Clean-Up-Luxor-Campaign

 PINK PIGGY AUDITIONS

Our Pink Piggy Tales are totally over the top caricatures of men that vary between being stupid and being evil, with evil dominant, and yet there are many contenders for the parts.  From reading our Guestbook it is obvious that people are identifying themselves or others with our fictional miscreants.  Why?  Does it mean that the actions of our own fictional Pink Piggies are recognisable?  Is there a real life  Leafy who threatens and harms people who are supposed to be his friends?  Is there a morbidly obese totally evil obsessive Satanist called Sandy who lives, eats and breathes solely for his next evil deed? 

Nobody without blame would relate themselves to the people and the fictional situations in our tales.  Only the shameless would openly admit, or be proud, that the tales might be based on them.

Pink Piggy Tales are being put together in the form of a comic book, if it was turned into a play we think that there might be a queue around the block to audition for the main roles?  That means we must keep writing the tales to entertain and educate our devoted readers. Our writers are very imaginative so they can, and will,  keep the tales going for years for your delight.

Our new website will be uploaded soon. 

Lots more piggy tales, lots more facts, lots more revelations, lots more fun.  Counteract the damage that some evil men do to Luxor.

 Love Luxor             Love Egypt

Episode 9 - Pink Piggy Tales

A HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVENT

by Christopher Wisherwood et al 

T’was the night before Christmas and all through the house not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse.  Everyone was asleep except Sandy and Sandy was an expert at stirring.  Already, the Christmas tree was up, the turkey was stuffed, 10 kilos of potatoes were roasting in the oven and five dozen mince pies were warming by the fire.   Sandy was ready for Christmas.  He had thought about it for months and was on the point of inviting friends around (ignoring the fact that there were none now that Leafy was dishwashing in Hurghada) but decided it was a bad idea as he needed all the food for himself. 

Both Leafy and Sandy had been invited to a New year Party at the Sheradon but it now it looked like Sandy might have to spend Christmas alone unless Leafy could raise the 25 le bus fare to get back to Luxor.  Leafy’s escapade in Hurghada had gone banana shaped.  He had managed to take the Kebab House from Rissol by pretending to be his friend and then stabbing him in the back (like that cowardly rascal that shot Jesse James), but had then ended up dishwashing when he was caught red handed manhandling the Christmas turkeys. 

And then, dear readers you will never believe it but in desperation our lovelorn Sandy decided to get married.  He had captured a terrified and unsuspecting tourist and had locked him in his bathroom.  It had been an easy capture.  He had offered to create a website for the man at a huge discount, a trap that had been well proven in the past.  When the man came to discuss it, Sandy squashed him into unconsciousness.  Of course, he secretly recorded the event on his MP3 player so that he could savour it in later years.  He was sure that if he drugged his poor captive throughout the wedding then he might be able to boast of having a ‘husband’ of his own to make miserable just like Leafy had a ‘wife’.   

To get ready for this event, our ex-Interpol spy tells us that dear Sandy our pontificating nonce, was seen in the local souk purchasing 250 yards of see through black tulle, 5 kilos of matching sequins, and 172 bobbins of black cotton to put together the gown for him to perform his role as sexiest bride of the year.  Aunty Bimboli offered to take on the monumental task to put Sandy's gown together.  It was to have a neckline that plunged to the navel to reveal all, except of course for THAT missing item (more about that in our next instalment).  The bra to support his pendulous breasts has a tensile steel frame fashioned by Mercedes in Frankfurt and, in an effort to prevent a 'SEISMIC' a butt plug from a dehydrated elephant's trunk is being considered.  This is at Sandy's suggestion as his diabolical farts have a mind of their own, and often he speaks from the same location.  He is now known locally as 'the whore of Babylon' isn't it a scream. 

