Harlot Meretrix's Online Journal

Mood: tired
Listening to: the furnase

I miss being a kid. I really miss the natural happiness children have. I want that back. Being around children and working with them really seemed to help me gain back some happiness. I received a lot of “in the moment” relief from my sickness, through the preschool. But it no longer continues to give me as much pleasure as it used to. It hurts to know that I am living with something that I will have for the rest of my life. It hurts to know that everyday I wakeup I have to fight a constant battle against myself. And that there’s really no way of winning that battle, because up until the moment I die I’ll still be fighting it. I that I live to have kids, but surviving one day at a time is a miracle for me. I feel like my bipolar and everything else that is wrong with me is eating me alive. It feels as if it’s slowly killing me, making me suffer. I am tired of suffering. Please just make it stop. When I wake up every morning I feel like “Oh my god, am I going to die today?” I ask myself that question so many times during one single day. I’m often very afraid that death is coming to get me. It’s a scary thing to think about, especially when you can’t get it out of your head. I miss a lot of things, more things beyond happiness. I also miss times when life seemed so simple. Now everything seems like a very complex task that’s being taken on by N.A.S.A. Everything that used to be a breeze is now very frustrating. Like getting up to walk across the room to get something. Now I don’t even bother most of the time. It’s way to hard for me to do. I hope that if I have kids they never have to live with anything close to what I am going through. It’s pure torture, and it’s so painful. I want my children to be happy and never have their happiness stolen from them. People deserve to be happy, they shouldn’t have to work for it. Everyone should be happy, I wish that where so.

Mood: tired (I have a migrane)
Listening to: noise of laptop

Now that I really think about it I guess sleep can sometimes be an  escape.If I don't want to face something, I can always sleep to avoid it. But then I sometimes end up disappointingmyself, because I missed a whole day. I could have been doing something instead of wasting time sleeping forever. I often decide to sleep in for the stupidest reasons. Like skipping school. I 'm just causing myself to get even further behind in all my classes. I'm just giving myself more *crap to deal with. Or that I’ll have to deal with, eventually. I just have so much crap to take care of, and work to make up that I'm so over whelmed and don't know what to do with myself....

Mood: tired
Listening to: laptop is noisy

I feel that people see you for who you've always been, not for who you are. -Talking about people at school and hat live in the area, also family.

Mood: tired (I have a headache)
Listening to: silence

 I went a long time without talking to Tommy and then I saw him at school. He didn’t see me, but it was enough to make me want to call him. So, I did.... We made plans to go ice fishing that weekend, but the conditions weren’t safe enough, so we watched movies at his house. Now things are so different being just friends.

Mood: *mad, yet very very thankful and kinda happy
Listening to: none but the silent sound of me screaming inside my head.