Bungang Araw

Wanna know the reason why the Police took a long time to release the result of their very thorough investigation as to the exact origin of the Glorietta Mall Blast?

It was because of the pressure that they got from the Special Agents of the FBI who helped them gather the pieces of evidence in the blast site and want the report suppressed until they got clearance from their superiors in Quantico.

But the PNP Leadership in a rare show of defiance to Uncle Sam and probably bitten by the Patriotic Bug, released the result of their investigation anyway since they were afraid of the consequences that their findings will do to the lives of the more than 90 million Filipinos living here and abroad.

The PNP Leadership doesn’t want themselves to be caught literally and figuratively with their pants- down especially when it comes to National Security. They have learned their lessons from past experiences when all kinds of crap were thrown at them from all angles by angry Filipinos for every major Poop- pas (read- faux pas) that they committed . They want to redeem their image and the trust of the crappy Pinoy Nation.

And so they did the unthinkable and revealed that the explosion in Glorietta Mall was the result of methane gas accumulation in the basement of the high- end mall.

Since methane gas was found to be the primary culprit, Western Scientists and Terrorist Mad Doctors are now looking into the matter with rabid determination on how they overlooked this gas in the past and are now working double-time in an insane race to produce the newest and most destructive kind of weapon of mass destruction known to man.

And we all know that methane can be found in sh*t and it doesn’t help us Pinoys that the PNP ruled that the blast originated from a septic tank in the ground floor of the mall. It speaks volumes about the secret activities of the Zobel de Ayalas as well as about US.

In fact, now and more than ever, Filipinos are now being analyzed and scrutinized all over the world--From boarding an airplane to going to the bathroom to shopping in supermarkets to dining in restaurants to our ethnic diets to every aspect of our daily gossiping lives, you can bet that Big Brother is watching our every move.

Suddenly the world took notice and is now on red alert, foreign governments now have drawn secret protocols to deal with all the Filipinos comings and goings in their respective countries. This is the dawning of a new age where the New World Order is now secretly called The Filipino Watch.

The recent kidnapping of 8 Filipino sailors by Somali Pirates is just the latest proof of these. For years these lawless elements were just contented on preying on small- time fishermen until one fateful day this year and now wants to join the ever- growing bandwagon. Thanks to satellite TV and the ever- present Media conglomerates.

They accidentally learned about the news in one of those daring raids they have mastered bordering on perfection, in this particular case on MV Yellow Submarine, a Liberian- registered fishing vessel in the high seas. The leader of the pirates while attending to a call of nature in the Captain’s Cabin was able to watch the hyperactive CNN correspondent reporting about the explosion in Makati City, in the Philippines.

He had an epiphany and decided to plunge into action when the chance arises. They know from experience that Filipino Seafarers inhabit the Seven Seas and so they seized the first ship that they saw and loo and behold got what they wanted.

Rumors has it that the Pinoy Crew Members were released unharmed not because the Philippine government paid ransom or one of the Superpowers threatened them to kingdom come. They were freed only after having all 8 of them Pinoy Seamen in their months of captivity somewhere in the Indian Ocean to take a sh*t in specialized containers complete with vacuum sealed covers that they’re planning to ship and sell to Iran wherein the present regime will run a test on the promise of this new material. It will also help in the process diffuse the flak the Iranians are getting nowadays because of their nuclear ambition in the volatile Middle East. Iran now thinks that they can ease the pressure by switching from a nuclear program to a new source of raw energy.

Even Japan who once upon a time sent a lot of container vans full of sh*t (e.g. adult & baby diapers) to the Philippines wants us to return the favor. The government should look into this and it’s probably in the recent Japan- Philippine Economic Partnership Agreement (JPEPA) proposals that they submitted. We should take advantage of this opportunity since its not easy to give the Japanese a lot of sh*t and be paid for it in the process. But expect the usual crap and opposition from the traditional Left like Ka Satur and his cohorts in the House of Representatives since they will say it will be disadvantageous for us selling our national treasures to Japanese Imperialists.

By the way, the Japanese are looking into testing and using our sh*ts as a valid alternative to the volatile nuclear wastes that they import and recycle from France to power their Industries as they take on the world in the next century.

But the French are not bitter about this since they know that they can sell more perfumes to the world because of this development. They just sigh in very Frenchy fashion and indifference to let them Japs have their sh*t and .....

In fact to the glee of the GMA administration, the French Government in cooperation with the House of Dior is in the process of donating thousands of surplus designer portable toilets to the Philippines that will help many Filipinos in the countryside who has no access to decent potty chairs while performing their daily rituals.