Leafy, sick of dishwashing, was trying to get back to Luxor for the spectacular event and in an attempt to go up-market had decided to purchase his outfit from Millets that well known English fashion emporium for members of the chav classes.  They specialise in 'camping' gear for the lower chav stratum (the plural is strata for those of our subject's level of intelligence) they already have Leafy’s rapidly expanding measurements on file. It is a pink denim number with a diamante studded codpiece stuffed with local 10 pound notes.  Well, Once a 'boy scout' always a boys scout I say.  Be prepared is their motto. Oh! aren't we simply devastatingly naughty. Well the scumbag deserves it for lacing the vicar’s wine with Spanish Fly.

What about Bimboli, how did she approach this gargantuan task?  Well she had to employ 27 machinists who slaved for three weeks.  I am told fittings were a scream - guess why, naughty, naughty.  Much to Bimboli’s chagrin ('disappointment' for our miscreants benefit), she has been informed that apart from the bride it is to be an all male event - that dear readers has to be swallowed with all the incredulity (look this up in the dictionary) at your command.  There is more testosterone (male sex hormone) in a soft-boiled egg than in the whole of our gang of Mafia wannabees.  I hear that Bimboli as an act of revenge plans to scupper the whole event by presenting herself dressed as a nun in scarlet, singing Ave Marie in Arabic.

After the nuptials those present will be transported to a balcony overlooking Luxor Temple.  Sandy in high heels and Leafy in long pointed shoes, (very suspect according to Freud) along with the comatose groom will depart for the honeymoon on Banana Island, with the compliments of a local benefactress who they have all milked for money at one time or another.  (Devoted readers are you questioning Leafy’s presence on the honeymoon?  Answers as to why he is there on a postcard please.) 

Incidentally, the elephant's trunk backfired at the first fitting and with all that gas under so much material Sandy soared into the air like a giant hot air balloon.  He had floated all the way over the river towards the Valley of the Kings before he came to land. Astronomers were astounded at the unexpected total eclipse of the sun that occurred as Sandy drifted past.   For the kind hearted among our readers, you can visit him at the local charity hospital between the hours of 1 and 2 a.m.  Gas masks will be provided along with a cup of Earl Grey tea and a Marie biscuit.   The Doctors have been cajoled ('coaxed' for Leafy’s benefit) into perpetrating all kinds of mischievous, yet innocent tortures on our hapless hermaphrodite. Fortunately the captive’s real wife heard his cries for help coming from the bathroom window of a flat near the Sheradon and she had the door broken down to release him.  He was, however, a broken man.  Sandy had subjected him to a bear hug before the bathroom key was turned and had cracked all of his ribs. 

The fairy on the top of Sandy’s Christmas Tree breathed a sigh of relief and settled down to talk to Santa’s reindeers safe in the knowledge that as Sandy was going to be out of commission for a while, that she as safe from his affections.  The donkey at the bottom of the tree could not believe his luck and celebrated by getting drunk with the reindeer.  Satan went on holiday.

Just as a little titillation, our next instalment has our trio arriving in Africa, and you'll never guess why.   Despite Enid Blyton turning over we consider our articles to be of major importance to our understanding of middle-aged crisis in Luxor’s Gay Mafia.   

All characters and events in the tales are fictitious and any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental.  Apologies to Enid Blyton and Jesse James.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

We would like to wish all our devoted readers and fans of the Pink Piggy Tales a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.  We promise that our hapless pair of pink piggies will have lots of company and lots of adventures in 2008. 

Our campaign is not to tell the police their job, they already do an excellent job of keeping the worst excesses of Luxor's paedophiles under control and we have offered constant praise for them.  Our campaign is simply to remind you of your part in making their job easier by reporting the things that the evil perpertrators think are hidden. 

Luxor is a wonderful place to visit and its antiquities are beyond comparison.  Our aim is to discourage those who come to abuse Luxor's youths not those wonderful people who come to enjoy its past and its culture. 

