOT blame myself for the things that happened as a child) has been my fault. SO maybe I deserve it. Maybe I deserve to be sick - to never have what is ALL I have ever really wanted. A real relationship with someone who actually cares about me. But that is no longer a possiblity for my future.

     And now my life is the complete opposite. Though people may think they are my friends, I realize in this break that I am just a mere aquaintence to all of these people that were important to me. The fact that no one even notices I havn't been around, makes that an obvious reality. I could start a whole new life somewhere else and never come back and none would be the wiser.

     I feel like Im 12 again. I want to run away!! If I had a car.. or the money, I would leave. I wouldnt tell anyone and I would NEVER come back. That is my dream.

Dec 18, 2006 at 12:29 o\clock

I'm so sick - Infected with were I live....

by: cute_when_i_SCREAM

Mood: Ruined
Listening to: Flyleaf

     I don't know if anyone reads these.. I just did a search for a blog site because I had to get some things out an dI have no way of doing so in the real world. I am even afraid that if I were to write in a real journal, someone would eventually find it and I would have to relive these times again, explaining them. So I'm here to get out a few things.

     I'm sick. I knew I was sick when I met him, yet it hadn't been confirmed. But.. I knew. I knew from the moment I found out he was interested in me that I wouldn't be able to carry on a relationship with him because I did'nt want to have to tell him I was sick. Because I have way to much pride to let anyone know that I'm not 100% all the time.

     Only a month into the most amazing relationship of my life, I got my confermation. So I started acting distant and I guess a little crazy. One night he had only been at my place for about an hour and he just sort of got up and was like, "I should go." And that was that. I havn't spoken to him since. I felt it when he left... there was no "I'll call you tomorrow.. or I'll see you soon.." like there always was. That was just the end.

     I can only imagine the things he's thinking about me. A day or so earlier, he liked me soo much and was asking me WHEN he was going to find something wrong with me, because I seemed perfect.. He was perfect. And there's this horrible fear in the back of my mind all the time that he somehow found out I was sick... my worst fear.

     But I have never MISSED someone so much. To go to seeing someone everyday and talking to them on the phone every second your not together, to being completely shut out... It's absolutely ruined me. I havn't spoken to my friends in a weeks because they know him... I only answer the phone if my mom calls because I dont want to let her know that there is anything wrong.

     SHE doesnt even know Im sick. NO one does. No one ever will. So I have to lie to people I care about forever.. I can never have a relationship again... I can never lead a normal life. I don't want people to be close to me because I dont want to have to FEEL like Im hiding something. I have been crying alone in my apartment for days. I dont know what to do.

     It's all such a shock to my life. I have had bouts of depression since the 5th grade. Im in my early 20's now and things STILL happen that trigger them. I have been doing really well lately - been really happy. But to find out I have an illness, and to lose literally the best thing that has ever been in my life, is crushing. I am crushed. I didn't love him by any means... but if EERYTHING had been different, I know I would have. He would have loved me too.

     God, I wish I wasn't sick.