Relationships of Life

A mother - daughter relationship is certainly a very special - even if sometimes difficult - relationship.  For some mothers, as soon as the baby is born, a special almost inborn connection is there - for always.  For other people, it does not seem to be an automatic tie and building a foundation for a relationship takes longer.  As a mother, it is strange to see a small reflection of yourself.  People around constantly say how much she looks like you.  There are often similarities in mannerisms and speech.  Often a daughter will have a similar character to her mother - they say that it is in the genes.  This could either mean that the mother and daughter will get on well - as there appears to be an in-built understanding of each other.  Some become very close and spend a lot of time together.  On the other hand, such a similarity could lead to clashes for example, stubbornness.  When both sides of the relationship are stubborn - and even very stubborn - this can cause problems as neither wish to give in.  However well each one may understand the other one's side of a situation, the stubbornness takes over.

There are many people that hope, upon the birth of a daughter, that this will provide a friend in the future.  In many cases, this does actually happen.  A special bond is formed and a unique relationship is created.  This special union really can be extraordinary - rather like an exclusive club - and it can last for ever.

They say that 'absence makes the heart grow fonder' - but do you think that this is really true?  From my experience, an extended absence more often than not places an unwelcome strain on the relationship.  I realise that times have changed and even when there is a great distance involved, modern technological advances have made a great impact on the ways in which a relationship may be conducted.  Development in the field of communication has made a great effect on the options available. Today, one can enjoy instantaneous contact by telephone and mobile phone. That is without mentioning fax machines, which to some extent are already outdated. Text messages are also a possibility as are e-mails and instant chatting options via the Internet.  These days, video meetings also provide an alternative in which people may see each other and communicate even when not in the same room, town or even country.

This is all very nice - but can you really hold a relationship in this manner?  It all seems rather mechanical to me. There is no chance of a touch or a hug.  Perhaps, if the distance involved is for a certain amount of time and the end is pre-established.  But if this arrangement has an undetermined final date, I do believe that many external pressures are placed on the relationship.  For many, the weight of such pressure is just too much.  In such cases the relationship crumbles under the strain.  It is much preferable to leave the distance element out of things, if possible and concentrate on a good old-fashioned relationship.

Every child is a source of joy and endless wonder.  My relationships with my children are a fascinating, dynamic and sometimes-frustrating work in progress.

Marriages aside, the most significant relationships I have are with my children.  I have 4 kids of my own, each one is completely different than the other, and my relationship with each one is unique.  My oldest son is 27; he is the most unusual of all my kids and our relationship is special.  He's married to a wonderful girl (6 years his junior) and they do their own thing in a lifestyle pretty different than mine or my ex-husband's.   He is the kindest soul with a heart of gold, a sweet, sensitive guy who brings a smile to my face whenever I think of him.  His sister, who's 25, mother to my 2 beautiful grandchildren, gave me and her father the hardest time when she was a teenager and there were years when I had no idea what direction her life would take.  But she met her true love when she was a mere 17 and by 21 she was married and settled down and living a more conservative life than I ever would have imagined.  My next son, who's 21 now, is the straight arrow in the family.  He's the one who never gave us a hard time, always towed the line, never had a bad report in school, always passed with flying colors.  He hasn't decided what he wants to do in life but no matter what he'll decide to do he'll do it brilliantly.  He's our Golden Boy.  My youngest is the one with whom I have the most complex relationship.  She just turned 18.  Until 6 months ago - when my husband and I moved in together - it was just her and me at home and we were happy in our little cocoon.  When we joined the families, she was unhappy from the start.  I understood, I even identified, but there was nothing I could do.  What she chose to do - much to my dismay - was leave home.  My little girl decided to live with friends until she finished high school.  She wasn't angry per se, but she was simply not happy in the new house and, for her, having a good time is the most important thing.

Having children, raising them, watching them become people I'm proud of, independent, free-thinking, and unique, is the most important thing I've done with my life.  Nothing prepares you for having kids, but nothing is as satisfying or as fulfilling.  No job or project has ever come close to the depth and significance of having children.  The relationships are all works in progress; they are like mosaics in which the pieces are always moving and shifting.  I'm so proud and happy to be their mother.

I had no idea how so many people stayed married for so long until I suddenly realized that I felt the right kind of love to make it work.