Episode 8 – Pink Piggy Tales

 Sandy’s New Cunning Plan

By Christopher Wisherwood et al

Sandy sat on an overturned gravestone and surveyed the devastation around him.  There was a loud crack as the gravestone disintegrated and Sandy found himself sitting on top of a coffin.  He made himself more comfortable and tried to talk to the coffin’s occupant but he was met with deathly silence.  In desperation he slipped his hand inside his shirt and rummaged among the rolls of fat to find the effigy of Leafy that he always carried with him.  He twisted one of the pins that stuck out of its chest and tightened the noose around its neck. 

In Hurghada, Leafy puffed hard on another cigarette, grabbed his throat and coughed until he wet himself.  He was about to pull the latest love of his life at a downtown disco and started to cry at the humiliation as the wet patch spread across his new spangled lilac undies..  “How dare Leafy leave me here”, Sandy thought but released pressure on the noose.  A vicious gleam appeared in his pink piggy eyes as he vowed to get even.  Sandy always got even.  When Leafy got back he would sit on him and squeeze all life from his body.  Sandy’s other spirits had deserted him but Leafy would never leave him once he was dead.

Just ten minutes earlier, Sandy was in the middle of eating his fifteenth hamburger when disaster struck.  The anticipation of eating the sixteenth burger (which devoted readers was the one with mayonnaise on it) had been too much for him and another seismic had slipped from between his buttocks.  Immediately the door flew open and the windows blew out but in was not for a few more seconds that the walls fell outwards like a badly put together flat pack from a DIY store.  Sandy was now homeless as well as penniless and almost friendless.  (Poor Sandy.  I know that all readers are now on their third box of tissues).

The problem of Sandy’s lack of communication with his spirits and the complexity of his alter egos had not gone away but he had to sort it out before he had any chance of conning people out of their hard earned money.  He was sure that he could make a fortune through his Dial-a-Physic site if he put all his fees in dollars.  The English were a suspicious race but perhaps the Americans would fall for his scam if he told them he lived by the side of the Nile instead of in Karnak graveyard.  

Sandy started to count his friends but that only took a couple of seconds as there were very few of them.  There was Aunty Bimboli Bolt but she was of little help.  She was a Bet Lynch look-alike, aggressive ex-football hooligan from Leeds who liked being beaten up by rough trade.  BB saw herself as a remodelled Bridget Bardot but it was illusion as she did not have the looks for it.  She was more Billy Bunter but without the intellect so Betty Boop was more in her line.  However, although she was as thick as a brick she was not so thick that she would send Sandy money.  There was Leafy of course, he was not as thick as Bimboli but he had already absconded to Hurghada.  A tear coursed its way down Sandy’s face leaving a pink trail on his dirty face.

Sandy had to rely on himself.  He only dealt in FACTS not truths.  In his opinion FACTS were what it was all about.  In his opinion Truths were too painful to enter his world.  Truths made you face reality but FACTS (Falsehoods, Accusations, Cheating, Threats and Satanism) could be altered to please and were what Sandy survived on.  He had endless court cases to prove it.  In FACT most of his life had been spent dreaming up court cases.  His latest one was against Victor Meldrew for being more miserable than he was.  The one against Myra Hindley for being deadlier than him had to be shelved when she had the audacity to die in prison before the case could be heard. He would get even with her too.  He had a case against everyone who did not lie down and die when he told them to. In his opinion they should do as he ordered and deserved all they got for disobeying him.

The first identity to be dealt with was his latest one, Sandy Firenicks.  It was not his real name of course.  Sandy had in FACT almost forgotten who he really was.  Maybe the day would arrive when it was all revealed but that was still to come.  So who did that leave?  Who were the major players in Sandy’s multi faceted life?

