Pink Piggy Extra - Ruby Remembers
Pink Piggy Extras - Ruby Remembers
By Ruby Rasta
I wanna ya all know dat Ruby is a tinkin of ya in dat Luxor, an a promise a doant forget ya. Affa one week when a bin a restin a go an see maa shrink to set maa head straight affa maa brain bin done stretched like nebber afore.
Affa him done roll dem bones and stir dem ashes, maa belly shakin cos him alers hits dat spot. Him black like midnight an come from dat Haiti where dem dig up dem dead for drink afernoon tea. When him turn white a knows a is in deep shit. He doant ask where a bin, him know. ‘Ruby’ him say, ‘Ya as bin mixin wi dem white trash like afore, an a warn ya bout dat. Specially when dem is fat, stinkin and em dem is dat way.’ A preten a doant know what im mean when im say dat way. Ya know what a means him bawl, ‘dem feelins is in dem back door, doant tell me affa all dem years ya paradin up dat Lexington ya doant meet dem’. I tells him “a knows that dem all have dat smell dat doant come from lavender”. As my ol Pal Joey say “thems try to get sweet water from dat foul well and dem little chickens is cold without dem feathers’.
A feelin better now him done him diagnosis. Him put mi on grits and molasses for dis week and him tell Ebenezer him must massage maa ego when a gets a hot flush. A done have more hot flushes dan ya aall have good dinners. Well, a gotta follow dem instructions!
Phoebe done send me email. She fixin to sell up an buy flat in dat West Bank. Lawd, a done shiver maa timbers. A done tell her stay clear a dat femail gangagrab near dat St. George hotel. Beware of dem dragons. Dem is kin to da devil an dat gang is a growin. A warn her, check all dem website an doant give ya business to dem handbag swishers. Dem mouth make crocodile ya best friend. She done tell me she make friend wi Noddy she meet in dat hotel Isis, I tell her she better make friend wi dat Lockness monster a done read about. At least she see him cumin. A tink she must a bin listening to dat Egypt lawyer man who sing dem song on amateur night. Well, ya gotta make a buck when ya scrattin.
Afore a forgets, a done buck up with dat Bimboli when she come cleaning ma room at dat Winter Palace. I doant say she is on her uppers, more like she on her downers. She done finish eatin dem scraps from maa breakfast fasser than dat Leafy bend over every night except February 29th. Dat Sandy him cant bend over cos him too fat to bend anywhere. Dems not like dat scum dat float dems like dem dregs dat sink like shit in dat pisspot.
A pass by dat Simbad gardens an ya doant believe it, dat Du’Stan him still singin ‘Somewhere Over dat Rainbow’. Him gotta long time waitin cos it doant offen rain in dat place and rainbows is as scarce as honesty is to dat Leafy. Leafy an truth dem is strangers. I hear dem is goin dig up dat garden soon, Du’Stan better shift him arse or him goin soon join dat Tutankhamun a done read about.
A doan know why a bin tinkin about ma dear old pappa cos he a long gone dude. A can hear him now a sayin ‘Ruby, dat fanny a yourn gonna get ya in big trouble one day, an fa shure it gonna get ya arrested for provocation.’ Well, all a can say it shure got me a nice pad in dis ere Harlem.
A gotta go now, a feel one a maa hot flushes comin on and dat Ebeneezer soon be a knockin at maa door.
