Secret Diaries - 2
Secret Diary of Ebay Leafy
Wednesday
Dear Diry,
Bin a bit pissed off lately. Only bitta fun I ‘ad was slaggin off sum old lady, the one wot I stoled money and privat papers from and shoutin at anover OAP.
Gotta mind not getting caut by Secrit Polis tho has they will put me in a cage wiv a big blak monkee, I fink it is a grilla, wot will do fings to me. Oh ............................... ‘ang on a minute.
Thursday
Dear Diry,
I new it. Ive found the evidens. There were biskit crums on Sandys keybord. ‘E ‘as bin eatin mi biskits after all. I were upset and ‘ad anover accident. Noddy laffed at me. Everyone laffs at me now. Still it is better to the laffed at than ignored. I am goin to try ignoring that fat Sandy then he mite leave my biskits alone. I fink that Dustan bloke is after me fags.
Friday
Dear Diry,
Sandy says peepl wont believe mi copycat website wot I dun cos nobody can fink ladies fancy me cos of mi big belly and bald ‘ed and me bein the most famos queen in upper Egypt. ‘E says everybody wil larf at me speshly all the landlords and landladies wot av chucked me out cos of mi bad abits. Its no good me getting a blond trolley-pop lady on mi moped just for show they will say that I am still on the other bus. Don’t like Sandy and mite get a copycat website saying he is a giglio to tourist ladies.
Secret Diary of Sandy Firenicks
Wednesday
Dear Diary,
Sharing a flat with Leafy, Noddy and Du’Stan is making my head spin. Noddy has drilled a hole in the floor with all that pirouetting and the flat smells like a urinal with leafy wetting the bed every night. What a tiresome creature that Leafy is. He even moaned about me eating his biscuits. What else I am supposed to eat while I sit at my computer doing the devil’s work. I have to ingratiate myself with the Master somehow. Where else is there to go if you get rejected by both above and below.
Thursday
Dear Diary
I think I shall take up contemplating my navel and philosophising on the creation of mankind. I could sit there for hours eating biscuits if I did that. If I stretch a bit my arms can almost go round my tummy and reach my navel. I have to be careful not to squeeze myself because that forces out the gas and I cannot afford to replace the glass in the windows yet again. I am sure that I heard Leafy trump yesterday. I could blame him. His rear end is saggy enough to be the culprit.
(Pink Piggy characters are entirely fictional and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coinicdental).