Sandy Firenicks – Liar, fraud, thief, fantasist, slanderer, con artist, pervert, compulsive eater, charlatan, Satanist, voodoo practitioner,effigy maker, quack clairvoyant, sociopath, law evader, bogus case starter, charity swindler, blackmailer, extortionist, stealer of kid's sweeties, popper of kid's balloons, destroyer of kid's futures, seismic farter, necrophiliac and donkey lover but not a bigamist.  He was definitely not a bigamist because the nearest he ever got to a bride was being a bridesmaid at Leafy’s wedding to Dee a transvestite dipso from Amsterdam’s red light area.  Sandy was jealous of Dee’s new frock an had poured wine down it.  Leafy was angry and cried again.

Mandy Peanuts – con artist and expert filth thrower with a very vivid imagination.

Amen Mustav – Talks to the dead but practises first with the brain dead.  Aunty Bimboli was his first guinea pig.  Runs a defunct Dial-a-fortune-teller site.

Loobaloo – Runs a firm called Rent-A-Thug.  (Leafy acts as Training Officer as he is ex SAS – Silly Arse Squad).  Banging on doors and running away, bunging up door locks and cutting telephone wires is the speciality.

E.J. Eyesore –   Poison keyboard manipulator.  Lucretia Borgia is her heroine.

LSGiza – Responsible for advertising hijacked websites on forums.  Headquarters H M Prison, LieAll,   LieAll is a women’s prison in Cheshire which accepts hermaphrodites under duress.

Kushydeal – Fall back alter-ego that sometimes boosts Sandy’s fragile sense of self worth.  Leader of a whole group of personalities who can be called upon at will.  Stayinbed acts as a lieutenant.

Sandy felt the beginnings of a smile creep across his pudgy face and headed for the remains of his fridge.  There was another gallon of ice-cream in there somewhere that he could eat.  That would cheer him up.  Eating made him think more clearly.  He did a lot of thinking and a lot of eating.  In FACT he ate enough in one day to keep an entire family for a month.  He was proud of that because he was “Worth It”; they were not.  He found the ice cream quickly and stuck his fingers into the rapidly melting goo.  It trickled down his chin much to the delight of the flies that followed him about.

It had occurred to him that instead of getting rid of his alter-egos he could utilise them all.  A cunning plan formed in his head.  (Move over Baldric).   LSGiza could find websites and forums to advertise on, knowingly or otherwise.  EgyptLurch was a well known publishing house that welcomed cranks whereas EgyptGlad was more fussy about who it dealt with.  Mandy could advertise herself on the Dial-a-Physic site.  She would be able to diagnose problems over the phone such as flatulence diagnosed from heavy breathing, ruptures diagnosed by listening to a cough, and STDs diagnosed by listening to a sniff.  Just think of it; she could promise that AIDS would vanish in an instant just by sniffing and quoting credit card details.  Mandy had already had success by prescribing 2 Alka Seltzer, at breakfast, 2 Rennies at lunch and 2 Viagra at dinner, as these seemed to cure most things.  Amen Mustav could advertise himself under Dial-a-Fortune Teller.  Prospective clients would be told to place palms over the mouthpiece of the telephone to get a palm reading.  He could then visualise how the life line ran.  Kushydeal could read Tarot cards over the phone by holding his breath until he got light-headed and his voice wavered.  That way, clients would think he had gone into a trance.  E.J. Eyesore could send messages to anyone who opposed Sandy or caught him with his fingers in the till and then Loobaloo could send Leafy’s trainee thugs round to terrorise them.  (OAPs a speciality and done over at a discount).

Sandy rummaged through the remains of the caravan for his upside down cross.  Satan would love his initiative and would reward him handsomely. If he did not then Satan had better look out because Sandy always got even.  He would start another website.  www.Satan-Exposed-As-A-Softie.com   In the depths of the fires Satan cringed then threw up.  With Sandy’s size there would be no room left in hell for decent demons to move about.  Satan slipped into depression and swallowed some Prozac.  Sandy renewed his vows to get even with the powers of the Universe..

