Clean Up Luxor Campaign
Episode One - Sandy Firenicks and Ebay Leafy pack their bags and head for Luxor - by Christopher Wisherwood
Sandy Firenicks and Ebay Leafy are great friends from Burnley, Lancs in good old England the 51st State of the US of A. Sandy is an expert in psychobabble that he learnt from the Ladybird Book of Fooling Friends. He specialises in treating mental aberrations. He is a recognised expert in the field, the advantage he had over other practitioners is that he suffered from most of the symptoms himself. He once did a stint as a Music Hall act getting messages from beyond the grave but was thrown out of the Psychics Guilds when they found the earphones from his mobile phone which had been secreted between his massive buttocks. (The equivalent of talking out of his arse).
Ebay Leafy’s background was rather more mundane. (He tried to deny it but the Ebay tag came from him always going to the highest bidder). He first met Sandy when he needed treatment after falling off the big wheel at the fairground where he was employed as a cleaner. Having spent most of his life on his knees, Leafy had trouble viewing the world from its normal angle. He was afraid of heights and was also suffering from battered wife syndrome as his ex-husband Manic Malcolm kept beating him and made him lie on the floor like a dog. This had almost driven Leafy barking mad. Poor Leafy was there no hope? His other friends were in prison for ‘fiddling’ while Burnley burned. All treatment failed. In fact, Sandy had to go on a refresher course to regain his previous precarious mental instability, so important in his field.
However, this meeting of strained mentalities, caused by their brains being located where their haunches are, founded a friendship that, to quote Socrates, would be blessed. Leafy started business as a trainee tailor. His ability to 'size' without a tape measure was legendary and most of the males around were queuing to be measured by an expert. He specialised in what is known in the tailoring business as 'outsizes.' One could call it a branch of hands on mental arithmetic and it meant that he could get back on his knees again.
He also did a spell as a DJ for a while. Not a disk jockey as he liked to tell people but as Deputy Janitor at the HSBC. Not the bank but merely the Home for Sexually Bewildered Cranks. He felt comfortable and at home there himself and was very upset when he was dismissed after being found in a compromising position with the Home’s canine mascot.
Sandy and Leafy had read about Luxor on the internet and hand in hand had visited it several times before making the decision to move there. One had actually set up a site seeking Gay Friends in Luxor preferably among the younger generation but, forgetting that most of the boys on the Corniche could not read English, had not had much success. Please say ahhhhhhhhhhhh poor Leafy.
Surely if they came to Luxor they could make a living and reap the fruits of Luxor’s youth at the same time. All they would have to do is wave a 20 le note about and touch their toes then they would enter Nirvana. They would lose their benefits by leaving the UK but if they were careful they could still claim housing benefit as many other dodgers did.
Both were experts in designing websites. A skill which had been learned while they were detained at her majesty’s pleasure after being caught soliciting in the toilets at Liverpool Street Station after attending a Gay Pride Rally. They quickly realised that there was money to be made in Luxor simply by ripping people off. They could even make money by blackmail and then demolishing people’s reputations when they did not pay up. If that failed they could get their pleasure by hiding in the bushes and screaming abuse at people that passed by feeling safe in the knowledge that nobody would know who they were. Sadly they kept forgetting that they were both gay and that their activities were illegal in Egypt. The Tourist Police kept turning a blind eye but the Secret Police were not so blinkered and would watch them.
If all else failed, instead of working for a living, Leafy could play the little boy act and get some old lady to be his sugar mummy and pay all his bills. If he was really clever he might even get her to house him and lend him barrow loads of money which he would never pay back. If that failed, they could arrange gay tours through the Internet and open a male brothel. They gleefully rubbed their hands, and lower parts, at the thought. Sandy got so excited at the prospect of wearing a diamante G string and wielding a whip that he emitted a loud fart, which he always did at crucial moments in his life. A green fog spread around the room and Leafy choked but they already knew that there were enough destitute youths in Luxor to service their schemes and pander to all tastes. All they had to do was fill their suitcases with mobile phones to tempt the boys away from their families and into a life of depravity. Sandy quivered with expectation and farted again. Leafy fainted.
The excitement was too great. As soon as Leafy regained consciousness they booked their tickets and packed their cases ready to fly out from Manchester airport.
Make sure you read our next instalment when Sandy gets trapped in the toilet seat on Flight BA69 on their flight to Luxor and Leafy insists on measuring the stewards. What awaits two frustrated and aged gay men on their arrival? Will their friend Julian be there waiting for them? Watch this space.
(This is not a homophobic site. Consenting adults are free to live their own lives as they please and do so in peace and tranquillity with the blessing of the Campaign Group. This site merely aims to Clean Up Luxor from those that prey on its youth. The tales told are totally fictional and any resemblance to people living or dead is purely coincidental.)