As I mentioned, after my first marriage failed, I was seriously marriage shy.  Since I wasn't entirely sure what went wrong, I wasn't at all sure that I could ever do it right.  I met my second husband about a year after I was divorced and though we hit it off right away I had a lot of stuff to work through before I could commit.  Interestingly, his marriage was a lot worse than mine (as was his divorce and subsequent relationship with his ex), yet he was ready way before me to make the re-plunge.  I have to give him credit - he stuck with me through 7 long years of on-again, off-again and a lot of rocky times.   The whole "what is love" thing totally stymied me; I was really quite clueless about what it took to make a marriage work.  I was full of angst and anxiety and I spoke to a few very good shrinks along that relationship road.  Once I took marriage off the page and put it on the side, the relationship proceeded pretty smoothly.  We had a great time together, though there were things that bothered me way more than they should have.  When I was married, the things that drove me crazy indicated to me that I didn't love my husband and maybe it was true and maybe it wasn't.  And even in this new relationship I wasn't able to differentiate between normal annoyances and a lack of love.  Slowly, though, it became clear to me that I really did love this kind, dear man, even though it was very hard for me to say it or even to admit it.  Suddenly, after 7 years of being together (and one last hour of therapy), I realized that he was the one for me and I asked him to marry me.  We had the most beautiful little wedding in his backyard in the presence of our 7 kids, 1 grand-daughter and 40 friends and relatives.  That was 2 ½ years ago and we've been very, very happy ever since.  The key, I now believe, is nothing more complex than love, the love that's a combination of caring, giving, acceptance and humor.  I feel blessed to have finally found it.

A friendship that spans 40-plus years is a thing of beauty.  One or two of your childhood friends will stick with you for life and when they do, it's a wonderful thing.

From the time anyone is about 10 years old until he hooks onto his or her first girlfriend or boyfriend, the most important relationship in a young person's life is with friends.  Up until that age, parents are usually pretty central in a kid's life but once he or she hits the double digits, friends are front and center.  This is especially true for girls.  I don't remember very much about my pre-teen and teen years in terms of school or home life (more likely, I don't want to), but I remember every friend I ever had, even the ones I haven't seen or spoken to in 30 years.  In fact I have friends who I've known for over 30 years and they are the best friends I have.  I don't know a lot about the dynamics of friendships between boys.  I can only state the obvious - most grown men (a.k.a. big boys) do not have friendships like the friendships that women have.  They have many acquaintances, colleagues, peers, neighbors, etc., but most men have only one good friend and that's their wife or significant other.  Women, on the other hand, have real, true, meaningful friendships that sometimes span the large part of their lives.  My best friend, Beth - whom I met when we were in camp together at age 13 - lives 6,000 miles away from me but I think of her often, email her frequently and whenever we see each other - about once a year - it's the easiest thing to just pick up wherever we left off.  Sometimes there are things that happen to me or things that I think of that I know only she will understand.  Thank goodness, long distance phone calls are not very expensive anymore; it's good to know that, if I need her, she's only a call away.

Once a person gets married, the most important relationship he or she has is with the spouse.  I've tried marriage twice. The first time, it lasted for 20 years and I remember very few moments when I was happy in which my husband had an active emotional role.  Almost from the get-go I had the feeling that something was wrong, that this relationship was not meant to be.  I made a lot of mistakes during that marriage and I take a lot of the responsibility for its demise but I just didn't have the tools to make it work.  After it ended - 4 kids and 19.5 years later - I spent a lot of time looking back and feeling guilty and wondering why and how and where did I go wrong.  I never did figure it out exactly.  My husband and I never fought; there was no overt hostility or resentment.  But there was very little love and loving behavior and very, very little communication, things I know are necessary to make a relationship work.  Since I couldn't put my finger on what was wrong, and since my husband seemed pretty happy, it dragged on for all those years.  Finally, though I had to get out.  It hit my ex like a ton of bricks but when last-minute counseling didn't work, he had to throw in the towel, too.  Looking back, I think that I just stopped loving him and once that happened it just became too hard to put things back together again.  We are both remarried now - 10 years after we divorced - and our relationship now is better than it was when we were married (it's no "Old Christine," but it's very good).  It took me years to stop beating myself up over the end of my marriage and I swore that until I figured out what went wrong I wouldn't take another walk down the aisle.  And even when I met my current husband, it took 7 years of being together as a couple until I was ready to put my marriage-phobia behind me and give it another try.  Stay tuned for Marriage the Second Time Around.