Devoted readers what is to happen next?  After some initial success in Hurghada, Leafy’s activities suffer when opposed by people with IQ in double figures.  Will he return to Luxor?  Will there be yet more Gay sites designed to corrupt Luxor’s youth?    Will Sandy get even with everyone?  Will Satan stop throwing up at the thought of him and learn to love him?  Tune in soon and find out. 

All characters in these tales are fictitious and any resemblance to persons living or dead is entirely coincidental.   

Pink Piggy Takes are brought back yet again by popular demand.  Please enjoy the humour of the tales but always remember that Luxor is a wonderful place to live and visit but is often marred by the actions of people who should always remember that they are guests in Egypt and should abide by its laws and customs. 

Abusing minors is against the law, talking to the dead and telling fortunes is against Christianity, Islam and all organised religions. 

LOVE LUXOR     LOVE EGYPT

RESPECT ITS CUSTOMS AND ITS LAWS 

Note from a committee member 

With reference to the Guestbook, some totally irrelevant abuse has been uploaded purely to indicate some of the problems we face from those obviously opposed to the campaign for whatever reasons of their own.  However it is not the purpose of the Guestbook to provide a platform for such abuse, there is already an Egypt related forum only too willing to promote one-sided attacks under a heading to which the content bears no relation.

Constructive negative comments will of course be uploaded and make public.

Coming Soon.  Look out for details of our new website where all will be revealed.

Love Luxor.  Love Egypt.

Pink Piggy Tales

After the mass exodus of their amnesiac fan club, Leafy and Sandy found themselves alone in the ruins of the backpacker hotel.  Leafy could not stand the dust which kept settling on his baseball cap and had even started wearing it sideways at an angle hoping that the dust would slide off.  All to no avail, his sequins still refused to sparkle and he closely resembled a relic from Cairo Museum.  Even his one remaining 20 le note looked bedraggled and had lost its lure.

Desperate for the money to buy a new moped Leafy quickly fled to Hurghada where he planned to take a Kebab House off his unsuspecting best friend Rissol.  He was sure that he could swindle enough money from Rissol to not only buy a new moped but to get a flat and buy all the young love he needed.  He was a practised thief and had robbed Rissol several times before.  He knew it would work.  Hurghada was the place for him.  When the bus pulled out of the bus station Leafy was rubbing his hands with glee while mentally choosing the colour of his new transport.  Mafia bosses always had transport to fire their pop guns from and he needed to improve his street cred.  (Devoted readers we know you are waiting with bated breath but you can read more about Leafy’s adventures in Hurghada in Episode 9).

Leafy’s defection left Sandy not only deviant and desolate, but destitute, depressed and desperate enough to try anything to raise money.  In his distant past he had fancied himself as a clairvoyant but had been exposed as a charlatan by the Reverend Truthandhonour from the Spiritualist church in Clapham Junction.  In rage Sandy started stealing from church collection boxes and then he turned to Satanism after realising that he had committed all of the deadly sins, (gluttony and sloth repeatedly), and broken all of the ten commandments except coveting his neighbour’s wife (the ox did not escape his attentions).  To praise his new master, he formed a coven of witches with his ‘friends’ from the Night Shelter to whom he promised bottles of meths for their co-operation.  His glory was short lived.  Within days it was closed down by Green Peace after the group’s naked dancing in the local woods upset all the wildlife and caused the leaves to fall off the trees. 

His faithfulness to his hellish master was absolute and unshakable.  Never had he felt in more congenial company than with those who were also damned.  His addiction to black clothing and his adoption of a large hairy spider as his mascot sealed the deal although Satan was a bit iffy about it all.  Sandy was not brave enough to outwardly display an upside down cross so he kept it safely hidden in his voluminous blouse along with an effigy of Leafy which had a noose around its neck and pins sticking out of its chest. 