Our Spratly Islands playmate, China is still trying to figure out on how it seem that Pinoy sh*t have more power than Chinese sh*t. They’re doing some nerve- wracking experiments in Guandong on some hapless political prisoners as guinea pigs on why a diet of 3Bs (Balut, Betamax and Bagoong ) is more explosive than all the exotic ingredients that is the staple of Chinese Cuisine combined.

In fact, some enterprising Chinese are now manufacturing fake materials in knock-offs Abaca- laced aluminum drums labeled Pilipino Scraps in Szechuan for export to third world countries.

So, the modern Chinese Philosophy that if you can’t join ‘em, fake ‘em prevails, in this case. It is the Tao, the New Way of getting even with an upstart like the Philippines shaming a country that has prided itself of being the center of civilization that dates back to thousand of years.

The Arab Countries are also now worried and have issued edicts and decrees that all Filipinos toiling in the desert are obligated to take their shit in specialized crap bags to be handed over to the elements of their State Security every morning before they go to work in their vast oil fields. They’re actually doing everything in the labs find a way to sabotage the economic potential of the Pinoy Crap that will put the OPEC out of business with help from former East German and Soviet Scientists in their employ.

The Royal Houses are also wary of the priceless Pinoy crap falling into the wrong hands and have now imposed curfews on Filipinos working in their Kingdoms, Sultanates and Emirates since the CIA have uncovered documents in Iraq and Afghanistan that pertains to Osama Bin Ladin’s order to all Al Qaeda members to look, find and spirit away every Juan, Pedro and Andres that they could find wandering the sandy streets at night into the secret confines of their hideouts in the arid Arabian Deserts.

Reports coming from the sources of CNN veteran reporter Cra(p)stiane Amanfart that the terrorists are now studying the possibilities of making a more powerful alternative to the current Improvised Explosive Devices (IEDs) that they manufacture and use against the US- led Forces in Iraq that made many people in the White House’s Comfort Rooms uneasy. They’re testing a hybrid form of combining Camel’s droppings to the Pinoy poop.

The US Army are taking these reports seriously and are now conducting tests in their secret underground testing grounds in the Nevada Desert of the same materials that were scooped by their agents posing as Handymen from various Filipino Immigrants Households in Continental America. NASA Scientists have revealed that this Flip materials could fuel the sending manned space missions to some galaxies far, far away.

Even the Department of Homeland Security now has a directive that was recently relayed to the US Embassy in Manila that as a precondition of granting US Visas to Filipino applicants, they were made to swear under pain of revocation of their papers that they will have to empty their bowels first before boarding any aircraft bound for the United States as well as refrain from bringing materials into the US that can be use in the making of these potentially dangerous explosives. This did not sit well to many Filipino Tuyo, Balut and Bagoong smugglers.

From the looks of it, the Filipino sh*t due to its high - grade power potential and promising capabilities, is now a prized commodities in all the legal and illegal markets of the world. I now dare say, that the Pinoy’s sh*t is now the new uranium/ plutonium that will power the world to the future. It is now considered to be the new “gold” standard where all precious things will be measured.

The PNP investigators without them knowing it have just started the ball rolling for the world to engage in a dangerous poop race. Now, everybody wants a piece of us, yes everybody wants a piece of our sh*t.

And by that, I say, that when it comes to B-Shiting, WE Filipinos are up there with the best.

 

Note: Sunburned on December 26, 2007 @ bill blahs

Yes, it was a great show indeed, the attempted power- grab headlined by aspiring action- drama star Senator Antonio Trillanes IV and his sidekick cashiered Brig. Gen. Danilo Lim at the Manila Peninsula Hotel in the Philippines’ Financial district last Thursday morning.

It began as a promising day of film shoot in a very nice location for them, complete with a script that will give Hollywood movies a run for their money; From the synchronized court room walkout to their dramatic march under the rain towards their objective in Makati , ably backed by a supporting cast of personalities from the Left, Right, Clergy, Civil Society and even the Senior Citizenry.

Their fans applauded on the sidelines as every thing seems to be working according to plan and the show is destined to be a box office hit with no less than a glorious romp in the mecca of make believe that is Malacanang as a fitting award.

