AkudanKau

Mood: blue-ish?

to lovely ly..

Honestly, I was (maybe still am) a bit confused.

For the first time since I have known you, I get this uncomfortable feeling of being misconstrued.
It was like being struck by a lightening.
"Oh dear me, how far have my gestures been misinterpreted?"

I thought I needed to sleep on it before writing it down and letting you read it.
But somehow I also thought it would be better to get it all out in the open to avoid anymore misunderstandings.
Our friendship is far too priceless to be put at such stakes.

And I am sure it was only a misunderstanding, due to womans hormonal changes..

We've had plenty conversations, haven't we?
The meaningful ones and well.. not so.. too
(let's admit it, sometimes we are just yapping!)

But yesterday, it got rather personal.
Do not get me wrong.
This one was only about you and I.
(Noone else was involved!)

Do you remember the moment before I signed out?
You were telling me that you probably would not be able to go online for a chat as often.
Thinking you were being serious about it, I only said it's ok.
I said, 'first things first'.
(If that's the case, I appreciate it anyway.)
And you commented on how easy it was for me to respond just like that?

Strangely, it gave me an itch!
There's no reply for you but there were seconds when I wondered of how you would have wanted me to respond?
I mean, I trully understood if (!) in fact, you wouldn't be able to chat with me like you usually do so far.
I would miss you, but it wouldn't be a bad thing, would it?

I couldn't be honest with you at that moment, I was a little bit hurt.
Were you teasing me?
I never knew.
(and if you were, then my apologies for misunderstanding this!)

That is why I said to you that I needed to digest it before actually telling you because I don't want to be misinterpreted.
I could be wrong about you, just as much as you could be wrong about me.
And before that happens, I need to straighten things out.
For our sakes.

Dear Ly,
As much as I like to be considered funny, I don't actually have that great of sense of humour.
I'd find it difficult to separate "jokes and serious stuff".
Looks like for this matter, I couldn't be in between.
Couldn't be in the grey.
More likely, either in black or white.
It's pathetic.
Like love, there's only a thin line between joking and being serious.
And for most cases, I would normally fail to acknowledge.
And for this, I do apologise.
I'll try much better next time.

And what about me taking 'the possibility of us not "seeing" each other as often' so easy?
Well, you must still remember my writing.
My thoughts on friendships and fears?
I said,
"I don't let anything stay where I want it to be when I know I cannot make it that way."
This, my friend, is exactly it.
Would I want you to be there the whole time for me?
Of course!
Could you always deliver?
Perhaps not.
This is just the fact.
And I understand.
I respect your (other) priorities and I take it rather seriously.

So Darling,
Please do not make fun of this (my!) situation, because I am not smart enough to translate it.

I know you didn't meant to be misconstrued.
And I totally agree that PMS has messed up my brain, again
just like it has taken my sense of humour.
I misinterpret and I get easily misunderstood too.
That's not me talking.
That's my feelings.

But now you know me better.
So let's move on.

the confused me
x