He left the ruins of the backpacker’s hotel immediately after Leafy’s bus to Hurghada had pulled out of the bus station.  Needing, to be close to the dead (so that he could communicate with them more easily), Sandy moved into a derelict caravan near the English cemetery in Karnak.  First he had tried the Egyptian cemetery but quickly gave up as his Arabic was not good enough to understand Luxor’s own ghosts.  (Chinese clients please note that he does not speak oriental languages either and so cannot assist you in reaching your dead relatives).

With the use of the Dirty Old Woman’s laptop that he had snatched at the airport, he got his Dial-a-Physic site up and running within days but it was lacking in success despite being illegally attached to the site of  a well-known drinks company (Fanta-sist).  Of course, he denied that he had done this despite Fanta-sist having hard copy proof of his misdeeds.  The woman had reported the theft to the police but Sandy counter charged with an accusation of bigamy in the hope of having her deported.  Finding himself laughed at yet again, Sandy had hidden the laptop in the folds of his fat, rolled on the floor in a fake fit, cried buckets of crocodile tears and denied that he had ever met the woman before.

He had tried to buy himself a book on being a Psychic but had inadvertently bought “Teach yourself Physics” and was confounded by Newton’s Laws of Motion.  He knew that he had motions regularly five times each day as his overworked digestive system evacuated its waste, but the Third law which dealt with equal and opposite reactions terrified him.  Surely someone was not going to try and push it all back inside him again.  If all those seismic eruptions were forced back in then he would explode.  The experience left him permanently confused over whether he was Dial-a-Physic, Dial-a-Psychic or Dial-a-Psychotic.

Back in his caravan, Sandy sat and pondered why he still had communication problems with his spirits.  Had even Satan deserted him?  Was he truly alone?  (Devoted readers you are allowed to cry in sympathy).  Why were his beyond the grave mentors not speaking to him?  Was it because they had caught him secretly recording three-way conversations between himself, Napoleon and Joan of Arc.?  He doubted it as he seldom said anything worth remembering so the recording should not upset anybody mainly because it was all in his imagination.

Suddenly there was a loud ringing of bells and yelling sounds.  Had one of his astral guides broken through?  NO.  It was just the local gas seller banging on the canisters to announce his presence.  Sandy slumped in disappointment and the caravan tilted wildly with the shift of weight.  However, all was not lost.  In a flash of insight he knew that the problem was his multiple identities.  How could his beyond the grave guides get in touch with him when they did not know who he was?  Sandy started forming a list of his alter egos to see if he could reach the root of his identity crisis.

Who are Sandy’s alter egos?  What part does Mandy Peanuts, Bimboli Bolt, E. J. Eyesore, Amen Mustav, Loobaloo and LSGiza, play in Sandy’s miserable life?  Will Leafy succeed in taking yet another Kebab House from Rissol?  Tune in again soon and find out.

The Pink Piggy Tales are back by popular demand.  The latest adventures of our fictional pair are laid bare.  While reading them please consider the reason for their being here.  Love Luxor and protect its youth.  Report all cases of theft, violence and abuse of minors to the Police.  We are all guests in Egypt and must treat it with respect. 

Again we stress that our characters are purely fictional.  Any resemblance to anyone living or dead is purely coincidental.

Note from a committee member 

Use of the hi-jacked word ‘gay’ somehow suggests the word ‘homosexual’ is slightly shameful.  The ‘accusation’ of homophobia implies that this also is shameful as indeed it is so considered by part of western Christian society.  Most of the world’s peoples, however, would not agree and therefore stand accused, along with the whole Egyptian nation.

This site has nothing to do with the rights or wrongs of homosexuality, or the shamefulness or otherwise of homophobia.  It is to draw attention to the abuse of minors, and in this it seems to be successful even if it does provide a platform through its Guestbook for people with vested interests to pour abuse and scorn.

As a footnote, we fail to understand what on earth the site has to do with charities. (Guestbook entry from 'Another Guest' Dec 6) and for an anonymous guest to comment on the anonymous committee beggars belief ('Everyone Knows' Dec 3rd)..