Pink Piggy Tales
Episode 17 – Sex Gods
By Christopher Wisherwood
Our Pink Piggies were a cheerful bunch right up until they reached the doors of the Police Station. Then their courage wavered. Their mission was to lie about Honey Grimsdale wanting sex with them so that they could get her deported and could take over her flat and her businesses. Now that they were outside the Police Station they were having second thoughts over whether actually entering a police station was really a good idea when their lifestyle was abhorrent to everyone in Egypt.
Leafy had trodden on two cracks in the pavement and had missed tapping three lampposts on the way to the Police station so he had a bad feeling about the whole escapade. Everyone knew that treading on pavement cracks was doom. He crossed his legs as worry got the better of him again and a thin line of urine began to trickle down his leg. "Do you fink Ive catched willy worms Sandy? You know about these fings. Is that why I keep piddling mi pants?"
"You keep piddling yourself because you're an idiot not because you have willy worms" replied Sandy with a viciously enhanced sneer.
Du’Stan was having none of it. He was too close to Rimbads coffee shop to resist temptation and felt the need for a Stella and another rendition of “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” overwhelming him. He tiptoed away and left the other three contemplating their next move and was never seen by them again.
“We can swear that she demanded sex from us. It’s easy” muttered Sandy trying to sound convincing. “All we have to do is open the door, enter and complain to them that there is a sixty-year old sex maniac on the loose. They will arrest her and put her on the next plane home.”
“They’ll believe me” said Leafy removing his baseball cap to scratch his bald patch and then his rearranging his cod piece to scratch his crotch. “cos Im young, ‘andsome and gay”.
“That’s the problem” muttered Sandy “We are all gay and over the hill so will we sound convincing?” Noddy pirouetted again and wore a hole in the tip of his plastic crocodile-skin shoes. Leafy scratched again.
“I fink I might av nits” he said and hauled a white egg from his thinning hair. He squashed it between nails. “and I mite av crabs too. Some of them boys is not very clean”. Sandy looked at him in disgust and wondered if Leafy had touched his towel earlier in the day. Noddy span a bit more it was his way of forgetting things.
Sandy put on a brave face and pushed open the police office door. All three trooped in and stood before the Police Captain. He stared at them in amazement. One was huge and dressed all in black, one was wearing a baseball cap on backwards and was sporting a damp sequined cod piece and the third was spinning wildly.
“What’s the problem” asked the captain politely trying to regain his composure.
“There’s a woman wot wants sex from me” shouted Leafy getting over-excited and jumping up and down. “She said she wood give me presents and stuff and she didn’t do it”
“And she wants sex from me” added Sandy
“And from me” added Noddy who had stopped spinning and was rearranging his carrier bag which was now beginning to sag a bit. The police captain stared in silence for several seconds while the gravity of the accusation sank in.
“She wanted sex with all of you and offered to pay you for it? asked the policeman slowly, seeking confirmation of their complaint.
“That’s rite” said leafy thrusting his damp cod piece towards the police captain. “She cant resist me. I want her thrown out of Luxor. Thers no place ere for womin like er. Im a sex god better than any of them giglios”.
“Are all three of you complaining that someone wanted sex from you and offered to pay you for it?” asked the police captain again.
“Yes” they replied in unison. Sandy sat down on the floor as his knees were beginning to buckle under his weight. “We’ve got six men to swear that she did”.
“So she made advances to all of you in public in front of all these men”
“Yes. That’s what she did. She came into the coffee shop and demanded that she be bent over a table. Throw ‘er out. She is not spectable like me” giggled Leafy imagining himself as a Brad Pitt look alike.
The police captain called his aides into the room and let them read his notes on the complaint form. The aides stared at the form and then again at the captain. They repeated the process and turned to the three visions of loveliness standing in front of them before falling to the floor convulsed with laughter.
“wacher laffing at” asked Leafy feeling less confident. “Are you going to chuck er out? Ive got papers I stoled from er what says she was married to an Hegytiam. Im not married to an Hegyptian. Im married to a man”.
“Clap them in irons” shouted the captain to his aides. “They are trying to make fools of us. He says he is married to a man and they are complaining about a woman wanting sex with them. It’s crazy and it is not April 1st any more”.
“Are you going to put me in jail with a load of men” asked Leafy hopefully. “Can they be boys that you arrested on the Corniche? That would be lovely. Please, pretty please. You can have a lick of my lolly”.
Sandy kicked Leafy hard on the shins and grabbed Noddy before he could start spinning again. The policemen grabbed all of them.
“Ooooooooooooo” yelped Leafy as pain shot up his leg. Handcuffs were quickly snapped on his wrists. “These are not as nice as furry ones. Pink furry ones tickle”
Sandy kicked him again and then farted in fright which blew the Police Office door off it hinges. The Police Captain and his Aides took cover under a large desk and tried unsuccessfully to grab gas masks before they passed out. Sandy made a waddle for it and was legging it down the road making his escape as fast as he could go. Noddy was close behind but Leafy was still handcuffed inside the office.
What will Leafy’s fate be? Will his dreams come true over being shut away with the boys or will he go to a real prison where a fate worse than death might await him. What will the next plot to dispose of Honey Grimsdale be? Tune in again soon to find out.
(Our Pink Piggy Tales are all fictitious and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental).
