Pink Piggy Tales - Episode 6
Pink Piggy Tales
Episode 6 – A Place for a Weary Head
By Christopher Wisherwood et al
Devoted readers I know that you are eager to learn what happened to Sandy and Leafy after they were conned out of their holiday money by the donkey cart driver. Well, they trudged slowly into town and when they arrived at the backpacker’s hotel they were covered in dust, exhausted and viciously angry.
.
Leafy was feeling particularly nasty as one of the wheels had fallen off his lilac Yves St. Laurent case and he had been forced to carry it for the last hundred metres or so. Sandy kept thinking about the beautiful donkey and his anger was totally out of control. He cursed continually between rasping gasps for breath. Shifting his bulk several kilometres had almost tipped him over the edge. ‘Out of control’ is a normal condition for Sandy as nobody who has control over their actions ever gets to his immense size.
.
Sandy hammered on the hotel door. Shock, horror, shiver me timbers, clutch me vitals, start a website with a parody name, kill the Pope, slaughter the innocents, talk to dead parents, do some astral journeying, hang upside down from the rafters, predict the end of the world, report to the Spanish Inquisition (“Oh no not the Spanish Inquisition” – Monty Python fans will understand). The unthinkable had happened. Everyone had gone to bed, including their adoring fan club. They had been locked out and had to face the prospect of spending the night in the street.
.
Devoted readers I know that you now have tears in your eyes at the plight of our duo who are broke and alone without even a blanket. Who will take them in? Is there anybody left in Luxor that they have not threatened in the past? Is there an Egyptian parent who does not hate them for what they have tried to do to their sons? Could they ask anyone on the west bank for shelter? Do they have a friend in the world apart from those inside the hotel? NO.
.
“ I’ll sell myself” coughed Leafy dragging on his last cigarette. He looked up and down the street in hope of getting some sex and a bit of money on the side. “Sell yourself?” questioned Sandy almost laughing despite his foul mood. “How.? To whom? Where? When? Who wants to pay for sex with a balding, pot-bellied queen? At least with me there is a novelty factor. First they have to find the relevant parts. We pay for sex remember that is why we have cases full of MP3 players, mobile phones and porn DVDs” Leafy looked even more bedraggled and crestfallen as his hopes of sex dwindled.
.
“It’s all that Honey Grimsdale’s fault” Sandy continued. “Everything in the world is her fault. I am not responsible for anything. It was her that made me gay. It was her that made me fat. It was her that made me fart all the time and it was her that told my Mum I killed all the neighbourhood cats."
.
Leafy’s ears pricked up. He knew nothing about Sandy and cats. This was new information to him and he thought that he might hear something he could use to his own advantage He put on his cajoling voice and minced towards Sandy. “Tell me more sweetie. I understand. I will help you get even with the dirty old cow”.
.
Sandy softened and hunkered down on the hotel steps not noticing that his large buttocks were hanging over the sides of the step and dragging in the dust. “What did she do to you my poor little lamb?” whispered Leafy trying to put an arm around Sandy’s shoulder and reveal more about his past.
.
Sandy’s bottom lip started to tremble. “She told my Mum that it was me that had killed all the neighbourhood cats and glued their eyes up. It was the truth but she had no right to tell anyone. It was then that my Mum stopped letting me have her titties. I was only fifteen years old and that is far too young for me to suffer the loss of a mother’s breast. Mummy would not look at me again after that. It was then that I started to get fat. Before that I only weighed twenty-five stones.”
"How many cats were there?” asked Leafy who was in a state of shock.
“Only fifty-six” replied Sandy sadly. “The last ones got away”.
“How did you get rid of them?"
“I wrote to Denise Neilson and asked him how he had managed to sluice those boys down the drains. It was when I was cutting up the last cat and was poking it down the loo when the vile old bitch caught me. I threatened to do the same to her but she went straight to my Mum anyway. They were going to lock me up but Ian Brady, Denis Neilson and Peter Sutcliffe gave me a reference so they let me off”.
.
Sandy’s bottom lip trembled even more as he remembered the indignity of being caught in the act by Honey Grimsdale. He clenched his fist and his buttocks to stop the inevitable happening but it was an impossible task A blast fit to demolish a cooling tower emerged from his rear end and noxious gasses filled the street. Leafy passed out again but the noise had one good effect. The step Sandy had been sitting on was shattered but all the hotel windows flew open and the door fell from its hinges. The hotel look like a bomb site but Sandy and Leafy now had a place to sleep. However, the fan club members were so shell shocked that they could not remember why they were in the hotel or who our deviant duo even was. It was now a case of once seen, never remembered.
.
Tomorrow Sandy and Leafy could start thinking of how they could earn some money to live on. Will Sandy open a sex shop in the derelict caravan next to the Karnak graveyard? Will Leafy manage to sell himself or open a brothel and sell others? Will Sandy and Leafy go on an expedition to get some replacement parts for Sandy? Come back tomorrow and find out.
.
The Booker prize is in the bag and we are now hoping for success with the Whitbread Prize of a free pint.
(These tales are not homophobic; adult males can do what they like in private. They are simply tales of warning. They are entirely fictitious and any resemblance to persons male, female, or of indiscernible gender living or dead is completely co-incidental).