The supporting casts were no pushovers either. They were the crème de la crème of the political fantasy world--

--Characters like JV Bautista, Argee Guevara, Ex- VP Teofisto Guingona, Bibeth Orteza, Linggoy Alcuaz, Former UP President Dodong Nemenzo, Herman Tiu Laurel, Day Olaguer- Montayre, Eillen Tordesillas, Fr. Robert Reyes and Bishop Julio Labayen just to name a few who once upon a time were from the opposite ends of the political spectrum and normally do not see eye-to- eye with each other but have now joined forces and have put their great minds together in this epic production for a shot at full stardom and the ultimate prize of being on top of the Filipino pecking order.

Yes Sirs and Mesdames, way up there over the heads of ordinary Filipinos like you and me who they deemed were not bright enough and enlightened enough to know and understand the real state of the nation.

You see, these sort of characters and clowns who fashioned themselves as worthy alternative to the tenant of that big house by the Pasig River were themselves a bunch of shameless shams. They are forever part of the so- called elite circle of patriotic Flips planning and producing one telenovela after another from the time the real Macoy was flown into Hawaii, USA instead of Paoay in Ilocandia by the US Navy Pilots who misheard (he-he) the former for the latter to the present height (oops, no pun intended) of the Gloria administration.

And mind you, knowing the extent of the knowledge of geography by the Americans where about 4 in 5 of its citizens can't even find their great nation on a map, I am not surprised at all on why the late strongman in his moment of weakness in '86 was spirited out of the country to do the Hula instead of being brought to the waiting arms of his Genuine Ilocanos up north to sing his favorite Pamulinawen.

By the way, these elite circle members whose track records can speak volumes about their nature and true colors will not stop until the day they die of trying to achieve their long cherished dream of subjugating the beautiful people of the 7, 107 islands nation to their corrupted version of the gospel.

Well, Get Rich or Die Tryin' eh? Rapper 50- cent proved that it can be done in the HipHopDom, so the logic goes that it can also be done in FlipDom- Not!

I am not a fan of PGMA but I would rather have her at the helm of the nation than these cretins and the shadowy group that they represent. That old Maoist doctrine that power comes from the barrel of the gun doesn’t hold water to me as well as to the millions of Filipinos time and again.

Otherwise those who have attempted and tried the same tactics in the past would have succeeded by now. I say, you can say anything and everything about our failures and shortcomings as a race but Filipinos don’t tolerate Utak- Pulburas in our midst.

These political junkies masquerading as saviors of the unenlightened Filipinos have once again done a great disservice to our country by resorting to this kind of blind adventurism obviously without thinking of the consequences of their actions to the lives of the long suffering population who are already burdened by their daily struggle to eke a living. They once again have done things that will cause havoc to our already stagnant economy just to advance their own naked interests.

Anyway, nobody else could have written a better script fit for the silver screen that could have earned a huge payback in the end. What with a young disgruntled ex- soldier that was catapulted to the Senate by virtue of the 11 million votes he got from the “intelligent” Pinoy voters in the lead role and a "charismatic" West Point graduate and a former Commanding General of the elite Scout Rangers as his sidekick, they can do no wrong or so it seems.

It was a surefire formula for a blockbuster that was supposed to break all the existing records of Philippines Cinema if you ask me. But the beautiful script received an “X” rating from the hands of the board of censors to the horrors of the writers, actors and producers alike.

And so the action- thriller was hastily re-written by the local enforcers that contributed to the unexpected ending that turned a promising action- thriller into a trashy comedy that will put Enteng Kabisote and his minions to shame.

It was a laughable act indeed by Trillanes, Lim and company from the political point of view but the damage to the economy and our already bad reputation abroad as a people was no laughing matter.

And there lies the rub.


It’s a good thing though that the authorities were determined to end the comedy of errors the shortest possible time and handled the situation quite well, the Media’s whining and grumbling notwithstanding.

Actually, the straight shooters in the PNP have done us a great service by sparing us, kibitzers, the agony of having to sit down in front of the idiot box for hours and hours of non- action while trying to laugh at the stale one- liners that these comedians spit from their mouths from time to time.

Long the butt of jokes by the citizenry for being Pulis- Patolas, they should be commended this time for sparing us from that frequent trips to the toilet or for preventing us from having horrible hemorrhoidal eruptions or even experiencing nasty cases of flatulence in the end.

I just hope that these comedians should be taken to task for their misadventures. We don’t need these loonies roaming around town. They should be taken back to the Looney House where they could sing their Looney Tunes till kingdom come without bothering anyone. And throw the keys away for good measure. I’m sure the Philippines will be better off without them.

Oops, please excuse me while I go to the loo.

 

Note: Kinamot mula sa blog ni Bill Blahs. Sunburned on November 30, 2007